parenting

Giving Your Relationship Extra Care

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | May 17th, 2020

Q: I'd say my marriage is healthy overall. Still, being closed up together in recent weeks has shown we have some work to do. My husband and I both want to grow from this time and improve our relationship moving forward. Do you have any practical advice?

Jim: Here's an illustration. Any fruit farmer will tell you that if you want a larger crop with better tasting fruit, you have to prune some branches. It seems counterintuitive, but it's true. Here's why. As we all know, a tree needs water and nutrients to grow. But it needs an abundance of water and nutrients to produce quality fruit. A tree with too many branches will use all its energy for survival. The fruit, if it grows at all, will suffer.

Marriages can have the same problem. People say yes to too many things. Before long, a couple has branches of activity stretching every which way. But the relationship is deprived of the time and attention it needs. The marriage may look healthy on the surface, but it really won't grow the way it should.

While none of us wanted a societal shutdown, now is a great time to give your relationship some extra care. Use the unexpected space and time to talk about the issues you're noticing. In short, do some trimming.

And as you recalibrate going forward -- if you recognize that you've been overstretched, prune back some branches of activity. Maybe skip that weekly TV show and reserve the time for conversation. Say no to an evening with friends in favor of a date night. Build some breathing room into your schedule, and your marriage will do more than just exist, it'll thrive.

For more ideas to help your marriage come alive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Being stuck in the house for weeks, everybody in our family has spent more time than normal using tech devices. I want to reclaim our media limits; any advice?

Adam Holz (Director) and Paul Asay (Senior Associate Editor), Plugged In: We all know that setting boundaries on screen-time use is hugely important for the sake of our kids' mental, emotional and spiritual health -- even (and especially) in this unprecedented season of disruption. But admittedly, that's been difficult of late.

And now it's hard to eliminate anything we like without a concrete plan for replacing it with something that offers a different kind of satisfaction. For parents, resetting our kids' screen-time limits demands something more than just a parental edict that they're not going to do "X" anymore. When we remove something from our children's lives that they enjoy and are used to doing, it's going to create a vacuum that we have a responsibility to help them fill. That requires planning and intentionality.

Whether it's games, making music, puzzles, drawings, various crafts, cooking new recipes, drawing contests, etc., your family's replacement strategies may look very different than someone else's. But the point is, we're not just dropping screen-time regulations on our kids and expecting them to naturally know what to do with the empty space we've just created. Instead, we're actively and intentionally engaged as parents, brainstorming and modeling non-screen-related activities. And the more offline fun you have, the better memories you'll create.

In truth, as scary as the coronavirus shutdown has been for many of us, it can also be an opportunity to create new, special moments with our children -- moments forged over a book or board game or saucepan, moments they'll treasure forever. Because in the end, those familial, face-to-face experiences we have with our kids are way more memorable than a binge-worthy show.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Family & ParentingCOVID-19
parenting

Keeping Up Relational Momentum

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | May 10th, 2020

Q: I'm usually so busy with work that I'm not around my children that much. They're used to Dad not being home. But being "stuck" home together these past weeks has reminded me that they're really fun kids. How can I keep up the relational momentum once things get back to "normal"?

Jim: One of the key building blocks to build a strong relationship with our children involves discovering new interests and activities together -- and making memories in the process.

Trying new experiences with your child, where both of you have to rely on one another, is a good way to forge lasting bonds. If you're still stuck inside, play challenging games that require teamwork. Do web searches for online scavenger hunts or virtual tours of museums. Research something and cowrite a report about it. When in doubt, read a book together.

Once you're back outside, extend yourselves. Attend a sporting event; take a cooking class; ride horses at an equestrian center; try rock climbing... The possibilities are endless. Obviously, some kids are a little more cautious and may need a "nudge" to be more adventurous. So be sure to explore activities that fit their interests and personality. But get creative.

Whatever activities you do, there's one underlying principle that should guide you. It's crucial for the parent-child relationship to be based on unconditional love and acceptance. Kids need Mom and Dad to be their biggest cheerleaders, affirming them when they succeed and encouraging them when they fail. Love, approval and verbal affirmation are crucial ingredients to a healthy relationship. Not only will your children be more apt to step out and try new activities, but your relationship will flourish when they know you're completely with them.

