Q: I know several couples who have gotten divorced when we all thought they were perfectly matched. But others have stuck together when I thought there was no way they would. Why do you think some marriages work and some don't?

Jim: I heard an analogy a while back that I think illustrates the point. It's about the trees in the Cascade Range. The majority of these trees are hundreds of years old. It seems amazing they've survived so long when you consider that forests in the American West are under constant threat of fire from lightning strikes. Every year, thousands of acres of trees are killed by fires sparked by lightning.

So, why do trees in the Cascades keep growing strong for centuries? Well, that area of Washington State routinely experiences drenching rains. The lightning still comes, but the trees remain safe because the forest is saturated with water.

The application to marriage is simply this: Every marriage will be struck by lightning of some kind -- whether it be financial trouble, a longstanding illness or some other hardship. Many marriages erupt into flames while others survive the challenges -- or even thrive through them. The primary difference is the absence or the presence of drenching rain. In marriage, drenching rain is found in things like good communication, the willingness to forgive and taking the time to laugh together. It's the proactive commitment to love each other through every season.

Drenching your marriage with love takes time and sacrifice. But no matter who you are, the storms will come. So, protect your marriage from the lightning and flames. Let it rain, and your relationship can survive for decades.

Focus on the Family has plenty of resources to help. And if your relationship is nearing (or at) a breaking point, our Hope Restored® program has an exceptional success rate in healing troubled marriages. Visit HopeRestored.FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How can I help my child break out of her shyness?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Shyness is not a bad thing, and many kids end up learning how to manage their shy personality as they get older. However, there are some children who are excessively (even excruciatingly) hesitant to speak because they're insecure and scared. Shy kids often overthink because they're afraid they'll say "the wrong thing."

As a child-and-family therapist and school social worker, I've helped many parents of kids who struggle to speak and socialize freely. Here are some practical steps I've found valuable:

Ask your child what they experience when they feel shyness. What do they see, hear, feel? What do they think is demanded from them in the situations they encounter? Is there another way to look at these scenarios?

Help your child make observations rather than assumptions. What do they see around them when they feel shy? Do they feel the need to be perfect? Where did they get that assumption?

Proactively discuss when/how shyness becomes a problem. For instance, does shyness:

Prevent them from meeting new people?

Keep them from sharing their thoughts with others?

Restrict them from spending time with friends or peers?

Cause them to be self-critical or critical of others?

Provide challenges and celebrations:

Encourage kids to share their thoughts without calculating every potential angle.

Help them work through the worst-case scenario of opening up -- and how unlikely that result actually is.

Encourage your child to write their thoughts in a journal then read them aloud to you to practice offering their perspective.

As your child gains confidence in sharing their thoughts -- or at least starting with a friendly smile -- celebrate successes with dinner out or other special experiences.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I try to avoid conflict, especially with my spouse. But we still argue sometimes. It makes me worry and wonder if this is a sign our relationship is struggling. What's your take?

Jim: The presence of conflict doesn't necessarily mean a relationship is in trouble. In fact, certain conflict can actually be an indicator that a relationship is strong.

For example, conflict can easily occur when two people are close. Husbands and wives know one another inside and out, so it's easier for them to rub each other the wrong way. Although that dynamic has the potential to create problems, it also shows there's an intimate bond. And that's a good thing.

Spouses can also argue because they're both thinking, opinionated adults. They know what they like, what they want and what they believe. Again, that can create challenges -- but on its own it's one of the ingredients that can make a marriage truly great.

And, believe it or not, spouses often have conflict because they really love each other. Each partner genuinely cares about what the other says and does. This can lead to some heated exchanges, but it's usually for a good cause.

Every human relationship is susceptible to conflict, especially one as close as marriage. And sure, conflict can become destructive if it's allowed to progress unchecked. That's why it's important to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way, so you build up your relationship rather than tear it down.

My colleague, Dr. Greg Smalley, has done some great work in this area. Greg and his wife, Erin, wrote a helpful book called "Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage." I highly recommend it. You can find that book and many other resources at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My kids and their friends keep talking about TikTok. What is it, and what do I need to know about it as a parent?

