parenting

Ways to Shift to Positive Thinking

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | March 15th, 2020

Q: I am SO sick of all the negative news in the world. Day in, day out -- it never ends. I'm trying to find ways to shift my thinking to positive things. Can you offer any suggestions?

Jim: It'll probably come as no surprise that exposure to bad news can have a cumulative negative effect on people. Studies show that stories featuring violence or tragedy elevate a person's stress, anxiety and sadness. Add to that the sheer amount of information we're exposed to through newspapers and TV, the internet and social media, and we're virtually drowning in negativity.

So, what's the remedy? Well, we don't have to stick our heads in the sand and ignore what's going on in the world. But since we can't stop the bad news, maybe we can be good news right where we live.

I'd suggest trying to be a bright light in the middle of the darkness around you. In other words, volunteer a few minutes of your time to bring good news to people right there in your own neighborhood. Look for a way you can help someone else, and then just step up to do it.

It'll be an encouragement for you and others. Investing in your community will offer you a sense of purpose and well-being that comes from helping others. But it'll also make your neighborhood a more positive place to live. The opportunities to lend a hand are all around you -- from coaching Little League to shoveling an older neighbor's driveway after a snowstorm. Home-baked cookies are always a win. Something as simple as a smile and a wave can lift someone else's spirits... and maybe even start to build a bridge. You just have to look for ways to be "good news" to others right in your neighborhood.

Q: How can I avoid arguing with my child over homework? He absolutely hates doing his assignments!

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: When kids get emotional about their homework, it can be frustrating for parents, too. For peace to prevail, two things are important. First, parents need to understand what kids are really saying about their homework. Statements like "I hate spelling" really translate into "I feel dumb," or "I'm not like the other kids." When you grasp the reality of their insecurity and frustration, their emotional reactions make more sense.

Second, you must get a handle on how your child's homework frustration impacts you. Emotions are triggered fast in these situations, and misunderstandings can quickly spiral into disconnection between parents and children.

You get to set the tone and model self-control to help your children find their footing. Kids who lash out about homework have let their emotions overcome their thinking. It's up to you to help them feel more grounded.

Difficulty with homework challenges a child's self-confidence. When that happens, approach your son with compassion rather than defensiveness.

Here are some ways to help ease the stress of homework:

Encourage mental breaks. If your child is stuck, have them take a 5-minute timeout from their work.

Emphasize small, attainable goals. Help your son focus on incremental milestones rather than obsessing about the finish line.

Create a comfortable environment. For some kids, that might involve background music or a heater in the winter. Ask your child to help you come up with ideas to make study space ideal for concentrating.

Be available and patient. Just because your child may be "emotionally off" doesn't mean you need to be.

Celebrate at the end of the week -- maybe with ice cream, a hike, a movie or a special game -- when your child has owned homework time well.

For more parenting tips, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Family & ParentingWork & School
parenting

Upcoming Loss Impacts Family

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | March 8th, 2020

Q: We recently learned that my elderly mother has only a few months to live. Our whole family is shaken, but I'm especially concerned about how to help my young children process that their beloved Grandma is dying. Do you have any advice?

Jim: It's tough on everybody when a loved one is suffering from a terminal illness. But the emotional needs of young children often get overlooked entirely. It's easy to think that they're not as impacted by sickness and death since they don't fully understand it. Yet even little ones can experience fear and confusion in these situations.

To support your children when someone they know and love is dying, keep a few things in mind:

First, get your kids ready for what's coming. You'll want to use age-appropriate language, of course. But introduce them to the concept of death before your loved one actually passes away (examples from nature will likely resonate with little ones). That'll give your children an opportunity to make sense of what's happening.

Second, keep it simple, but tell your children the truth about dying. Some parents try to soften the reality of death too much. They say, "Grandma went on vacation" or "Uncle Fred became an angel." In the long run, an overly soft approach doesn't help children grapple with the real pain of death. This is also a great time to highlight your faith and the spiritual aspects of these matters.

Finally, prepare your children for the emotions they're likely to see all around them. They may wonder why everyone is crying and upset. Help them understand that death makes people sad -- and it's OK if they feel sad, too. Encourage your children to ask questions and to talk about what they're feeling.

