Q: My parents are clearly partial to my daughter -- their first grandchild -- over her little brother. He obviously notices but doesn't say much. How do we address it when Grandma and Grandpa play favorites?

Jim: I'd suggest that your first priority is to affirm your son (the youngest child). Reassure him that you've seen the signs of favoritism, as well, and that it's not a reflection of his worth or identity. Avoid blaming the grandparents, but let your son know you're working on it.

Hopefully you can address this issue through a good-natured, non-defensive discussion with your parents. Start by emphasizing how much you appreciate their interest and involvement in your kids' lives. Highlight positive contributions they've made to the children's upbringing. Once you've set the right tone, explain your concerns. Communicate that while you're certain they've always acted from the best of intentions, some of their actions and words have been hurtful to your younger child. Ask them to help you find a way to counteract this (hopefully) unintended effect.

If they deny the charge of favoritism, just thank them for listening and let the matter drop. It's possible that after some sober reflection they'll see the sense of your words and quietly make the necessary changes.

However, if they react in anger there may be deeper boundary issues below the surface. If so, you may want to invite them to discuss the problem with you in the presence of an objective third party -- a good friend, a disinterested relative, a pastor or even a qualified family therapist.

Finally, in extreme cases where grandparents refuse to cooperate, it may be necessary to limit the amount of time they spend with your children -- at least until they begin to take some positive steps in the right direction.

If you'd like to discuss this situation with our counselors, call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I spend time with my kids, go to all their activities and make sure they're taken care of. I'm trying to be a good dad, but my wife says I'm not very loving in how I talk to them. How much do my words really affect my kids?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Words can encourage or tear down, connect or divide. Think about the words you commonly use -- are they life-giving, or critical and damaging?

Ask yourself the following questions when considering how your words impact your children:

-- Are they true? You need discernment to determine the truths your child needs to hear. For instance, it may be accurate to tell a child they aren't good at a particular thing -- but what's your purpose in saying that? Also, be sure to follow up with something they do well to convey life-giving confidence. And if your child has heard destructive lies about their identity and value, bolster a proper perspective by communicating the truth about who they are.

-- Are they encouraging? Sometimes children just need to hear that things are going to be all right. They also need you to talk about good qualities they know or suspect they have -- or maybe didn't know they had.

-- Are they loving? You don't want to look back with regret someday, wishing you had said "I love you" more.

-- Are they helpful? Words of redirection and correction can teach important concepts about life, relationships, responsibility, work and finances.

Here are some great words that can build life in your child by modeling respect and love:

-- Thank you.

-- I love you.

-- That was brave/kind/responsible.

-- You are capable/trustworthy/smart/a leader.

-- I missed you.

-- That's probably not a good idea, a better choice would be...

-- I enjoy spending time with you.

-- I'm sorry.

For more practical tips and resources, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/Parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: We're struggling with our teen son's use of marijuana. We have confronted him, but he just counters that cannabis is now socially acceptable and being legalized across the country. He has refused to stop and we're not sure how to respond.

Jim: Admittedly, your son is correct in some respects. The social stigma against marijuana is diminishing rapidly and many states have legalized it for even non-medicinal purposes (although in most cases the minimum age limit is 21).

However, legalities aside, the fact remains that cannabis is a mind-altering and addictive drug. Your son needs to understand that his physical and mental health are being compromised. If you have noticed recent changes in his personality, you can strengthen your case by describing these behavioral shifts in specific terms. You can also direct him to the Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA.gov), where he can see images of "the brain on pot" and access facts about the effects of marijuana on the central nervous system.

Once you've covered the science, don't hesitate to draw a line in the sand. The permissive attitudes of society have nothing to do with the standards governing your home. If you've decided you don't want weed in the house, as long as he's living with you, it has to go. Set firm and consistent boundaries and enforce them by imposing swift and powerful consequences -- for example, the loss of phone or driving privileges.

