parenting

Stopping the Vicious Cycle of Worrying

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 26th, 2020

Q: I really struggle with worrying about ... well, almost everything. Do you have any practical suggestions for controlling my anxiety and keeping my perspective?

Jim: Let me turn back the clock to a well-known author and speaker, Dale Carnegie. Although he died in 1955, his books and seminars continue to sell the world over. He's probably best known for his book "How to Win Friends and Influence People." But another of Carnegie's classic works, "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living," is a timely and insightful message for this anxious era in which we live.

Here are Dale Carnegie's seven rules to stop your vicious cycle of worry:

No. 1: Fill your mind with thoughts of peace, courage and hope. As a man thinks, so is he.

No. 2: Don't waste time trying to get even with an enemy. Let it go.

No. 3: Be grateful.

No. 4: Count your blessings. Never look at what you have lost -- look at what you have left.

No. 5: Be yourself -- don't imitate. If you do, the best you can ever hope to be is second best.

No. 6: Make the best of bad situations. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

No. 7: Forget about yourself. When you are good to others, you are best to yourself.

I would tack on my own addendum -- a spiritual one -- to Carnegie's thoughts. There's a real sense of peace in knowing that we're directly connected with something bigger than ourselves. And I believe that "something" is Someone. The Creator who made me knows everything I'll ever face and walks with me on my journey, regardless of what comes along. I hope you connect with Him, too.

Q: With three teenagers in the house, I'm concerned about the dangers of substance abuse. What can I do to "drug-proof" my home?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Drug abuse is so widespread in our culture that you can't expect to completely isolate your kids from exposure to it. But you can take ongoing, deliberate and proactive measures to build up their immunity to using drugs.

First and most important, model the desired behavior yourself. If the kids see you smoke, vape, drink or abuse prescription medications, they're more likely to do the same. (Remember: it's never too late to quit.)

Secondly, create an environment that consistently balances love and limits while pursuing genuine relationships. Kids who know they're loved unconditionally are less likely to seek escape through substances. Those who have learned to live within appropriate boundaries supported by parental involvement will have better impulse control and self-discipline. Research affirms that balancing healthy love and limits helps set up children with the strong foundation necessary to make wise decisions.

Speaking of limits, help your children understand why drugs are harmful. "Just say no" is a great motto -- but understanding the negative physical, social, psychological and emotional effects will build a more complete and helpful conversation. Social pressure is real and difficult; role-play different scenarios with them about how they would respond to pressure and why.

Meanwhile, don't be afraid to confront when necessary. Be clear about the limits in your home, and the consequences -- loss of driving, dating, and/or phone privileges, etc. But remember that drug abuse is often social; you truly become who you "run" with. Help your kids learn to be discerning in relationships. Who gets a vote in their lives? Who is influencing whom?

Finally, remember that even in families that hold strong values and practice ongoing "drug-proofing," there are no 100 percent guarantees. Ultimately, these decisions are your kids' to own. So if a problem arises, face it squarely. Seek help, if necessary. Maintain interactive relationships with your kids balancing warmth and limits.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Mental Health
parenting

Social Media Tips For Kids and Parents

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 19th, 2020

Q: My kids are old enough to have their own social media accounts, and I'm reluctantly ready to let them. But I'm still nervous about it. Do you have any advice?

Jim: We've all heard the stories. Someone posts an offensive comment to social media and gets fired. A young boy stumbles across explicit content online and begins to struggle with pornography. A teen girl is bullied on Facebook and Twitter. One foolish mistake on social media can haunt a person for years. All it takes is one insensitive tweet, a misinterpreted Instagram picture or an unguarded moment captured on Snapchat.

None of us wants to see our children in these situations. But we live in a media-driven world, and the internet is here to stay. If you talk openly with your kids and put common-sense safeguards in place, they can learn to navigate the web safely and responsibly.

First, teach your children the value of a good reputation. A classic Proverb says, "A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches" -- and that's especially true in this digital age. It takes hard work to earn the respect of others, and only one brief, foolish decision to lose it.

Also, stay involved in your child's internet use. As parents, we need to repeatedly talk with our children about online dangers and reaffirm their awareness of the ramifications of what they post online.