Focus on the Family's counselors would be happy to help your family walk this path; call 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays.

Q: I meet with some other guys for breakfast every week. We've all gotten married in the last three years. Do you have a good suggestion to help us all strengthen our marriages?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Here's a visual for you. You know those grooves cut along the shoulder of the road that make a loud noise when you drive over them? Those are rumble strips; they're designed to warn you when you drift too far outside of your lane.

Rumble strips can save your life. They can save your marriage, too.

Good boundaries help you govern important areas of your relationship -- things like money, conflict and friendships with people of the opposite sex. With money, for example, sit down with your wife and discuss how well you communicate about things like budgets and credit cards. Put some rumble strips in place that safeguard how, where and when you both spend your money.

Good boundaries will also help you engage in healthy conflict. Fight fair. Don't call each other names or demean one another. Speak to each other with love and respect and listen carefully to what your spouse has to say.

It's also wise to have clear boundaries regarding the opposite sex. Put up safeguards that protect how you interact with relationships at work, church and community gatherings.

Don't forget other parts of your relationship that would benefit from good boundaries, like who you talk to on social media or the amount of quality time you spend together.

The first priority is always to protect your marriage. So, set up some rumble strips that will keep your marriage in its proper lane before it can drift too far.

And here's a bonus "pro tip": Involve those breakfast buddies in the process. Let them hold you accountable about your rumble strips.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Marriage & DivorceAging
parenting

How We Respond Matters More Than We Think

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | March 1st, 2020

Q: My son just got engaged to be married. As he and his fiancée prepare for life together, what advice would you give them for building a solid relationship?

Jim: There are all sorts of ways I could go with this, but I'd start by asking them this: How many times have you faced a problem and looked for the easiest way out? That's not an unusual response. But the easiest way isn't always the best one.

When we encounter trials, how we respond matters more than we think. Responding well not only makes it more likely that the problem itself will get resolved, it prepares us to better handle future crises as well. That's because a healthy response to a serious issue bolsters our character and further matures us as individuals -- and, in marriage, as a couple.

Take a marriage crisis, for example. Some couples don't handle conflict well. They insult each other, act petty or behave with a harsh, critical attitude that makes their problems worse. It's like cleaning up a spill with an oily rag. The whole mess gets worse, not better.

On the other hand, couples who treat each other with respect in the middle of conflict stand a much better chance of healing their marriage. They're more likely to resolve the issue they're facing today, and they put themselves in a better position to correct issues down the road.

So, I'd tell your son and his bride-to-be: When we face a serious life challenge (and we all do), the goal isn't simply to correct the problem by any means necessary. How we resolve it is just as important. We'll either act in a way that enhances our character or in a way that diminishes it.

Q: My preteen kids keep begging for smartphones. Most of their friends already have their own (expensive) phones, but I'm still reluctant. Do you have guidelines for when we should let our children have phones?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: It makes sense that your preteen is begging for a smartphone. If we're honest, we would have done the same thing at that age. But that doesn't make having a smartphone as a preteen a great idea.

Smartphones can be addictive distractions for any of us, but especially children. While these devices can be very practical and convenient, they also give kids wide-open access to the internet and the dangers that come with it (online bullies, pornography, child predators, etc.) -- even with incredibly sophisticated monitoring and filtering apps. And it doesn't take long for chores to get overlooked, physical activity to be tossed aside or schoolwork to fall by the wayside.

The average age a child gets their own smartphone is 10 years old and dropping. Even kids as young as six or seven often have one. However, elementary school kids are not ready developmentally for the onslaught on their attention and time, as well as the various temptations smartphones provide at their fingertips.

Generally speaking, the longer you wait to give your children a smartphone, the better. Most experts would agree that later is safer and smarter. Much depends on your child's personality and maturity level, but most researchers agree that 12 to 14 is about as young as parents should go for a full-capability smartphone. Even then, it's best for the phone to initially be for emergencies only to gauge how your child manages limits, trust and correction.

Parents don't have to be alarmists and oppose all technology. But we do need to be realistic and wise about the risks smartphones pose to (especially) young children.

For more resources and tips, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce

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