Q: My father-in-law took his own life about four years ago. At the time our kids were very young, so my wife and I simply told them that Grandpa died because he was sick and elderly -- without providing details. Our two oldest are 12 and 9 now, and they want to know more. What should we say?

Jim: A great deal depends upon what they already know, so start by finding out what snippets of information they've picked up on their own. Sit down with them and ask, "What have people said to you about Grandpa's death? How does that make you feel?" It's important to get a sense of their emotional reaction to this family tragedy before moving forward with the discussion.

Feel free to speak honestly about your emotions; it's OK to be open with your own pain and sorrow. Now that your kids are older, they deserve to know the truth. Do what you can to provide them with some helpful insights into who their grandfather was, the issues he was wrestling with and his reasons for feeling so hopelessly hurt and wounded.

Emphasize how sad the suicide made you feel, and that you couldn't bear it if something like that ever happened to them. Assure them that they can talk to you about anything in their lives, anytime, no matter how sad, scary or embarrassing it may seem.

You can also use this situation to stimulate constructive thought and conversation. For example, you could ask, "What are some other ways Grandpa could have dealt with his pain? What can you do if you feel that depression is becoming a serious problem in your life?"

If you'd like to talk about this at greater length, please call and speak with one of our counselors for a free consultation; the number is 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My husband and I are newlyweds and are thinking seriously about having children. We're wondering when to start, how many kids we should plan on having, how far apart, etc. Do you have any insights?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: There's no "one size fits all" answer to prescribe for you when to have children, or how many to have. But there's one thing I can tell you: These are points on which you and your spouse need to be in agreement. Your relationship is unique, as are the concerns, perspectives, goals, beliefs and values each of you brings to it. No one else can dictate precisely how these factors ought to influence your decision to begin having children. But whatever you do, you need to be on the same page. So don't assume anything. Talk as long, as deeply and as often as you need to in order to come to a meeting of the minds.

Of course, not every couple gets to choose whether and when to have children. So, you're blessed even to be in the position of wrestling with these questions. That said, here are some principles to keep in mind.

-- Children need to be born into secure homes with loving parents. Make your marriage a priority.

-- The spacing of children depends more on the parents' emotional stability -- and sometimes economic circumstances -- than on an arbitrarily chosen number of years between births.

-- Children need your time. Are you committed to frequent business travel or generally overcommitted to your job? If so, you need to reevaluate your lifestyle before becoming a parent.

-- There's a price to postponing parenthood. As couples put off childbearing, they often discover that it's harder to conceive -- and that the chances of miscarriage increase -- as the years go by.

Children are a blessing if you can have them, and they deserve your absolute best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: This year has been so chaotic and difficult. I lost a couple of loved ones to the virus, my income dropped significantly, the nation seems to be falling apart -- I really don't feel very grateful for anything. Why should we even bother with a "Thanksgiving" holiday this year?

Jim: While I can understand your feelings -- and I'm truly sorry for your losses -- it's in the middle of difficulty that thankfulness is most profound and healing.

Consider that first Thanksgiving in America. After a 65-day voyage across the Atlantic Ocean in cold, miserable conditions, less than half of the Mayflower Pilgrims survived that first winter. Despite their adversity, their governor, William Bradford, proclaimed a day of thanksgiving for God's grace and provision.

In 1863, President Lincoln also called for a day of thanksgiving amid difficult times. He and his wife, Mary, were mourning the recent death of their 11-year-old son, Willie. And the country was embroiled in a bloody Civil War. Still, Lincoln declared the last Thursday of November of that year as a day of thanksgiving and prayer. His proclamation said, in part: "In the midst of a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity ... [our country] has been filled with blessings which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come."

Lincoln's sentiment still resonates today. Americans enjoy so much abundance that we easily forget how blessed we are -- even in the midst of difficulty.

No doubt about it, this has been a tough year. It's not easy to be thankful when life seems so dark. But as Dr. Tim Keller says, "It's one thing to be grateful. It's another to give thanks. Gratitude is what you feel. Thanksgiving is what you do." And the doing -- pausing to be thankful for what we have -- is important for our emotional and spiritual well-being.

