Q: My aging father has always been a proud man. He needs care now, and my wife and I are more than willing to take on that responsibility. But we don't want to crush his spirit. Do you have any advice?
Jim: Researchers say that most older people measure their personal worth by how well they meet three goals: 1) dependability; 2) ability to maintain close family ties; and 3) self-sufficiency. Aging individuals often don't want to reach out for assistance, have hired help in their homes or rely on government programs. They desire to do things independently to keep proving themselves responsible and dependable.
The key to honoring aging loved ones is encouraging them in these areas however possible. Here are some suggestions:
Recognize successes and skills. Honoring your father involves acknowledging him not only for who he is, but also for his abilities, talents and past achievements.
Reminisce. Help your aging loved one capture his personal history and pass it along to children and grandchildren. Preserve his memories and current interactions with family through video, photos and written accounts.
Reinvent memories. Celebrate everything! Affirmations of love and life remind elderly people how much they are appreciated.
Remember old friends -- and make new ones. Friendships keep people engaged while helping to process loss and combat feeling of worthlessness or depression. Do everything you can to facilitate your dad's access to friends by phone, email, "snail" mail and regular visits.
Renew energy with regular exercise. Walking, swimming and other light exercise improves circulation and keeps endorphins -- the "feel-good hormones" -- flowing through the blood system.
Seek opportunities for senior volunteers. Many nonprofit organizations don't just provide a place for seniors to volunteer -- they actively need volunteer assistance to carry out their mission.
Encourage latent talents. If possible, nudge your father toward developing hobbies like painting, writing, drawing, woodworking or even computers. Probe his interests until you see his eyes light up -- then find ways to equip and help him pursue those ideas.
Q: I'm a single mother with four children. My kids need a dad and I'd love to have a husband again. I think I'm ready to start dating -- but I'm terrified that another marriage will crash like my last one. Help!
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I feel for you, and I've heard these same thoughts from many single moms. Finding the right husband and a good father for your kids could mean a whole new future for all of you. But the wrong person could make the challenges you're facing even worse.
With that in mind, I'd suggest moving forward very carefully. Dating when you have children can be complicated. Marriage is meant to be a lifelong commitment, so it's never something to rush into. Let relationships develop naturally. Ask your friends and family to watch closely and help you recognize potential character flaws about the men you date that you might not otherwise see.
Also, the setting matters. At the risk of sounding patronizing, you're more likely to meet a suitable person at church rather than in a bar.
Finally, remember that it's very tough for children when a parent cycles through one relationship after another. So, if you choose to date, be careful to protect your children's hearts. If possible, get to know the man well before introducing the kids. If you do get married someday, he will be committing not only to you but also to your children. It's worth the investment of going slow to find someone who will treat them -- and you -- with the love and respect you all deserve.
We have plenty of resources for single parents, and for relationships in general, at FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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