Q: How do we stop our two teenage sons from fighting over a girl? "Jake" (outgoing 16-year-old) has struck up a "friendship" with a girl who "John" (shy 17-year-old) has liked for months. This is a longtime pattern, although not over girls. "John" accuses his brother of stealing all his friends and says he hates him. "Jake" doesn't care and says he's free to befriend anyone he chooses. What can we do?

Jim: I think this is an opportunity for both of your sons to mature. "John" needs to stop blaming and take responsibility for his own friendships. And "Jake" needs to start treating his brother with greater kindness and respect.

I suggest you have a sit-down meeting with both sons at a time when tempers aren't flaring. Reaffirm your love for each of your boys. Then let them know that their self-centered attitudes must change -- and that you're going to help them with a system of firm consequences for negative behaviors.

Spell this out in a behavior contract: i.e., specified selfish attitudes will lose certain privileges for a set time period (driving, cellphone privileges, internet use, socializing, etc.). Then enforce the contract firmly. Make sure you're fair. Don't get sidetracked in debates over "who started it." If both boys are clearly in the wrong, they both experience the consequences.

As far as the dispute over the girl goes -- ultimately, she'll decide herself if she likes either of the boys. Your role is to set clear guidelines on dating and relationships and to make sure both of your sons treat the girl with respect. You can also teach them discernment skills; for example, help them establish criteria to determine whether this young woman shows enough good character to be worth pursuing in the first place.

We have plenty of tips and resources to assist parents of teens at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My wife just gave birth to our first child. I love our child very much, but whenever my wife asks me to help with the baby, I get frustrated, especially when I'm in the middle of something else. I know I'm being selfish. How do I overcome it?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Take heart -- it's common for new dads to experience some difficulty adjusting to a new baby. Some men feel a bit "left out" when they discover that all of their spouse's time and energy is being directed toward the child. What's more, some guys may find it hard to relate to an infant.

The good news is that you realize what you're up against. You understand that you have to find a way to put the needs of the baby above your own. Your infant is totally dependent upon you and your wife right now. As you're learning, the job of a parent involves a great deal of patience and self-sacrifice.

It's important that you express your feelings of frustration to your wife. If you've been feeling lonely or ignored since the baby arrived, say so. Naturally, most of her attention has to go toward the child for now -- that's a fact of life you have to adjust to. But it's also crucial for new parents to make sure that their "couple" relationship doesn't suffer unnecessarily. Having a regular date night, even with a newborn at home, isn't that hard -- just ask a friend or relative to watch the baby for a few hours each week. It will go a long way toward keeping your marriage healthy.

That said -- if you find yourself actually feeling true anger toward the baby, there may be some deeper issues that you need to address with a professional counselor. Contact us directly for help.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: How can I best reach out to someone who has lost a family member to suicide? My good friend's son recently took his own life, and I'm at a loss as to what I should do or say to her.

Jim: First, recognize that in addition to her grief, your friend is probably working her way through a huge amount of guilt and self-incrimination. Parents of suicide victims tend to blame themselves (and sometimes each other). They run through the "what ifs" a thousand times in their minds. They tell themselves they ought to have seen what was coming and should have done something to prevent it.

But be very careful with that understanding. Don't rush in and try to "fix" the situation. If circumstances allow, assure your friend -- gently and quietly -- that her son's death wasn't her fault. But don't push this idea on her.

The best plan is to resolve to be a good listener. Be there for her as she processes her emotions. Encourage her to seek professional counseling and to resist withdrawing into herself. Do what you can to make it easy for her to talk about her feelings and grieve openly.

Meanwhile, there are several reputable organizations and ministries that sponsor support groups for parents and family members of suicide victims. Examples include GriefShare (griefshare.com); SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education -- save.org); and the Yellow Ribbon Suicide Prevention Program (yellowribbon.org).

I invite you (and your friend) to call and discuss this situation with our counseling staff. The number is 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: What should I do when my 6-year-old son tells me he wishes he were dead? He said that today, and I was so shocked I didn't know what to say back.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: That statement would startle any parent! For a 6-year-old, any number of things can lead to big feelings. And big emotions can seem permanent. Kids this age don't really understand that death is permanent, too -- they just see it as a way to escape from overwhelming feelings.

