Q: I recently became engaged. My fiancé is a fantastic person, but he has admitted that he has an addiction to pornography. I'm wondering whether this is a red flag -- and if so, how big. Do you think we should move forward in our relationship?

Jim: I'd strongly suggest you hit the brakes until your fiancé is ready to get serious about dealing with his problem. You both must understand that pornography is as physically addictive as any drug. The addiction is based on neurochemical changes that occur in the brain as a result of prolonged exposure to stimulating sexual imagery. Because of its neuron-chemical basis, it's tenacious, progressive and destructive in nature.

If you decide to marry this man, don't expect his addiction to go away on its own once you've said your wedding vows. In other words, don't assume that normal marital sexual relations will take the place of porn in his life. No living, breathing thinking woman can possibly fill that role without doing untold damage to herself as a person. That's because pornography addiction is not about sex. It's a symptom of an intimacy disorder -- a comprehensive psychological illness that compels an individual to avoid deep, meaningful interaction with a real human being and to replace it with impersonal sensual imagery. Marriage won't fix the problem; it will only complicate matters and increase your pain.

I can't emphasize enough that you both need to get professional counseling, and I urge you to do it together. The porn problem must be addressed before any further talk of marriage. If your fiancé sincerely wants to spend his life with you, he has a powerful motivation to make the necessary changes now. Once you've tied the knot, that motivation no longer exists in quite the same way. Our counselors are well-equipped to assist you both on the path to healing; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: How can I get my kids to be grateful? It seems like they have no idea how much they have to be thankful for.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This can be difficult given the natural consumer mindset we all possess. But it's an important matter, as research has consistently shown that genuine, ongoing gratitude helps improve emotional, relational, mental and physical health while developing key social behaviors in children.

Sure, it takes work and attention -- but a few tweaks to our habits and attitudes can help our children cultivate thankfulness.

-- Model gratitude. Your children mirror what you do. Do you speak and act from a grateful mindset? Look at your circumstances through a "gratitude lens." When you do, simple things like household chores become opportunities to serve rather than inconveniences. Difficulties can become opportunities for growth.

-- Create a gratitude photo album. Take pictures of things you are grateful for throughout the year and put together a gratitude album. Have each family member share through photos the things he is (or can be) grateful for.

-- Make a gratitude poster board. For an entire year, challenge your family to think of one new thing each day that they are thankful for. Write it on a poster board in different colors. Family members can take turns contributing that day's focus of gratitude, with a different member of the family writing it down. Encourage them to be creative.

-- Go for a gratitude walk. Take time to walk and let your mind settle on things you're thankful for. Look around and simply appreciate what you see, experience or remember.

-- Gratefully acknowledge those who have influenced you. Who has taken time to invest in you? Who has encouraged you with words or actions? Take a moment to thank them with a note, text or phone call.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our 4-year-old daughter has a sweet personality and the whole extended family has been doting on her since she was born. She loves being the center of attention and "performs" on cue if given the opportunity. But now I'm wondering -- how can we make sure to not overindulge our cute little girl?

Jim: It's no wonder your daughter will "perform on cue." She's been receiving positive reinforcement for that behavior for as long as she can remember. So far, it's all fun for everyone. But the danger is that she'll grow up believing that her value as a person is based on her cuteness and her performance, not on her character.

You need to start helping her develop solid character traits while she's still small, impressionable and teachable. Our culture says that "cuteness," physical attractiveness, popularity, power and success are the important things in life. But we intuitively know better. The things that truly make a person of character are what the Bible calls the "Fruit of the Spirit" -- qualities such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I suggest you make a conscious effort to praise your daughter whenever she displays these positive traits. You should also try to model these kinds of qualities for her and look for "teachable moments" to talk about the things that truly matter. It would also be a good idea to teach her how to serve others, whether that means caring for a neighbor's pet when they're on vacation or donating some of her toys to a local homeless shelter.

If you'd like to discuss these thoughts at greater length, I invite you to call our counselors at 855-771-HELP (4357). They'd be pleased to assist you in any way they can.

