parenting

Masculinity Found in Inner Strength

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | June 16th, 2019

Q: For Father's Day, I'm curious -- what would you say is the mark of true masculinity?

Jim: Every man needs to feel like a hero. We're built to be warriors. The trouble is most guys don't feel like they get a chance to use their strength on behalf of their family very often. I mean, how many guys march in from the front yard on a Saturday with their chest puffed out, saying, "I mowed the lawn!" That just doesn't quite hit it.

Maybe that's why so many young men believe they have to prove their manhood through brute strength -- how much weight they can lift or how hard they can punch. That might be what sets the heroes apart in the movies. But in everyday life, inner strength is far more important to true masculinity than outer strength.

A real man lays his life down for his family every single day. Like when a dad plays catch in the front yard even though he's tired from a long day at work. Or when he talks his daughter through her first heartbreak -- even though he'd rather she not grow up at all. Sometimes it's as simple as a husband skipping the ballgame on TV to run an errand to the store for his wife.

Those things may not sound very heroic. But that's because guys usually think masculinity is found in the big things. The truth is it's mostly found in the inner strength that enables a man to serve his wife and kids in the small ways every day.

Q: Our teenaged daughter has a poor body image and a negative view of herself, but she won't talk about it. How do we bring this up without smothering her or alienating her?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Sadly, some of the biggest lies we believe come through the mirror. Many teens you (or your daughter) wouldn't suspect have problems with a negative body image. The deeper issue she's wrestling with is the belief that acceptance and love are based on her appearance. That's a widespread lie presented via social media, advertisements and "filmed perfection."

Teens generally don't respond to forced discussions about emotional or personal issues. Rather than pushing her to share her feelings, the best approach is to consistently and intentionally spend one-on-one time together -- taking walks, eating out, etc.

Your daughter needs to feel safe to share her thoughts and feelings with you -- and this takes time. At some unexpected moment she may spontaneously begin talking about her worries. Roll with it, listen and be ready to clarify: "Help me understand..." Reflect back what she's saying and affirm her concerns: "What I'm hearing you say is ____, is that right?" The more understood she feels, the greater her trust and openness.

If you're genuine and sensitive, there's a good chance she will gradually open up. As she does, resist the urge to fix things. This is a personal journey of finding the truth. I've asked both my teens: "Who gets a vote in saying who you are and why?"

Note that dads play an especially important role; every girl longs to feel loved and cherished by her father. Genuine, consistent, affirming words from Dad go a long way toward reinforcing truth in a young woman. But he should compliment her on her character and unique attributes rather than simply on her looks or achievements. (I love writing encouraging notes to my 14-year-old daughter.)

If you're concerned that your daughter may be at risk for anorexia or bulimia, I encourage you to seek professional help immediately. Our staff counselors can refer you to a qualified therapist in your area; call 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Mother Exhibiting Change in Behavior

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | June 9th, 2019

Q: My aging mother used to be a very positive person, but now she barely speaks to us when we visit her in the nursing home where she's been living for just over a year. Is depression a normal part of the aging process -- and what can we do?

Jim: Our counselors say that, unfortunately, depression can be fairly common among people in your mother's situation and stage of life -- but not "normal." Physical incapacity, increasing dependency, chronic pain, loss and fear of death may trigger the onset of clinical depression, a condition that goes beyond temporary sadness.

Depression should never be considered normal, even late in life. Generally speaking, older people are less likely than younger folks to seek help; many grew up in a time when emotions were kept close to the vest. But stifled emotions can become toxic when allowed to fester.

First, note that certain medications can cause depression as a side effect. Review your mother's medications with her doctor to determine if she's taking anything that could be contributing.

Next, come alongside your mother with prayer and encouragement. Sit with her in dark moments and tell her how much she means to you. Encourage her to reminisce about years gone by. Remembering events and people from the past can help draw her out of her depressed state. Enlist friends, neighbors and family to regularly visit her in the nursing home. Give her things to look forward to by including her in family gatherings where possible.

