Q: My father hurt me deeply when I was a child. Friends tell me I need to forgive him in my heart, but I'm finding that very difficult to do. What would you say?

Jim: My heart goes out to you, and I understand how you feel. I struggled for years trying to forgive my alcoholic father who abandoned me when I was five, and also the stepdad who left my four siblings and me to fend for ourselves when my mom died four years later. For a long time, I thought: Why should I?

But eventually, I had to come to grips with the fact that I could either forgive or slowly poison my own mind and heart. Holding on to unresolved bitterness will destroy you. You can't control your father's actions and attitudes. But by God's grace -- and with His help -- you must learn to control your own. If you choose not to forgive, you'll only hurt yourself.

Of course, a very important piece of the puzzle is how your father hurt you. If there was sexual or physical abuse involved, it's critical that you work through that hurt and betrayal with people you can trust; in fact, I'd strongly recommend working with a qualified counselor. Or perhaps you've "only" been scarred by years of rejection or emotional neglect. These are still serious and painful wounds that won't heal until you're able to forgive your father from the heart.

To be honest, this won't happen without divine grace, and possibly the guidance of a professional therapist who can help you sort all this out in a healthy, non-threatening way. Focus on the Family's counselors would be pleased to discuss your concerns with you over the phone. I invite you to contact them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: How can we help our kids become less selfish? They are very eager to take but seldom seem willing to give.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: In a world of consumers, or takers, few people are enthusiastic about being a contributor. Fortunately, you can lead your kids in that direction.

We all tend to be consumers by nature. In relationships our attitude is often "I'll love you if you love me back." But real love contributes to other people's lives.

Consumer kids can be friendly, nice and respectful. But these children often do things for someone just to get something in return, are less empathetic, see others as either "useful" or "useless" and seek ways to use people's emotions and thoughts for their own benefit.

On the other hand, children who are contributors often do things for someone without expecting something in return, are genuinely empathetic toward others, see people as valuable, seek out needs and offer help.

Help your children do these six things to become contributors:

1. Be humble. Humility is a foundational character trait for all relationships.

2. Develop empathy. Learning empathy early leads to connectedness later in life.

3. Be a noticer and encourager. Teach your kids to notice their own motives. Help them see the value and worth of other people.

4. See work as a way to love others. At its best, work is love in action. Use it as an opportunity to teach kids about responsibility, service and perseverance.

5. Be patient. Patience will yield benefits in all areas of your child's life, including finances, sexuality and relationships.

6. Be courageous. Courage helps build self-confidence and the ability to stand alone when necessary. Courageous contributors can do what is loving and right without the approval and affirmation of others.

For a parenting "win," aim to raise genuine contributors rather than well-behaved consumers. Find more tips at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My father was a no-nonsense man who didn't share his feelings. He taught me to be tough, work hard and make my own way in life. My wife gets upset because I'm the same way with our son. What do you think -- should men express affection to their sons?

Jim: In some ways I understand; my own upbringing was pretty rough with no fatherly connection, and that definitely shaped me. Maybe it made me tougher, but it also left a void.

I think you should take another look not only at your relationship with your son, but at your own deepest feelings and needs. Are you absolutely certain that, deep inside, you aren't hurting -- resenting your dad for his lack of tenderness and empathy? Could you be taking out your resentment on your son by treating him the same? It's a possibility worth considering.

Meanwhile, remember that life itself will give your son plenty of adversity. Your role is to get on his team and help him face the opposition with confidence. Instead of adding to the pressure, stand beside him as an encourager, comforter, cheerleader and friend.

Love and compassion are absolutely critical to effective fathering. Many men don't seem to understand how desperately their sons need their affection, approval and verbal affirmation. In raising two sons of my own, I've learned that boys even need a certain amount of appropriate physical touch from their dads.

Also, many guys make the mistake of trying to live vicariously through their sons -- to require that a boy share all of his father's interests and grow up to be "just like Dad." Resist that temptation with every ounce of determination you've got. Help your son become who he is uniquely wired and gifted to be, and you'll both be winners.