We should go beyond issuing warnings, though. Parents should set common-sense boundaries around online time. Begin talking at an early age about discernment. Consider installing filters that will block objectionable content. Finally, moms and dads need to know what social networks their kids are a part of. You might even want to require knowing their password, especially in the case of a younger teen.

You can find more practical advice on our website at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting/tech-support-for-parents.

Q: When should I tell my parents and siblings that my marriage is on the rocks? My wife and I have been struggling for a long time. We're seeing a counselor and we both want the relationship to work, but so far things aren't getting any better.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Generally speaking, secrets are a bad thing, whereas confidentiality is good. When someone who needs to know something doesn't, that's keeping a secret. On the other hand, when the people who need to know do know, and the rest of the world doesn't, healthy confidentiality is being maintained. When everyone gets in on the action -- regardless of who they are -- that's gossip. And gossip isn't in anyone's best interest.

In that context, the general rule of thumb is to dispense information only on a need-to-know basis. If a physical change in your living arrangements is imminent, then immediate family members are going to have to know about it sooner or later, and it would be best if they got the word from you first.

This doesn't mean you have to share all the details with them. Discuss your deepest concerns only with people you trust implicitly and regard as thoroughly healthy and safe. Everybody needs a strong support system you can turn to in times of trouble. Ideally, we all want family in that network. The problem is that family members are often too emotionally involved, too biased and too invested to maintain a helpful and objective point of view.

If you believe that your family members have the capacity to listen compassionately, and you're convinced that their only motive in doing so would be to offer you good, solid, objective and disinterested advice, it might be worth your while to open your heart to them.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
parenting

Invest Time in Previous Generation

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 12th, 2020

Q: Now that my kids are grown, I have more time on my hands and want to invest it in something else meaningful. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: We often place great emphasis on the next generation: The children growing up today who will become the leaders of tomorrow. That's certainly very worthwhile, but what about the previous generation?

In many Western nations, the birth rate is declining while the elderly are the fastest-growing segment of the population. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of people 65 and over will double by 2050. By 2030, one in five Americans will be elderly.

Unfortunately, our culture prizes those who are young and beautiful. But there's great value in every human being, no matter their age.

Investing in the older generation is about more than spending time with your own parents and grandparents, although that's definitely important. Think about the thousands of men and women around us -- veterans, nursing home residents, shut-ins, etc. -- who are growing old alone. One survey of more than 16,000 care centers in the U.S. found that only 15 percent of the residents received visitors. Eighty-five percent didn't receive visits from anyone ... not friends, not family, not even a chaplain. We can do better. We must do better.

So I hope you'll consider investing a little time, energy and love in the elder generation. We can all gain a lot from their wisdom, experience and example. And they'll benefit from our love and appreciation.

Q: My ex-husband is a convicted felon serving a long prison sentence. How should I respond to my son's questions about his dad? He has some great role models in my father and my brothers, but I'm worried that he will somehow end up identifying with his father's example.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: It makes sense for your son to have questions; he wants to get to know a part of his story that he does not know well. He's blessed to have a mom who loves him so much and is intentional about this situation.

Be honest when your boy asks questions about his dad. Explain that his father made some bad decisions in the past and is facing the consequences, which includes being in jail for a long time. Above all, make sure your son understands that his father is absent because of his own mistakes; kids often tend to assume the blame for any kind of brokenness in the family structure.

It's natural for your boy to be sad, even angry, about his father being in prison. But you should also help him grasp the point that resentment only hurts the person who nurtures it. So help him develop healthy ways to deal with these emotions (exercising, hobbies, talking to someone he trusts, etc.). You're in the best position to help your son build a plan for who he wants to become rather than defaulting to repeating his dad's mistakes.

Keep in mind that he may ask to write to or visit his father -- or Dad might want to initiate contact. Talk this through with a counselor. Some kids are in a good place emotionally to do this, but some aren't.

Meanwhile, it's encouraging to know that your son has been blessed with so many other positive male role models. As he grows, encourage these men to spend special one-on-one "guy" time with him. Their affirmation and attention will give your boy a deeper sense of how special and valuable he is.

If you'd like to discuss these ideas further with one of our staff counselors, call 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Family & Parenting

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