Q: My husband recently left me and moved in with another woman. My children are confused because their dad has been lying to them about where he's living and the reasons for our separation. What should I tell them?

Jim: I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Even though I can understand your desire to protect your kids' innocence, it's important to be honest with them about what's going on. Be as forthright as you can be while taking their age and maturity into account.

I suggest you sit down with your kids and, using age-appropriate language, explain that Mom and Dad haven't been getting along and that Dad has made some bad choices that are hurting the family. Definitely resist the temptation to bad-mouth your spouse, because you don't want to alienate him even further from the kids. If they ask about the other woman, give them a straightforward answer and explain that it makes you very sad that their father has moved in with her.

Most importantly, reassure your children of your love. Emphasize that you understand how painful this situation is for them. Encourage them to be open about their sadness and anger, but don't allow them to engage in aggressive or destructive behavior. Writing and journaling are good emotional outlets for older kids. Younger children sometimes find it helpful to express their feelings by drawing pictures.

Focus on the Family exists to help people in your situation, so I invite you to contact our counselors for more specific insights. They'll provide a free consultation and can also refer you to a qualified professional in your area who can help you and your kids navigate this difficult time. The number to call is 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: One of my parenting struggles is that I tend to let misbehavior and disobedience go unchallenged. I know this doesn't help my kids in the long run; how can I change?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: There are four basic parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. Studies consistently show that authoritative parenting is the most effective and beneficial style for kids. Researchers have discovered that authoritative parenting can lead to fewer behavioral, mental, social and emotional issues in children. It can also yield academic and relational benefits.

Authoritative parenting involves high levels of warmth, responsiveness and sensitivity accompanied by limits and expectations. A practical starting point and template can be found in the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting: adaptability, respect, intentionality, steadfast love, boundaries, forgiveness and gratitude.

To become a more authoritative parent, consider focusing on these three areas:

1. Yourself. Do you need to create more boundaries for yourself (and your kids)? Take inventory of what you're doing well and where you might need improvement. Give your list to someone you trust who can weigh in with their own observations while encouraging you as you try to make improvements.

2. Your child(ren). What do your children need to learn emotionally, mentally, socially? Get involved in what interests them. Your children want a relationship with you and need your wise, intentional direction. Work on modeling wisdom and true humility, along with respect, love and gratitude.

3. Your family. Ultimately, we all carve out time for the things that are most important to us -- so make your family a priority. Take time to connect and develop the kind of memories you want for your family. Strengthen relationships through grace and forgiveness.

To read more about the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting and how they can help transform the way you raise your kids, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/7traits.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our 23-year-old son is living with us again. We also have young teens in the house. We know we should treat our adult son differently in terms of rules and expectations, but we're concerned about how this might affect the younger kids. Help!

Jim: Many families are facing similar situations these days. Even though you're still his parents, your son is an adult and needs to be respected and treated as one.

Of course, this doesn't mean he's exempt from rules of any kind while in your home. Going forward, you should expect the same from him that you would from any other adult boarder renting a room in your house. Rules are essential wherever people share living space. However, they shouldn't exist to control your son's attitudes, actions or behavior. Instead, the rules you implement should be for the purpose of preserving order and safeguarding the best interests of the entire household.

With this in mind, it's reasonable to insist that everyone pick up after themselves and keep shared spaces clear of personal clutter. All should agree to uphold family standards of decency and propriety -- including maintaining respect for other people's privacy and property. If you feel it's appropriate that the older son should contribute to the financial burden of running the household, don't be afraid to hold him to that.

This arrangement shouldn't have a negative impact on your two teenagers. The key is to clarify the distinction between minors and adults. Part of that process is explaining the reasons for the different sets of rules that will apply while their older brother is living at home. Meanwhile, assure them that the time is rapidly approaching when they'll also have to carry the entire burden of responsibility for their behavior. As teens, they should already be moving in that direction.