Q: How can I get my kids to stop fighting?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Researchers report that in families with young children there is at least one sibling conflict every 10 minutes. That's a lot of refereeing from parents every day.

Siblings fight for many reasons -- jealousy, desire for control, being tired or hungry, feeling left out, boredom, competitiveness, frustration, anxiety, stress ... the list goes on. There can be many combinations and possibilities at play when your children choose to argue with one another. But just like they can engage in conflict, they can also participate in the solution.

Start with yourself. What happens when your children have conflict? Do you scream? Do you ignore it and then explode? Or do you just ignore it? Some parents simply let their kids hash it out in the hopes that "they'll figure it out." Your children need your guidance when it comes to resolving conflict and exhibiting empathy and patience as they navigate relationships.

Kids need to develop four key traits to manage sibling disagreements and conflict:

-- Flexibility of mind. Consider the other person's point of view and ask the question, "Is there another way to look at this?" Flexibility of mind allows for compromise and understanding.

-- Humility. Learn to consider the other person as having worth and importance, including their interests, thoughts and opinions. This also means learning to listen to others attentively and genuinely.

-- Patience. Make sure your child knows what this looks like and help him or her see the benefits of patience in relationships. Patience requires self-control.

-- Self-awareness. Your children need to learn to own their contribution to the problem. How well do you model this yourself?

Living with siblings is a great training ground for managing future relationships and learning all about patience, compromise, empathy, humility and other important character qualities.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: With everything it takes to work full-time and run a household, how can I find quality time to spend with my children? It seems like there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done as a mom.

Jim: You can begin by honestly asking yourself a few simple questions. Are you working to provide for basic needs, or does your income mostly go toward paying for "extras" that you could forgo to have more time with your children? Are there any aspects of "maintaining a household" that you can afford to sacrifice?

It's not always possible to plan meaningful interactions between a parent and a child. Those moments can't be cooked up and crammed into a few minutes of "quality time" every day. Many opportunities may catch you off guard and will be gone in the blink of an eye. You can't seize the moment if you're not there to do the seizing. And that means spending lots of "quantity" time together with your kids.

One of the easiest ways to make more time for your children is to turn off the screens. In the average American home, the television is on 49 hours a week. In contrast, the average amount of time that both parents combined spend in meaningful conversation with their children is 39 minutes a week. Instead of watching TV, read to/with them, play board games together, take a walk or just talk while doing chores.

Some parents feel pressure to sign their children up for numerous sports teams, music and dance lessons, social clubs and all kinds of community organizations. Don't fall prey to this mindset. Kids don't need a dozen different weekly activities. They need quality and quantity time with loving, involved and committed parents.

Q: With all the "at-home" time this year, I've really noticed the growing toxicity of so-called "entertainment."

Short of moving to a desert island, I can't completely shield my children from all of it. How can I help my kids make wise media choices?

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: Let me share some ideas that many families have found beneficial:

Establish guidelines for your family. Your household doesn't need more rules, but you don't want to leave the concept of making wise choices to mere chance. Establishing a family standard is key.

Rely on credible sources for entertainment review. Ideally, dads and moms should check out potential media choices before their kids actually make them. But very few parents have the time to preview everything of interest. At Focus on the Family's Plugged In, we're committed to offering balanced, trustworthy reviews of what's hot in entertainment.

Model wise choices. Learning to discern is an ongoing challenge for all of us. If you struggle with your own media choices, it's OK to admit that to your kids. But try to avoid teaching a principle and then violating that standard yourself; reestablishing your credibility is tough.

When you can't tune it out, try teaching. Unfortunately, there are occasions when an offensive scene or profane lyric happens so quickly that you don't have a chance to deflect it. Turn the incident into a teachable moment. Point out why the song, show or image in question fails to meet your family standard and reinforce the discernment principles you're following as a family.

Keep open communication lines. Talk often with your kids about entertainment and encourage them to ask questions when they need to. When you have to say "no" to certain entertainment, help them find positive alternatives. Intentionality is the best way to make your home a place where good habits of media discernment are caught as well as taught.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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