Q: After 20-some years of marriage, my wife and I know each other pretty well -- and I think we have a good relationship. We also each have our respective friends and hobbies to help us maintain our individuality. But we still sense that maybe we're missing something. How can we strengthen our connection?

Jim: When a lot of couples think of building marital intimacy, they imagine candlelit dinners and deep conversation. It's all about opening your hearts to one another and sharing your innermost feelings. Those moments can be powerful and even a necessary connection point for a husband and wife. But there's another kind of intimacy that can be just as beneficial to a couple: social intimacy.

That term is really as simple as it sounds. Social intimacy means you share activities together. Maybe you both enjoy riding bikes, exercising or gardening together. The two of you probably already share a lot of common interests.

But there's another angle to social intimacy that's a bit trickier to navigate. More than likely you'll both have to go beyond your individual comfort zones and agree to do activities that don't matter to you but are important to your spouse.

Maybe your spouse loves going to the symphony, but you don't care for it. Go to the symphony anyway. In some marriages, the wife likes to watch cooking shows and the husband enjoys football. Watch a little of both together. Make a concerted effort to engage in each other's interests, and your intimacy has a good chance of deepening.

That's the heart and soul of social intimacy. It's about more than just "doing stuff together." It's about showing your spouse how much you value them by entering into their world and honoring what's important to them.

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Q: How do I get my kids to listen to me?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: That's a simple expression of a complex question that almost every parent asks regularly. It might even seem like your kids need a hearing test; it appears that they heard you, but there's not much evidence. Things you've asked them to do go undone, their clothes pile up everywhere, they're still yelling and arguing or sneaking their phone when you've told them not to.

What impacts a child's ability to listen? Sometimes a child may not be developmentally ready to process complex commands or questions. Typically, though, when kids don't listen they're usually:

Wanting something -- or their own way -- badly

Distracted

Resentful

Tired

Thinking of other priorities and interests

Unclear of what is being asked or expected

So how can you get your kids to listen?

1. Make sure you have their attention and that they understand what you're talking about. Sometimes we forget to use words that can be understood. We can also tend to give directions while walking away, or while a child is in the middle of doing something else. We need to make sure what we're trying to communicate is being received.

2. Be consistent with boundaries, limits, consequences and communication. If you say, "We're leaving in five minutes" but consistently aren't ready yourself for half an hour, your kids learn to ignore your five-minute warning. If you tell your child to stop doing something or say "no" to something he or she has asked but there's never a consequence for disobedience, your child will learn that your boundary fence is just there for decoration.

3. Model respect, grace and forgiveness. Respect begins with listening. Do your children feel valued, heard and understood?

4. Intentionally celebrate along the way. Find ways to celebrate the loving self-discipline of listening in your home.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My son just graduated from high school and is planning on leaving for college. However -- he has also gotten his girlfriend pregnant. They're both 18, and neither one of them wants to give up the child for adoption. Meanwhile, my husband and I are providing all of our son's financial support, and neither of us knows how he's going to support a baby. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: It's encouraging to hear that your son and his girlfriend have opted to choose life rather than abortion. That's a huge step in the right direction.

As you've pointed out, however, there still remains the question of how this young couple will manage to parent a child at this stage in their lives. Clearly, something will need to be done to address these challenges.

First, your family should contact your local pregnancy resource center. They can offer practical help to your son and his girlfriend as they walk through this difficult time. You can find the center nearest you by visiting the OptionLine website (optionline.org).

According to some experts, early in a pregnancy most teen couples say they aren't interested in the adoption alternative. But as time goes on and they begin to consider what it really means to care for a baby, reality starts to set in. At that point, many teens are willing to take a second look.

Second, don't pressure your son and his girlfriend to decide on adoption right now. If you push them to make a decision about whether or not they will keep the baby, they may react by proudly proclaiming to you and all of their friends that they have definitely made up their minds to become parents. At that point, they will have made a public commitment and it will be a lot harder for them to change course and consider adoption later on.

