parenting

Prioritizing Commitments Can Help Find Balance

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | September 22nd, 2019

Q: I fill a lot of important roles: husband, father, breadwinner, business owner, church leader, youth sports coach, etc. But I usually feel like I'm running behind, and I guess I vent my stress on my family sometimes. How can I find a better life balance?

Jim: People are busier than ever these days. With family responsibilities, work pressures and volunteer opportunities, the list can be endless.

There's a famous quote often attributed to Samuel L. Clemens, better known by his pen name of Mark Twain: "The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one." I don't know if Clemens actually said that, but it's a good principle. When things start to get overwhelming, sometimes it helps to just address one person or thing at a time -- starting with those closest to you.

Maybe you need to prioritize your commitments, saying no to good things so you can say yes to better things ... like making time for dates with your wife or conversations with your kids. Maybe your family needs to turn off all the electronic devices and eat dinner together. Maybe you need to make the first move to mend a broken relationship. Maybe you need to organize your home or office.

Stress affects everyone and comes in all shapes and sizes. But how we handle it can mean the difference between sinking or swimming. And making even the smallest changes -- just taking life one day or one breath at a time -- can keep you moving forward.

For more tips to help your family thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I want to help my children learn that their actions make a statement about their character. Do you have any suggestions?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Each of our actions suggests something about our values and motives. This goes for parents as well as kids, so what we model speaks louder than what we say.

Many of our behaviors can be interpreted in light of "I'm acting as if" statements. For example, being impatient with your children can translate into "I'm acting as if my kids are a nuisance to me." Working insanely long hours might equal "I'm acting as if rest and renewal are unimportant for me and my family."

But there are positive "I'm acting as if" messages, too. Listening intently to your daughter and talking with her conveys the idea "I'm acting as if understanding and guiding my kids is important." Setting a bedtime for your younger children says "I'm acting as if boundaries and limits are important because they encourage healthy habits."

Similarly, the phrase, "you are acting as if" holds a mirror up to your child's character. It can help start the conversation about what's observed and what may need some attention.

For instance, after observing a child's behavior, a parent could say "I've noticed you acting as if ..."

-- A smartphone is your only ticket to social survival.

-- You can't get by without video games.

-- School is a miserable place for you.

-- Winning is what gives you value.

-- Wearing certain clothes is critical to finding love.

-- Having a boyfriend or girlfriend seems like a "need" to you.

Parents can follow up on these statements by asking "Am I on target or not? Why?"

This exercise is a tool to get the conversation pointed inward rather than getting stuck on outward behaviors. It's also designed to focus your efforts on understanding, communication and guidance rather than control. Character formation takes a lot of work and grows from the inside out.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Abandoned Goals Litter the Road of Life

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | September 15th, 2019

Q: It seems like every time I try to make some improvement in my life, like learning a new skill or developing a good habit, I fall short of my goals. I might make some progress, but never as much as I want. It's very discouraging. What's your advice?

Jim: One of the greatest barriers to success is an "all or nothing" attitude. That's when you convince yourself that minor setbacks justify scrapping the whole endeavor. It's like when you slip up on your diet and eat a pint of ice cream. That one mistake causes some people to abandon their diet for the rest of the week ... or the rest of the month ... or even permanently.

Abandoned goals litter the road of life. Staying the course is especially difficult when the changes you're making are big ones. It's not easy to start an exercise program or to give an important relationship a whole new level of time and attention. Change doesn't happen overnight. In fact, research says that it takes an average of 66 days to form new habits. That means you have to remain persistent and expect a few setbacks along the way.

The good news is that setbacks don't have to turn into complete derailment. Success may require a lot of things from you, but perfection isn't one of them. We all fall short sooner or later. And those missteps can have a good outcome if you stay hungry, productive and are willing to learn and grow. The path to the finish line doesn't always go around failure -- it usually goes right through the heart of it.

Writer and philosopher G.K. Chesterton once wrote: "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." So give yourself a little room to fail. Cut yourself some slack and keep on trying.

Q: As a media analyst, what's your biggest concern about today's culture? And what, if anything, gives you hope?