So, affirm your son's honesty, and then get to the heart of his thoughts. Begin by asking, "What do you mean?" It's possible that one of three things could be happening:

-- He might be feeling overwhelmed by something.

Ask questions like, "When did you start feeling this way?" and "Can you tell me why?" Find the root cause, then consider a professional counselor to help him work through his feelings (see above for our counseling line). Meanwhile, emphasize that your son can talk to you whenever something feels like it's too much to handle.

-- He might be talking this way to get attention.

Children your son's age often resort to extreme strategies when they feel invisible, insignificant and/or ignored. Ask him, "Do you feel like no one pays attention to you?" If he says yes, then focus on that. Find out what you can do to make sure he knows that he is seen and loved.

-- He could be talking about death as a way of expressing anger or frustration.

He might feel he has too many chores, or too much homework, or that he's always in the shadow of an older sibling, etc. He might be saying "I wish I were dead" as a way of getting revenge or avoiding responsibilities. Again, ask questions to get him talking.

No matter what, don't ignore his behavior or pretend he never said those disturbing words. Instead, find out what is behind the words -- and then don't hesitate to get the necessary help for your child.

NOTE: Focus on the Family offers a free and comprehensive suicide prevention training resource for parents and youth influencers at focusonthefamily.com/alive-to-thrive.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My mother is in her 80s now and showing symptoms of dementia. Her short-term memory is so poor that she can't remember what she said ten minutes ago. It's as if we're already losing her. How can we communicate and keep up a meaningful heart-to-heart connection?

Jim: Caring for a loved one with dementia may be difficult, but it also has its meaningful moments. Our counselors have several suggestions for someone in your shoes.

Stay open to the possibility of connecting with your mom in simple ways -- for instance, by sitting with her in the twilight, holding her hand, brushing her hair and witnessing her contented smile. Caregivers may also find a deep sense of fulfillment in the reversal of the parent-child relationship, cherishing the opportunity to nurture their aging loved one.

While you can expect to be surprised by times of joy, living with someone who is afflicted by dementia can take a severe toll on the caregiver and their family. As you move through this phase in your relationship with your mother, make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Watch for signs of over-stress and burnout. Be especially aware that the frustration and confusion you're encountering can leave you feeling angry, guilty, depressed and overwhelmed. You may experience emotions of grief and sadness if your mom lashes out at you or no longer recognizes you. So, it's important to protect your own mental and emotional health. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for your mother effectively.

If you haven't already, you'll want to educate yourself on the various causes of dementia as well as medications currently being used to treat age-related memory loss. Your mom's doctor can help as you consider treatment cost and potential side effects that need to be balanced against the benefits.

On the practical level, it's important to have a plan of action to help you manage the needs of your loved one and still reserve some time for yourself. Here are some suggested steps to take:

-- Get a diagnosis. The sooner you know whether your mother has dementia that is treatable or untreatable, the better you'll be able to manage the situation.

-- Write a daily schedule. A structured day of planned activities will help promote a sense of routine and stability for your aging loved one.

-- Locate available resources. Take advantage of the services and information available from county and state health or social service agencies. A good starting place is the National Association of Area Agencies on Aging (www.n4a.org).

-- Seek financial and legal advice. Prepare for the future by discussing your mother's needs -- such as wills, trusts and durable power of attorney -- with a professional financial adviser or an attorney.

-- Be realistic about your loved one's changing capabilities. Try to concentrate on your mother's remaining strengths to help her feel loved and valued. Having realistic expectations about her situation will minimize disappointment and frustration for everyone.

-- Ask others to visit your aging loved one. Anyone who knows and loves your mother can provide a familiar face and potential boost to her morale. If your mom is a person of faith, visits from your pastor and other church members can be especially meaningful.

-- Cope with change. Realize what you can and cannot do, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Others are often willing to assist, especially if the requests are very specific and time-limited.

If you have relationship concerns and challenges associated with this situation, please don't hesitate to give our counseling department a call at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays from 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (Mountain Time). I wish you and your mom all the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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