Q: Our son is 17 years old and he has a drinking problem; at this point I'd call him a full-blown alcoholic. This situation is tearing our household apart. Help!

Jim: I'm very sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, even in loving families that hold strong values there are no guarantees that alcoholism or some other type of substance abuse won't affect one or more of the children. Our professional staff counselors have several recommendations for cases like this.

First, you've made a good start by asking for help. Ignoring or denying the problem will likely just make things worse.

Second, don't allow yourselves to become burdened by false guilt. Most parents assume extensive self-blame when an addiction surfaces in their home.

Third, don't look for (or expect) quick-fix solutions. True healing can't begin until your son comes to understand the roots of his addiction and his responsibility to change. This is often a long process requiring a great deal of patience and perseverance on your part.

The good news is that you don't have to face this alone -- effective help is available. I strongly recommend that you seek professional counseling as a family. The most successful treatment programs involve a thorough evaluation with therapy in an environment of community and accountability. Our counseling team can provide referrals to helpful programs and qualified therapists in your area; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

If the situation continues to escalate, an extensive intervention may be the most constructive and loving thing you can do. Options might include an inpatient detox treatment center, a youth residential program or other structured therapeutic plan where he has a change of living environment in order to gain new skills and social support. Applying boundaries and "tough love" could be necessary -- including the possibility of turning your teen over to the police if criminal activity is involved. He may have to face the consequences of his behavior before he will be motivated to change.

Q: My boyfriend and I want to get married -- eventually. Friends and co-workers have told us that living together for a few years will help us prepare before making things "official." What's your take on this idea?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: The short version is: bad idea. It seems like many people consider living together to be the new form of engagement. But research conclusively shows that the divorce rates for those who live together before marriage are significantly higher than for those who don't.

The reason cohabitation is a risky venture is because there's no commitment holding the relationship together. Basically, two people are saying to one another, "I'll hang out with you as long as you make me happy." That's obviously a tenuous foundation to build a life on. It puts doubt and mistrust into the very DNA of your relationship from square one. In other words, you're actually sabotaging your marriage before you even walk down the aisle.

I think that fear of commitment is actually why many young adults are choosing to "just live together." Maybe their parents divorced, or they've been swayed by negative messages about marriage in the culture. Whatever the reason, I believe these couples truly want to get married and stay married. But they don't realize that with a little help they can learn how to build a successful relationship.

Consider this: 80% of couples who get quality premarital training stay married. That high percentage of success shows that there is a way for couples to make a lasting commitment to one another. We have tons of resources to help; I'd strongly encourage you to begin the journey by going to FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage/Ready-to-Wed.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'd be interested in hearing your take on managing "little spats" in marriage. Sometimes my wife and I get into minor disagreements that escalate quickly. I think we're both at fault. One of us says something snippy, the other responds a bit angrier and a bit louder, back and forth it goes. Is this normal?

Jim: I think most couples know exactly what this is like. We certainly don't mean to escalate things, but it happens. A few years ago, I interviewed a relationship expert for our radio broadcast, and he called this "climbing the crazy ladder."

Disagreements in marriage (or any relationship) can be like racing up an emotional ladder. Here's the thing about ladders: You can go up fast, but coming down quickly is a lot harder. In other words, once a disagreement has escalated into a heated argument, it's much more difficult to calm things down.

Not to mention that you're usually unstable at the top of a ladder. Issues between a husband and wife just get harder to address when tensions (and vocal tones) rise.

So we need to stay off the crazy ladder -- not just for the sake of our marriages, but also for our children if we have them. There's plenty of research showing that kids suffer lifelong repercussions when they're exposed to chronic, poorly handled conflict.

The best advice is not to go up the crazy ladder in the first place. Learn how to remain calm and discuss your differences rationally. Resolve your problems in a way that strengthens your marriage instead of weakens it. The first step might be the willingness to acknowledge the situation: "Honey, we're climbing the crazy ladder again."

Focus on the Family offers many resources to help -- including a staff of professional counselors. See FocusOnTheFamily.com or call 855-771-HELP (4357) to arrange a free counseling consultation.