Adam Holz, Plugged In: That's a great question. I think my biggest concern involves the way technology has increasingly insinuated itself into every nook, cranny and crevice of our lives. That's largely due to the portable nature of smartphones. They've made constant connection with content of all kinds a way of life for many people. And though we often see articles about children's screen-time concerns, research also shows that many parents have similar habits or perhaps even addictions when it comes to our screens.

All that time connected to screen-based media comes freighted with potential problems. Obviously, there's the question of content -- of what we're looking at and listening to. For teens, the content issue is huge, especially if parents haven't utilized appropriate internet filters and focused on building a relationship where they can talk to their teens about their online habits. But beyond that, screen time is also conditioning our brains and neural connections to pick up these devices compulsively, potentially to the detriment of our important relationships and health. And though social media theoretically helps us connect with others, for many teens and adults alike, it's increasingly being correlated with anxiety, depression and other mental health concerns.

On the brighter side, however, more and more experts are sounding the alarm about the potential pitfalls of too much exposure to screen-based content of all kinds. Just as culture slowly awakened to the health hazards of smoking a generation ago, researchers are increasingly warning about the need to rein in our culture's love affair with mobile connectivity. Unplugging from some of these habits won't be easy, but a growing chorus of voices are encouraging and equipping us to do exactly that.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Preparing Children for Peer Pressure

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | September 8th, 2019

Q: I want to prepare my 11-year-old to resist the peer pressure I know she'll experience in her teen years. How can I help her develop the confidence to do that?

Jim: You're wise to be setting the foundation early. Far too many teenagers seem incapable of resisting their friends when it counts. The good news is your kids can learn to say "no." Just keep in mind that you have to let them start with you. Don't panic -- I'll clarify that in a moment.

The word "no" is an important boundary, and saying it is a crucial life skill. It's a way to separate ourselves from other people. Without it, we can't have our own opinions or beliefs, and our individuality gets swept away by others more willing to speak their minds. What's more, it's self-perpetuating -- when we aren't able to draw healthy boundaries, we can end up being pulled deeper and deeper into more and more situations that compromise our convictions.

Sadly, the reluctance to express an opinion often begins at home. When a child tells a parent "no" or disagrees over some matter, it's considered "backtalk." And how does the parent usually react? They stamp out the child's behavior with a stern warning that it had better never happen again. Is it any wonder, then, that kids dread taking a stand against the outside world when their opinion is so readily condemned by those closest to them?

For sure, a child shouldn't be allowed to speak disrespectfully to a parent or to dismiss their authority. But kids learn to take value in their opinions -- and themselves -- when their parents value their perspective. So, as long as your child behaves respectfully, allow her room to have an opinion, especially when it differs from yours. It'll give her the confidence to stand behind what she believes out in the real world when it counts most.

Q: My wife and I don't doubt that we were "made for each other." Still, approaching our third anniversary, we're shocked by how much tension we feel over small differences that were fascinating before we got married. Is this normal?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: This is one of the most common questions I hear about marriage. For many of us, it's perplexing how qualities we found so attractive in our future spouse when we were dating became so irritating once we tied the knot. It's helpful to remember that "different" doesn't mean "wrong."

One of the toughest challenges for newlyweds is accepting their spouse's personality. Dating couples are usually so busy trying to impress each other they overlook their partner's quirks. But once the honeymoon is over, all those irritating habits can get pretty hard to live with.

And that's where many couples make a mistake that's fatal to their marriage. They allow their mate's personality to grate on their nerves. Left unchecked, resentment will build. And once resentment takes hold, a spouse's commitment to his or her relationship can quickly erode.

Needless to say, I think there's a better path. But it starts with having the right attitude toward your spouse. The key is to recognize that "different" doesn't have to mean "wrong." Our personality is what makes us uniquely who we are. And not only can a marriage handle two unique individuals, it can actually thrive on them.

True, learning to accept your spouse's personality quirks may take some patience and growth on your part. But it's an important step in cultivating variety in your relationship. After all, variety is the spice of life -- and a little spice can go a long way toward helping your marriage thrive.

For tips and resources to build a strong marriage, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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