If they do decide to keep the baby, it's important that you and your husband do not step in and agree to raise the child, pay all the expenses and provide child care. If they tell you they're going to keep the baby, you might say something like this: "Your father and I are proud of you for choosing life for your child. Since you've decided to keep the baby, we don't want to deny you the privilege of being parents in the fullest sense of the word. That means you will be responsible to provide for your child financially. You'll also have to find a way to do all of the caregiving. That's what parenting is all about!"

In connection with this last point, it's worth mentioning that it wouldn't be the end of the world if your son delayed college for a while, got a job and fulfilled the responsibility that he took on when he decided to have sex with his girlfriend. Sometimes parents think that if their child doesn't go to college straight out of high school, he never will. From there they jump to the conclusion that he's "finished." That's simply not the case.

Accepting his responsibility as a father might actually force your son to do a lot of growing up. Obviously, it won't be easy. Still, if he starts college later or goes part-time, it's likely that he'll end up being more committed to his education and get more out of it.

If you'd like to discuss this situation further, call our counseling department for a free consultation. They can be reached at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays, 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (MT).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: As much as I wish that racial tension would diminish in America, it seems like it just won't go away. I'm concerned about the effect this has on my young children. What's your advice?

Jim: Racism has been a stain on our country for generations. And unfortunately, it will never end unless parents take an active role in educating our children about how to treat others with respect.

I encourage you to engage your kids in conversations about different cultures. Talk to them about how other groups of people live their daily lives or how they celebrate holidays. Our children must learn that culture and tradition -- not skin color -- is what makes people act or talk a certain way.

Also, encourage your children to ask questions. Teach them how to have a healthy dialogue about people from different backgrounds. The more they understand the road someone else has walked, the less likely our kids will act judgmentally toward them.

Most important of all, model through your words and actions how to treat people with love and respect, no matter how dark or light the color of their skin may be. Some say that children are "color-blind," but I don't believe that's true. Children easily notice differences, whether it's between boys and girls, or between hairstyles, clothing or the color of skin. But they don't generally interpret those differences as negative unless they're taught to do so. So, conversely, we can and should teach our kids that differences can be positive.

One final thought: Don't be too quick to punish your child that first time you're shocked to hear inappropriate remarks. We don't want to overreact. We just want to turn the problem in the right direction by teaching them the appropriate way to engage the issue of race.

Q: My kids keep talking about the video game Fortnite. It sounds like the "big thing" these days. What do I need to know about it as a parent?

Adam Holz, "Plugged In": Fortnite is indeed a big thing. Since 2017, the free Battle Royale version of this online shooter has been "the" game for many tweens and teens, especially boys. The premise is simple: Players drop onto an island to blast it out against 100 other combatants. It's a third-person shooter that adds a big dose of "Hunger Games"-style warfare -- a fast-paced, last-man-standing competition. Rounds take about 20 minutes as players scramble to locate ammunition, weapons and upgrades to give them the edge.

On the positive side, Fortnite is more cartoony than graphic. Unlike many popular M-rated shooters, there's no blood and gore in this T-rated title. The game also promotes teamwork as friends playing together master tactical strategies.

That said, however, Fortnite is still a shooter. And though it avoids explicit gore, research has repeatedly shown that shooters may correlate with increased aggression, reduced empathy and emotional desensitization in young players.

Another concern is the game's compulsive quality. For some young players, Fortnite can morph into an addictive habit that leads to hours of gameplay if parents don't set firm limits. Additionally, Fortnite's designers at Epic Games have cleverly broken online play into regular "seasons," with each new season offering different variations on the core game, including new unlockable "skins" (which alter players' onscreen appearances) and humorous victory dances (which fans love and imitate). And though the Battle Royale version is technically free, in-game upgrade purchases are available.

Fortnite isn't the worst of the worst in this bullet-blasting genre. But this shooter's format, style and addictive design definitely make it a game that families should approach with caution, conversation and agreed-upon boundaries.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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