Q: My relationship with my girlfriend has been one of convenience; neither of us considered it permanent. But now she's pregnant. She intends to raise the baby, and I want to do my part. But we'd face huge obstacles if we married. What's your advice?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Let me begin by commending you for accepting responsibility for the choices you've made -- including life for your baby. That said, marriage shouldn't be seen as a "quick fix." There are a number of things that need to occur and questions that need to be answered.

First, you need to sit down together and work though the practical implications of the pregnancy. At that point it might be appropriate to broach the subject of marriage. You should consider factors like emotional maturity and stability, shared values and spiritual commitment, the support of your families and adequate financial resources.

If these considerations would significantly hinder either of you committing to a lifelong relationship, I'd suggest you set aside thoughts of marriage for now and prioritize how you can financially support your child and stay engaged as a dad. But if the foundation for a strong marriage looks to be in place, I'd encourage you to consider premarital counseling with a qualified marriage counselor.

Meanwhile, keep in mind that marriage isn't the only way to provide for your child's future. A plan for adoption may be in everyone's best interest, so you and your girlfriend might want to talk to a local Pregnancy Resource Center about this option.

No matter what path you both believe to be wisest going forward, responsibility doesn't come without sacrifice. But it's important that you consider how your decisions will affect the baby's life. If Focus on the Family can help you through the process, please call us at 800-A-FAMILY.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm married for the second time, with a total of four children -- two from my first marriage and two from this one. Unfortunately, my wife clearly favors her own kids over my two older ones, and she's become unfairly critical and overbearing. Is this unusual in blended families? What can I do about it?

Jim: Many stepfamilies deal with divided loyalties and conflicts. In some ways it's only natural for a biological parent to feel protective of his or her offspring. But while the problem is common, it's not necessarily easy to resolve. It requires cooperation and deliberate hard work on the part of everyone concerned.

In view of the circumstances, I strongly recommend that you and your wife seek professional help ASAP from a trained therapist who is skilled in working with stepfamilies. Your older children have already been impacted by the breakup of your first marriage. The last thing they need is additional stress and pressure on the home front.

Perhaps the most important goal to set for therapy will be that of strengthening your marriage. In any family, whether intact or blended, the marital relationship needs to take priority. It's fairly apparent that you and your wife aren't on the same page -- at least where the kids are concerned -- and if you can't find a way to heal this rift, your children are ultimately going to suffer. You need to invest time and energy into getting your "couple" relationship back on track, while clarifying the complex roles and expectations within your blended family.

Start by calling our counseling department for a free consultation; the number is 855-771-HELP (4357). Our counselor will be able to give you some initial feedback and then provide you with a list of licensed marriage and family specialists in your local area for long-term assistance.

Q: I have a fairly sarcastic sense of humor -- it's what I grew up with and how I express myself. It's all a joke and I don't mean any harm by it. But my wife says this is going to be damaging to our kids, especially as they move into the teen years. What do you think?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: I'd tend to agree with your wife and say, "Be careful." By definition, sarcasm can be funny but also caustic -- i.e., burning and corrosive. As with any caustic substance, it must be used sparingly and judiciously to avoid destructive results.

The risk is especially high when you're dealing with teenagers. Sarcasm can lead to hurt feelings (especially if your child has a sensitive personality), and a teen's world is already filled with sources of potential wounds at school, on the playing field and especially through social media. Home should be a refuge from that kind of treatment -- a safe haven from hurt and a place to be encouraged and built up.

Occasional playful sarcasm is OK if you maintain boundaries. Give your children the right to tell you when it bothers them. If they ask you to stop, respect their wishes. And don't be too proud to apologize, even if it seems like no big deal to you. Parenting is just as much about your own growth as it is about your children's.

Finally, remember that you reap what you sow. You may call your "style" sarcastic, but when the tables are turned and it comes back at you from your teen, you'll probably call it "disrespectful" behavior. Mutual respect is critical in any relationship, and especially between parents and kids. It goes both ways, but modeling that respect starts with you. And if it's time for self-assessment and change -- your whole family will benefit.

For more helpful tips, see FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.