Finally, engage the help of a professional. Although some older people distrust mental health professionals, early therapeutic treatment is important to prevent more serious problems. Most people who are treated for depression, including seniors, show improvement within a few weeks.

Our counseling staff would be happy to discuss this situation with you over the phone; call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays, 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (MT).

Q: With two young kids in the house, my husband and I are struggling to find opportunities for physical intimacy. It seems every time we're "about to start," so to speak, we get interrupted. What can we do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I think most married couples with children can relate. Sex can be a real challenge when little ones are in the home. You never know who may be tiptoeing just outside the bedroom door.

There are a number of things you can do to keep the spark alive if you're in this stage of life. First, talk with your spouse about your expectations. In general, women tend to be more fearful of being "discovered" by the kids. Spouses need to work together to create an environment that's comfortable for both parties.

Also, think of ways to avoid discovery. Can you put a lock on the bedroom door? Maybe you can dig out that old baby monitor and set it up as a sort of early warning system. You'll probably need to get creative, like scheduling times when the littles can go see a family member or friend. A play date for the kids can provide a "play date" for Mom and Dad.

Still, despite your best efforts, surprise interruptions may occur. Protect your kids' innocence as much as possible. You and your spouse might want to agree on a response beforehand, something like, "After all these years, we still love each other and sometimes get excited to spend time together."

Having kids doesn't mean saying farewell to marital intimacy. In fact, it's critical that you make time for sex, even during the child-rearing years. It's an important part of a healthy marriage.

For more to help your family thrive, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Extended Periods of Relaxation Are Necessary

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | June 2nd, 2019

Q: I know that I should carve out time each year to take my family on vacation. But with a high-stress career and crazy schedules for everybody in the household, it's been several years since we've made it happen. We're just too busy!

Jim: I hear that sort of comment a lot from many people I know. But I encourage you to find a way to have some time off. Your family needs a chance to rest, regroup and have some fun together.

There's an old adage: Nobody ever lays on their deathbed and says, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

It may surprise you to know that Americans collectively forfeit hundreds of millions of vacation days each year! In fact, in a typical year, over half of working Americans leave at least some of their allotted vacation time unused.

I can certainly appreciate that people give various economic reasons for not taking vacations -- especially if travel expenses are involved. But there is another problem as well. From Fortune 500 executives to stay-at-home moms trying to keep an orderly house, many people feel there's too much to do to actually stop working. The unfortunate consequence is that many Americans are making do with little or no time off.

But extended periods of rest and relaxation are not only good, but necessary for our health and future productivity. That's why making time for rest is a principle we're wise to follow.

So take time to recharge. Not everyone can take a two-week vacation to the beaches of Hawaii, but most of us can at least take a few days off a year to rest and refresh ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Q: How can I teach my two-year-old to share his things and be more cooperative, generous and kind when he plays with others? I've been concerned to see how selfish he can be in social situations with other children.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: It's not uncommon for two-year-olds to resist sharing. They're still learning what it means to coexist with others -- especially others wanting the same things they want.

Under normal circumstances, the foundations for healthy, productive interactions with others will be laid at home and in low-key, informal play with friends under your direction. Most children at this age tend to play by themselves or one-on-one rather than in true group activities.

Patience is in short supply at age two, so it takes a while to grasp the idea that something given up now can be retrieved later. And some personality types have a tougher time learning this concept. Be patient and model the behavior you're seeking to teach.

The best strategy at this age usually involves using a distraction of some kind to shift the child's attention to something else. For example, your son might become fixated on a toy truck when he sees another boy playing with it. Manage his hyperfocus on the truck by helping him get another car or interesting toy. If he gets upset, be patient. The goal is to teach your son to deal with uncomfortable emotions and situations in a healthy manner.

You can also demonstrate the concept of taking short turns (five minutes or less) by using a kitchen timer: "Jared can have the truck until the buzzer goes off, and then Alex gets to play with it." This option is especially useful because it gives your child an opportunity to experience sharing, cooperation and taking turns (however reluctantly). By setting boundaries, you're helping him learn these skills early on so that he doesn't run people over in social settings later.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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