Q: Once again, I couldn't afford to give my kids the memorable summer vacation that their friends all seem to experience. It's discouraging. Do you think they'll resent me for it?

Jim: One of the best lessons I've ever learned about parenting happened about 10 years ago. I headed out on a road trip with my brother and my son to pick up a fifth-wheel trailer I'd purchased online. Nine hundred miles from home, my truck broke down on the highway. We were stranded. The repairs cost me a lot of money and four days of my vacation.

I don't mind telling you I was miserable and frustrated. We were stuck in a small hotel and had to eat every meal at the same restaurant next door. By the time my truck was fixed, we just headed back home.

I remember pulling onto the highway and stewing over how terrible everything had turned out. That was when my then-seven-year-old son turned to me with a huge smile and said, "Thanks, Dad. That was a great vacation. I think one of the best ever!"

I had been upset all week about abandoning my vacation plans back there along the highway. My son just wanted to spend time together. The stuff we did wasn't nearly as important as who he was with.

My son taught me a great lesson that day. And I think in the long run, your children will feel the same way. What we do isn't as important as who we're with -- the people we love.

Q: My oldest daughter is a model child -- pleasant, cheerful and agreeable. Her little brother is the exact opposite. How might a mild-tempered, cooperative child be impacted by having a defiant and strong-willed sibling in the home?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: You're wise to recognize that a compliant child may be overlooked and taken for granted, particularly with a more defiant and outspoken youngster in the family. As the saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Even subconsciously, we may expect the compliant child to do more or sacrifice because Mom and Dad just don't have the energy; there's a tendency to place more responsibility on the kid who won't complain as loudly.

But that has consequences. The responsible child often develops a sense of powerlessness and resentment that simmers below the surface. She may also become prideful of her "good" behavior and overconfident in her natural abilities and delegated power. This combination of pride and a sense of injustice can sometimes lead compliant children to become passive-aggressive, manipulative and devious in dealing with others. They may even learn to get away with things "under the radar." They can also be prone to perfectionism, stress and depression since they often feel trapped by their need to please other people.

So it's important to balance the scales and make sure the compliant child gets her fair share of parental attention. Set aside special times to spend with your daughter on a regular basis. Make a date to have ice cream, go for a walk or simply sit and talk together at least once a week. Cultivate an awareness of her feelings and the details of her life at home and school -- especially any fears, anxieties or resentments that hide beneath her quiet and cooperative exterior.

If necessary, draw her out by asking questions like, "What's it like for you to live in our family?" or "What do you wish we noticed more of in you?" Invest the time to celebrate her successes and positive decision-making. Let her know that she's an important and highly valued unique member of the family. Emphasize that you're thankful for her -- imperfections, dreams and all.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm very discouraged about what I see in our country. So many problems; so much animosity and negativity. But it's all so big -- what can one person do?

Jim: Let's use a simple analogy. Say you're in a public bathroom drying your hands when you see a used paper towel on the floor. Do you pick it up and throw it in the trash? I'm not exactly a "germophobe," but who knows where that thing has been or what it's touched?

For the most part, society isn't transformed by sweeping changes very often. Cultural change usually comes as a result of small things you and I do every day at the grassroots level. We see problems in our communities -- big and small. Do we ignore them because we don't want to touch them? What if it contaminates us? Let somebody else handle it.

How many times have we walked by and ignored what we see? The problem is, everybody else wants to ignore the problem, too. It's not long before one stray paper towel becomes a bathroom so filthy you don't want to use it.

A famous quote often attributed to Irish statesman Edmund Burke says: "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Few of us have the power to change the world, but we can all do small, positive things every day that bring peace into chaos. We can all do something to make our corner of the world a better place to be. We can all replace the truly ugly with something beautiful. We can all offer something good to replace what's bad.

If we each just "pick up a paper towel," we'll start to clean things up. And it begins with a piece of 2,000-year-old wisdom: Treat others the way you want to be treated yourself.

