Q: Our 23-year-old son is living with us again. We also have young teens in the house. We know we should treat our adult son differently in terms of rules and expectations, but we're concerned about how this might affect the younger kids. Help!

Jim: Many families are facing similar situations these days. Even though you're still his parents, your son is an adult and needs to be respected and treated as one.

Of course, this doesn't mean he's exempt from rules of any kind while in your home. Going forward, you should expect the same from him that you would from any other adult boarder renting a room in your house. Rules are essential wherever people share living space. However, they shouldn't exist to control your son's attitudes, actions or behavior. Instead, the rules you implement should be for the purpose of preserving order and safeguarding the best interests of the entire household.

With this in mind, it's reasonable to insist that everyone pick up after themselves and keep shared spaces clear of personal clutter. All should agree to uphold family standards of decency and propriety -- including maintaining respect for other people's privacy and property. If you feel it's appropriate that the older son should contribute to the financial burden of running the household, don't be afraid to hold him to that.

This arrangement shouldn't have a negative impact on your two teenagers. The key is to clarify the distinction between minors and adults. Part of that process is explaining the reasons for the different sets of rules that will apply while their older brother is living at home. Meanwhile, assure them that the time is rapidly approaching when they'll also have to carry the entire burden of responsibility for their behavior. As teens, they should already be moving in that direction.

Q: Sometimes I get frustrated and upset with my husband, and I feel like I need to express my feelings to someone who cares and understands. A lot of my communication with my best female friends is through social media. Is it healthy to use those channels to seek support?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: In most relationships there's a place for venting. But that place is definitely NOT any form of social media. We all know that even "private" social media conversations often don't remain private. If you air your dirty laundry in the open, you'll only hurt your marriage and destroy any sense of trust between you and your spouse.

Venting should only be done in a private setting. The purpose is to set your feelings out for assessment so that you can view them more impersonally and evaluate them. This is an important part of the process of communicating with loved ones, setting and readjusting goals, and making necessary changes.

On the other hand, interactions via social media are either public to start with or can easily become so. Any sort of social media post has the potential to reach a much wider audience than you may have intended in a very short time. Once you've put something out there, you have no way of controlling where it might be sent by even well-meaning friends. A good rule of thumb is, "Don't post anything on social media that you wouldn't want to see published."

So, if you need to vent, I strongly recommend that you take it offline. Marital frustrations are something you should discuss first and foremost with your spouse, not a circle of friends and acquaintances. And if you need more help dealing with your marital problems, don't hesitate to contact our counseling department at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My father hurt me deeply when I was a child. Friends tell me I need to forgive him in my heart, but I'm finding that very difficult to do. What would you say?

Jim: My heart goes out to you, and I understand how you feel. I struggled for years trying to forgive my alcoholic father who abandoned me when I was five, and also the stepdad who left my four siblings and me to fend for ourselves when my mom died four years later. For a long time, I thought: Why should I?

But eventually, I had to come to grips with the fact that I could either forgive or slowly poison my own mind and heart. Holding on to unresolved bitterness will destroy you. You can't control your father's actions and attitudes. But by God's grace -- and with His help -- you must learn to control your own. If you choose not to forgive, you'll only hurt yourself.

Of course, a very important piece of the puzzle is how your father hurt you. If there was sexual or physical abuse involved, it's critical that you work through that hurt and betrayal with people you can trust; in fact, I'd strongly recommend working with a qualified counselor. Or perhaps you've "only" been scarred by years of rejection or emotional neglect. These are still serious and painful wounds that won't heal until you're able to forgive your father from the heart.

To be honest, this won't happen without divine grace, and possibly the guidance of a professional therapist who can help you sort all this out in a healthy, non-threatening way. Focus on the Family's counselors would be pleased to discuss your concerns with you over the phone. I invite you to contact them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: How can we help our kids become less selfish? They are very eager to take but seldom seem willing to give.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: In a world of consumers, or takers, few people are enthusiastic about being a contributor. Fortunately, you can lead your kids in that direction.