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: TikTok is an app that gives users a chance to post short smartphone videos online. It was the second-most downloaded app of 2019 (behind WhatsApp Messenger). Overall, TikTok feels like YouTube with a very short attention span. Videos can be as long as 60 seconds, but many are much shorter.

TikTok videos can feature almost anything -- anything that will grab users' attention, that is. You'll see dancing and singing (which the app originally focused on). You might see a horse stick its tongue out or someone lying down drinking milk. In other words, it's an expressive digital medium that tweens and teens (and plenty of adults, too) gravitate toward to broadcast silly antics.

But it's not all silly, and there are some real issues parents need to know about. Usage guidelines prohibit graphic, violent, risky, sexually explicit or hateful content. But those rules are pretty loose. Profanity? No ban on that. And many young users post videos that are suggestive while avoiding explicit images. The app theoretically prohibits users under 13, but that's a guideline many underage users ignore. Young users could potentially find themselves in conversations with adults they don't know via the app's comment feature. TikTok has also become a go-to destination for viral video challenges, many of which can be risky.

On a more philosophical level, TikTok is all about grabbing attention. Videos practically scream, "Look at me!" This is true of social media in general. But TikTok feels custom-made to encourage narcissism. And it's easy to burn a lot of time watching inane videos, too.

TikTok says its mission is "to inspire creativity and bring joy." That said, TikTok also offers many avenues for kids to drift into trouble if parents aren't closely engaged with what they're watching and posting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife struggles with anxiety. I try to help her, but it's wearing both of us down. I get to the point where I don't know what to say, and sometimes I think anything I do say will be wrong. Do you have any advice?

Jim: We all occasionally experience times of worry. But when someone suffers from full-blown fear and anxiety, it can be a daily, almost crippling way of life for that individual and everyone around them. Admittedly, this column isn't the best venue to address this question in depth, but here are a few ideas from our counselors to keep in mind.

First, don't be dismissive of the person's fears, no matter how irrational they may seem to you. Our counselors say that minimizing someone's feelings will make them feel isolated and alone, which will only intensify their anxiety. Also, don't give in to the notion that talking about the fear will make it worse. That's not the case. In fact, open conversations can actually defuse fear by acknowledging it and bringing it into the open.

And don't underestimate the importance of faith, either. Most fears are caused by the knowledge that many situations in life are beyond our control. That's why a deep faith in Someone greater than us who is in control can bring peace.

Finally, seek help from a professional. Fear and anxiety often have deep roots -- and reassurances from family members, no matter how well-meaning, will offer little comfort. Fortunately, talk therapy (and appropriate medication in certain situations) can greatly reduce the power of fear in a person's life.

To speak with one of our counselors, or to find one in your area, call 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I'll admit that I often get impatient with my children. How can I improve in this area?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: You're not alone. In a recent study of 2,200 parents, 60 percent said they wish they had more patience. Forty-seven percent wished they were better at controlling their emotions and reactions. Yet in this same study, 91 percent said parenting is their greatest joy.

While parenting is our greatest joy, it's generally driven either by (A) our empathy and desire to help our children manage their emotions and decisions, or (B) our own internal emotional turmoil: insecurity, pain, loneliness or difficulty managing stress.

Fatigue, stress and interpersonal conflict (with friends, coworkers or your spouse) can all deplete your patience throughout the day. One of the keys to addressing this problem is to prioritize unconditional love with your kids. It's important to stop and get some perspective. Your child probably doesn't have insight into what is impacting you.

Unconditional love means putting your own "stuff" aside for a moment and being present with your child. Notice the word "present" can also mean "gift." You're giving of yourself as a gift to your child; they don't need to earn it from you.

Try these three things to get yourself present with your child:

Pause your mind, take a deep breath and look into your child's eyes -- what do you see? Look carefully.

Take inventory of your life. What are the demands, stresses, pressures, etc., that are depleting your patience? What do you need to do to manage those things?

Ask questions to gather more information and truly understand what is going on in your child's life. Do you initially see your child as a nuisance or as a gift? That initial perspective makes a big difference!

Unconditional love helps you build a strong foundation for a healthy parent-child relationship that can bring peace even amid chaos.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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