Q: My husband and I disagree at times, just like all couples. We've been taught that as long as we each win our share of the arguments, we'll keep things in balance. Sometimes his way, sometimes hers. Do you agree?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Actually, I don't agree. Here's why: If you're playing a game, keeping score is the only way to determine a winner. But in a marriage, scorekeeping is destructive. When a relationship is defined by "winners" and "losers," it's only a matter of time before things fall apart.

Scorekeepers are easy to spot in a conflict. Their goal is to win. They don't compromise, respect their spouse's point of view or resolve issues in a way that benefits the relationship. Their secret to finding happiness is to make certain everything goes their way. To do that, scorekeepers measure the relationship. They keep a running tally of how well their spouse is doing in the marriage. And if the scorekeeper doesn't feel happy, they blame their spouse, criticize their every move and demand the spouse change to accommodate the scorekeeper's wishes.

But instead of a nurturing relationship that benefits both spouses, scorekeeping turns the marriage into a competition. It sets the couple against each other. Conflicts don't resolve issues; they declare a winner.

It's impossible for a marriage to thrive when it becomes a battleground where somebody wins and somebody loses.

At its heart, marriage is about compromise and mutual sacrificial love. Don't think you can build a thriving marriage by manipulating your spouse to get your way. You have to tear up the scorecard and focus on loving and serving one another. Think "team": Resolve issues in a way that benefits both of you. If you need help working this out, I invite you to call our staff counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I feel overlooked and unappreciated in my job. I'm surrounded by people with more talent, skill and/or education who get all the attention. It gets pretty discouraging. How can I keep my attitude up?

Jim: I'd say don't look down on yourself; your role may be more important than you think. Let me give you an illustration.

It's fascinating to watch an orchestra in action. You'll see a wide variety of musical instruments played by people who have worked hard to develop their skills. When master conductor Leonard Bernstein was asked once which is the hardest instrument to play, his answer was "second fiddle." He went on to say: "I can get plenty of first violinists. But to find someone who plays second violin with as much enthusiasm -- that's a problem. Yet if we have no second fiddle, we have no harmony."

Bernstein's point is that in this me-first, "personal brand" world filled with people posting promotional selfies, very few are interested in playing "second fiddle." That's even become a derogatory term for people who work hard behind the scenes but receive little credit.

Yet a supporting role is nothing to look down on. The richness and fullness of music comes from the harmonies provided by the entire orchestra. And anybody who truly understands how thriving organizations function will tell you that success can only be achieved when everyone involved makes results the goal instead of recognition.

Maybe you feel insignificant because people around you seem to be more in the forefront. But I encourage you to see yourself in a different light. You bring something to your circle of influence that no one else could -- your uniquely created blend of skills, personality and experience. And something important would be missing without you. I hope you'll find a fulfilling spot, at this job or perhaps a different one, where your value is clearly appreciated and communicated to you and everyone else.

Q: What do my kids really need from me? My wife says I don't pay enough attention to them, but I'm working as hard as I can to provide for my family.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: One of the major responsibilities of being a father is to provide for their family. Kudos to you for that! But children need more than food and a roof over their heads. And some of the things they need are best provided not by a mom but a dad. So what else do kids need from you?

-- Relationship. Children yearn for a loving connection with their father. Research shows that a father's presence helps kids with social adjustment, improves graduation rates, and reduces a child's risk of mental health problems. Yet a lot of dads don't make time for relationship a priority. Time is crucial -- you can't pay attention and listen to someone else without dedicating time to them. So when you're with your children, put down your phone, make eye contact, and hear what's on their hearts.

-- Boundaries and limits. Kids need a dad who is willing to do the hard work of creating boundaries. These help them learn how to navigate emotions, pressures and temptations. Within the context of security and relationship, limits promote respect, trust, growth and self-esteem. Children will test the limits you lay down, but they need them. You'll be much more successful in implementing boundaries if you've taken time to develop a healthy relationship with your kids.

-- Mission, direction and vision. Children build their identity from a very young age. By validating their character, talents and skills, you can help your kids focus their lives and pursue meaning and purpose. That's life transforming for them -- and you.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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