If he refuses to cooperate, I strongly suggest that you seek professional help -- together as a family. The most successful treatment programs take a family systems approach that involves intensive evaluation and a series of counseling sessions offered in an environment of community and accountability. Our staff counselors will be happy to help you get started; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My boyfriend and I both come from broken homes. We want to make sure we don't end up divorced like our parents, so we're planning on living together before marriage to test our compatibility. Is that a good approach?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I hear this question a lot. More and more, it seems, many well-intended couples believe that living together before marrying is a good way to find out if they have what it takes to build a strong relationship. If anything, cohabitating is almost becoming a societally acceptable norm. And on the surface, it might seem to make sense that a "test drive" should provide the information needed to predict marital success or failure.

Unfortunately, however, the facts show that the exact opposite is true. The best research indicates that couples who live together before marriage have a 50 percent higher divorce rate than those who don't. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence; they're more likely to become involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, studies show a very high probability that the man will abandon the relationship within two years -- leaving a single mom to raise a fatherless child. Cohabitation lacks a key element of what makes a successful marriage: formally expressed commitment.

So, I strongly recommend the alternative of strategic, intentional premarital counseling. The very best way to test your compatibility for marriage is to date for at least one year before engagement -- while participating in a structured counseling program that includes psychological testing. For referrals, call the number listed above.

Meanwhile, Focus on the Family offers a wealth of marriage and pre-marriage resources -- including assessment tools to identify the areas where you shine as a couple, as well as help you target spots that could use a little improvement. See FocusOnTheFamily.com/marriage/ready-to-wed.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: My husband recently left me and moved in with another woman. My children are confused because their dad has been lying to them about where he's living and the reasons for our separation. What should I tell them?

Jim: I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Even though I can understand your desire to protect your kids' innocence, it's important to be honest with them about what's going on. Be as forthright as you can be while taking their age and maturity into account.

I suggest you sit down with your kids and, using age-appropriate language, explain that Mom and Dad haven't been getting along and that Dad has made some bad choices that are hurting the family. Definitely resist the temptation to bad-mouth your spouse, because you don't want to alienate him even further from the kids. If they ask about the other woman, give them a straightforward answer and explain that it makes you very sad that their father has moved in with her.

Most importantly, reassure your children of your love. Emphasize that you understand how painful this situation is for them. Encourage them to be open about their sadness and anger, but don't allow them to engage in aggressive or destructive behavior. Writing and journaling are good emotional outlets for older kids. Younger children sometimes find it helpful to express their feelings by drawing pictures.

Focus on the Family exists to help people in your situation, so I invite you to contact our counselors for more specific insights. They'll provide a free consultation and can also refer you to a qualified professional in your area who can help you and your kids navigate this difficult time. The number to call is 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: One of my parenting struggles is that I tend to let misbehavior and disobedience go unchallenged. I know this doesn't help my kids in the long run; how can I change?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: There are four basic parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. Studies consistently show that authoritative parenting is the most effective and beneficial style for kids. Researchers have discovered that authoritative parenting can lead to fewer behavioral, mental, social and emotional issues in children. It can also yield academic and relational benefits.

Authoritative parenting involves high levels of warmth, responsiveness and sensitivity accompanied by limits and expectations. A practical starting point and template can be found in the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting: adaptability, respect, intentionality, steadfast love, boundaries, forgiveness and gratitude.

To become a more authoritative parent, consider focusing on these three areas:

1. Yourself. Do you need to create more boundaries for yourself (and your kids)? Take inventory of what you're doing well and where you might need improvement. Give your list to someone you trust who can weigh in with their own observations while encouraging you as you try to make improvements.

2. Your child(ren). What do your children need to learn emotionally, mentally, socially? Get involved in what interests them. Your children want a relationship with you and need your wise, intentional direction. Work on modeling wisdom and true humility, along with respect, love and gratitude.

3. Your family. Ultimately, we all carve out time for the things that are most important to us -- so make your family a priority. Take time to connect and develop the kind of memories you want for your family. Strengthen relationships through grace and forgiveness.

To read more about the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting and how they can help transform the way you raise your kids, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/7traits.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.