Q: My child seems stressed all the time. What can I do to help?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: It's normal for your child to feel a wide range of emotions such as fear, anger and worry. But when these emotions begin to affect your child's behavior and habits, there might be more significant problems.

Stress and anxiety are different but also cousins. In general, anxiety is characterized by persistent worries that don't ever seem to go away. On the other hand, stress is your child's natural and common response to situations they see as threatening or overwhelming.

Consider these three steps to help your stressed child.

Listen and Validate

Make sure to listen to what perceptions are in your child's "thought bubbles" -- thus causing some feelings and emotions. As you listen, most likely their feelings will make sense because emotions simply follow their thoughts. As you listen and understand, validate where they're at in the moment.

Guide

Recognize that you can provide important lessons on how to handle stress in healthy ways. I recommend developing a stress management menu to use when the child is feeling stressed. This menu can include taking a walk, reading, exercising, drawing, etc. Help them learn how to manage stress instead of being overwhelmed by it.

Support

This is where you get to pair your creativity with how your child best receives love and affection. Sometimes physical touch (like a hug) communicates support better than words. Other times, your child might simply need you to listen to them as they share their feelings.

If you think your child needs more help coping with increased or chronic stress, call our counseling line at 855-771-HELP (4357). And to learn more about creating a mentally healthy home for your family, go to FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our daughter -- our only child -- will be graduating from high school this spring and moving to another state to attend college. I'm having a difficult time adjusting to the idea that our influence as parents is almost finished. Is that a normal reaction?

Jim: It's not uncommon for moms and dads to think their parenting responsibilities are over once their kids move out. But that's not necessarily the case. I'm learning myself that the empty-nest years can offer some of our greatest moments of influence as a parent -- if we're ready.

The common scenario is that as teenagers strive for more and more independence, they're less inclined to listen to their parents' instruction. But then they leave home and reality hits. The young man or woman is suddenly confronted with budget constraints, job challenges and relationship pressures -- but no parental safety net. Many young adults (finally) turn back to Mom and Dad for guidance. What that presents for you is an opportunity to share the wisdom your child may have dismissed in high school.

However, there's a catch. Your child's willingness to listen largely depends on your relationship. If you have established a thriving connection, great. But if there are some areas where you realize you can improve, be honest and humble about admitting that to your daughter and work to build a friendship as adults.

In part, that means allowing your daughter to find her way without constantly rushing in to offer your advice before she asks for it. Stay connected, encourage her and let her know you're available. Then be patient -- and wait. She may seek you out in time, and you can experience a whole new level of connection and influence.

Meanwhile, I'd recommend that both you and your daughter check out Focus on the Family's outreach to young adults -- see Boundless.org.

Q: My wife and I have a close-knit circle of friends who we've known for years. However, we're starting to feel that something's missing -- like we've gotten stagnant with our usual connections. Do you have any advice for expanding our horizons and seeking out new friendships?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: You may have heard the old saying that if a man and woman are married long enough, they start to look like one another. I wouldn't necessarily say that's true, but I do think that most of us often look like the other couples we hang out with.

Being friends with people just like you may feel more comfortable, but you're depriving your marriage of a great chance to grow. It's easy to relate to someone in the same stage of life as you, or who has common interests. You can share the highs and lows of parenting, empathize with each other about career challenges, or compare favorite movies, music, and hobbies.

But I'd humbly suggest another perspective. There's tremendous value in spending time with people who are different from you. An older couple can share their years of wisdom with a younger couple and help them gain some long-term stability through the ups and downs of marriage. Younger couples can bring a sense of energy to the friendship, helping the "seasoned veterans" feel younger and more revived in their own relationship. Friendships with folks from different cultural backgrounds can be truly transformational.

You can add a deeper layer of richness to your marriage by seeking connections with other couples who see life from a different angle. Their perspective can challenge you to grow. It just might create the spark you need to strengthen your marriage for years to come -- and hopefully you'll do the same for them.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.