Q: Adam, I'm interested in your perspective about how COVID-19 has influenced the entertainment world, in both good ways and bad, and how that might impact parenting.

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: The coronavirus has scrambled everything about "normal" life. The entertainment industry is no exception. Many theaters never reopened at all after COVID-19 hit in March 2020. And that, combined with many more hours at home, has multiple implications for families' entertainment choices.

First, we're engaging with screens more than ever -- with screen use up as much as 50 percent since the coronavirus hit, according to some research. We're also watching newer streaming services, such as Disney+ and Apple TV+, which have joined the ranks of online content outlets such as Netflix, Amazon and Hulu. Other premium services such as HBO Max, CBS All Access and Peacock have leaped into the fray as well.

The overall result is a mixed bag for families. On the negative side, many of today's most popular streaming shows include graphic and explicit content. That makes understanding parental controls for these services more important than ever. On the flip side, many of these streaming services provide a whole host of family-friendly possibilities.

But there's the catch: Really knowing what's out there requires more intentionality and engagement on behalf of parents. Movie and TV show titles may be unfamiliar because the entertainment landscape is more fragmented than ever. And quite a few new movies streaming on these outlets aren't even rated.

So for families, the upside here is there are more positive viewing options, while the downside is more potential problems and unknowns to navigate as well. As always, Plugged In's reviews of movies and TV strive to give you everything you need to know about what's hot today in the world of entertainment (see www.PluggedIn.com). But nothing can replace a loving parent's thoughtful, discerning engagement when it comes to the things your tweens and teens are watching on their screens.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My 3-year-old is fascinated with evil characters. Whenever he plays make-believe, he always takes on the role of the villain; the only action figures he wants are the "bad guys." We've made big changes to our movie and TV viewing habits, but nothing has changed. How should we address this?

Jim: I don't think there's reason to be overly concerned -- yet -- about your three-year-old's interest in villains. Many young kids are fascinated with "bad guys." If your son is like most, this phase will eventually pass.

In fact, making a big deal out of the issue might actually delay the process of getting past it. Your son could be thriving on the negative attention he's getting by focusing on this issue. Kids will do almost anything for attention -- positive or negative -- especially if they're feeling neglected. The best approach is to ignore this villain business and concentrate on affirming your boy for interests that are more positive.

That said, a word of caution: If your son is mimicking the behavior of the evil characters and acting out in inappropriate ways, you'll need to nip that in the bud. Don't allow him to become aggressive or hurtful in his interactions with you, his siblings or other children.

Meanwhile, remember that you can use fictional children's characters to teach your child about virtuous character traits. Contrast between the "good guys" and the "bad guys." For example, you can ask your son, "Which character is more honest?" Then discuss the consequences of dishonesty. In the same way, you could ask, "Who is more helpful to other people?" This way you can direct the conversation into channels affirming positive virtues and actions.

Our counseling team would be happy to help if you'd like to unpack these thoughts in greater detail; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I married my husband basically for pragmatic reasons -- as a single mom at the time, I thought he'd be a great father to my child. Now I realize that I never really had romantic feelings for him. Is there hope for our relationship?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: The short answer to your question is yes: You can learn to love your husband with the kind of love that really lasts.

I say this for two reasons. First, in cultures where marriages are arranged, couples often learn to love one another deeply although their relationships weren't originally based on romantic feelings. Real love isn't primarily a matter of the emotions -- it's an act of the will. Feelings generally follow in the wake of intentional, deliberate actions; they grow out of commitment, perseverance and hard work.

The second reason gives me even more reason for hope. You apparently WANT to fall in love with your husband -- otherwise, you wouldn't have asked the question in the first place. So you've already taken an important step in the right direction.

Continue making progress by asking yourself what attracted you to your husband at the beginning of your relationship. The two of you felt an emotional connection at some level, even if it was only because of the kindness he displayed toward your child. Something about this man led you to believe life with him would be better than life without him. That spark may have diminished over time, but it can still be found and fanned into flame if you're willing to put forth the effort. You just have to take the time to dig down beneath the ashes.

Yes, it will take work -- but it's worth it. As Jim noted above, our counselors would be honored to help you start. I wish you the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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