So, no matter the circumstances, keep finding things you can learn together. For more ideas to help your kids thrive, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My husband's employer shut down due to social distancing. The company may go under completely before it's all over. I think we can make it financially, but how can I help him as he grieves the loss of a treasured job?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Your goal is to show you care -- at the deepest emotional level -- how the loss is affecting your spouse. There are many facets to this, but here are just a few thoughts to keep in mind:

Your spouse needs your care before your solutions. Avoid using phrases like "at least" as a way of placing a silver lining around the loss. Saying "At least we have savings" or "At least you don't have coronavirus" won't help.

Resist the urge to problem-solve before you empathize with your spouse's pain. Problem-solving or trying to fix the problem usually leads to relationship disconnect. Hearts connect when you spend time caring and empathizing with your spouse's feelings during a loss. Sympathy is when you feel bad for your spouse: "I'm so sorry that you lost your job." Empathy is feeling bad with your spouse, connecting with his broken heart: "I can only imagine how devastated and overwhelmed you must feel right now. I don't know what to say, but we'll walk this out together."

Give your spouse a safe place to hurt in a way that's unique to him. Don't take his feelings personally. However, it's never OK for anyone to express their feelings inappropriately at your expense.

If he doesn't want to talk about the loss yet, give him space to internally process his feelings. Something like, "I would love to better understand what you're going through and how you're feeling. Let me know when you're ready to talk."

Our staff counselors would be happy to help you both; call 855-771-HELP (4357) for a free consultation.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Family & ParentingWork & School
parenting

Helping Kids Navigate Current Events

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | May 3rd, 2020

Q: The past couple of months have been so hard for everyone. Beyond the immediate thought of "just get through it," I'm struggling to grasp a lesson out of this time. What's your take?

Jim: We're probably all guilty of taking our blessings for granted. So, I think the biggest challenge we face may be to live every moment focused on what truly matters. For example, each time a natural disaster occurs, I listen to the wisdom of those who survive. These good folks stand in the rubble of their lives and, almost without exception, share the same perspective about what's really important. Though they've lost everything from a material standpoint, they express deep gratitude that their loved ones are safe.

That type of reaction makes sense. After all, tragedy has a unique way of bringing clarity into our lives. But I'm troubled that it often takes a crisis for us to see clearly. We get distracted, and family priorities soon begin to erode. For example, studies have shown that on average, fathers spend less than 60 seconds in daily conversation with each of their children!

Our culture constantly offers a skewed idea of what's valuable, and we buy into that hype far too easily. Parents work longer and harder in a never-ending quest for bigger houses, newer cars and the latest technology. Eventually, the "stuff" of life overshadows what really matters, while time with our family dwindles away.

When crisis rocks our lives at a foundational level, we need something to comfort us that goes even deeper. There are only two things in life that we can count on to do that -- the love and support of family and friends, and, most importantly, the bedrock of faith. Nothing besides love and an eternal perspective can reach into our suffering and bring us true comfort.

Q: No matter where we have turned these past weeks -- TV, internet, social media -- it's just nonstop bad news all the time. I'm concerned about how such things impact my kids. Do you have any advice?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting & Youth: This world can be a scary place. Even "normally," media is constantly filled with bad news -- from acts of violence to natural disasters to (now) a pandemic. It's tough enough to deal with these tragedies as adults, let alone talk to our children about them.

While parents shouldn't draw attention to every troubling event in the news, some are so widely publicized they can't be avoided. In those circumstances, it's a good idea to proactively talk to your kids using age-appropriate language. In as simple terms as possible, explain that hurt and pain are parts of our world. But strongly reassure them that you'll always do everything in your power to protect them. Remind them that dedicated people (first responders, medical professionals, law enforcement, military) stand ready to help us. Most of all, model faith and hope in God.

Keep in mind, too, that physical touch is an important part of these conversations. When children are feeling uncertain, a parent's hug can go a long way toward calming their fears.

It's important to invite your kids to share what's on their heart as well. Allow them to question or comment, but don't overload them with information. Be sure to limit exposure to ongoing coverage, particularly graphic video images. Finally, remember that various personality types and ages handle such events differently. Many children want to know how it all applies to their own lives, if they are safe and what they can do to help.

Helping kids navigate troubling news isn't easy, but caring, faithful parents can be a key source of strength, comfort and security. For more, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Family & Parenting

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