We all tend to be consumers by nature. In relationships our attitude is often "I'll love you if you love me back." But real love contributes to other people's lives.

Consumer kids can be friendly, nice and respectful. But these children often do things for someone just to get something in return, are less empathetic, see others as either "useful" or "useless" and seek ways to use people's emotions and thoughts for their own benefit.

On the other hand, children who are contributors often do things for someone without expecting something in return, are genuinely empathetic toward others, see people as valuable, seek out needs and offer help.

Help your children do these six things to become contributors:

1. Be humble. Humility is a foundational character trait for all relationships.

2. Develop empathy. Learning empathy early leads to connectedness later in life.

3. Be a noticer and encourager. Teach your kids to notice their own motives. Help them see the value and worth of other people.

4. See work as a way to love others. At its best, work is love in action. Use it as an opportunity to teach kids about responsibility, service and perseverance.

5. Be patient. Patience will yield benefits in all areas of your child's life, including finances, sexuality and relationships.

6. Be courageous. Courage helps build self-confidence and the ability to stand alone when necessary. Courageous contributors can do what is loving and right without the approval and affirmation of others.

For a parenting "win," aim to raise genuine contributors rather than well-behaved consumers. Find more tips at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My father was a no-nonsense man who didn't share his feelings. He taught me to be tough, work hard and make my own way in life. My wife gets upset because I'm the same way with our son. What do you think -- should men express affection to their sons?

Jim: In some ways I understand; my own upbringing was pretty rough with no fatherly connection, and that definitely shaped me. Maybe it made me tougher, but it also left a void.

I think you should take another look not only at your relationship with your son, but at your own deepest feelings and needs. Are you absolutely certain that, deep inside, you aren't hurting -- resenting your dad for his lack of tenderness and empathy? Could you be taking out your resentment on your son by treating him the same? It's a possibility worth considering.

Meanwhile, remember that life itself will give your son plenty of adversity. Your role is to get on his team and help him face the opposition with confidence. Instead of adding to the pressure, stand beside him as an encourager, comforter, cheerleader and friend.

Love and compassion are absolutely critical to effective fathering. Many men don't seem to understand how desperately their sons need their affection, approval and verbal affirmation. In raising two sons of my own, I've learned that boys even need a certain amount of appropriate physical touch from their dads.

Also, many guys make the mistake of trying to live vicariously through their sons -- to require that a boy share all of his father's interests and grow up to be "just like Dad." Resist that temptation with every ounce of determination you've got. Help your son become who he is uniquely wired and gifted to be, and you'll both be winners.

Q: My relationship with my girlfriend has been one of convenience; neither of us considered it permanent. But now she's pregnant. She intends to raise the baby, and I want to do my part. But we'd face huge obstacles if we married. What's your advice?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Let me begin by commending you for accepting responsibility for the choices you've made -- including life for your baby. That said, marriage shouldn't be seen as a "quick fix." There are a number of things that need to occur and questions that need to be answered.

First, you need to sit down together and work though the practical implications of the pregnancy. At that point it might be appropriate to broach the subject of marriage. You should consider factors like emotional maturity and stability, shared values and spiritual commitment, the support of your families and adequate financial resources.

If these considerations would significantly hinder either of you committing to a lifelong relationship, I'd suggest you set aside thoughts of marriage for now and prioritize how you can financially support your child and stay engaged as a dad. But if the foundation for a strong marriage looks to be in place, I'd encourage you to consider premarital counseling with a qualified marriage counselor.

Meanwhile, keep in mind that marriage isn't the only way to provide for your child's future. A plan for adoption may be in everyone's best interest, so you and your girlfriend might want to talk to a local Pregnancy Resource Center about this option.

No matter what path you both believe to be wisest going forward, responsibility doesn't come without sacrifice. But it's important that you consider how your decisions will affect the baby's life. If Focus on the Family can help you through the process, please call us at 800-A-FAMILY.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.