Q: Sometimes I get frustrated and upset with my husband, and I feel like I need to express my feelings to someone who cares and understands. A lot of my communication with my best female friends is through social media. Is it healthy to use those channels to seek support?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: In most relationships there's a place for venting. But that place is definitely NOT any form of social media. We all know that even "private" social media conversations often don't remain private. If you air your dirty laundry in the open, you'll only hurt your marriage and destroy any sense of trust between you and your spouse.

Venting should only be done in a private setting. The purpose is to set your feelings out for assessment so that you can view them more impersonally and evaluate them. This is an important part of the process of communicating with loved ones, setting and readjusting goals, and making necessary changes.

On the other hand, interactions via social media are either public to start with or can easily become so. Any sort of social media post has the potential to reach a much wider audience than you may have intended in a very short time. Once you've put something out there, you have no way of controlling where it might be sent by even well-meaning friends. A good rule of thumb is, "Don't post anything on social media that you wouldn't want to see published."

So, if you need to vent, I strongly recommend that you take it offline. Marital frustrations are something you should discuss first and foremost with your spouse, not a circle of friends and acquaintances. And if you need more help dealing with your marital problems, don't hesitate to contact our counseling department at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My father hurt me deeply when I was a child. Friends tell me I need to forgive him in my heart, but I'm finding that very difficult to do. What would you say?

Jim: My heart goes out to you, and I understand how you feel. I struggled for years trying to forgive my alcoholic father who abandoned me when I was five, and also the stepdad who left my four siblings and me to fend for ourselves when my mom died four years later. For a long time, I thought: Why should I?

But eventually, I had to come to grips with the fact that I could either forgive or slowly poison my own mind and heart. Holding on to unresolved bitterness will destroy you. You can't control your father's actions and attitudes. But by God's grace -- and with His help -- you must learn to control your own. If you choose not to forgive, you'll only hurt yourself.

Of course, a very important piece of the puzzle is how your father hurt you. If there was sexual or physical abuse involved, it's critical that you work through that hurt and betrayal with people you can trust; in fact, I'd strongly recommend working with a qualified counselor. Or perhaps you've "only" been scarred by years of rejection or emotional neglect. These are still serious and painful wounds that won't heal until you're able to forgive your father from the heart.

To be honest, this won't happen without divine grace, and possibly the guidance of a professional therapist who can help you sort all this out in a healthy, non-threatening way. Focus on the Family's counselors would be pleased to discuss your concerns with you over the phone. I invite you to contact them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: How can we help our kids become less selfish? They are very eager to take but seldom seem willing to give.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: In a world of consumers, or takers, few people are enthusiastic about being a contributor. Fortunately, you can lead your kids in that direction.

We all tend to be consumers by nature. In relationships our attitude is often "I'll love you if you love me back." But real love contributes to other people's lives.

Consumer kids can be friendly, nice and respectful. But these children often do things for someone just to get something in return, are less empathetic, see others as either "useful" or "useless" and seek ways to use people's emotions and thoughts for their own benefit.

On the other hand, children who are contributors often do things for someone without expecting something in return, are genuinely empathetic toward others, see people as valuable, seek out needs and offer help.

Help your children do these six things to become contributors:

1. Be humble. Humility is a foundational character trait for all relationships.

2. Develop empathy. Learning empathy early leads to connectedness later in life.

3. Be a noticer and encourager. Teach your kids to notice their own motives. Help them see the value and worth of other people.

4. See work as a way to love others. At its best, work is love in action. Use it as an opportunity to teach kids about responsibility, service and perseverance.

5. Be patient. Patience will yield benefits in all areas of your child's life, including finances, sexuality and relationships.

6. Be courageous. Courage helps build self-confidence and the ability to stand alone when necessary. Courageous contributors can do what is loving and right without the approval and affirmation of others.

For a parenting "win," aim to raise genuine contributors rather than well-behaved consumers. Find more tips at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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