parenting

Extended Periods of Relaxation Are Necessary

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | June 2nd, 2019

Q: I know that I should carve out time each year to take my family on vacation. But with a high-stress career and crazy schedules for everybody in the household, it's been several years since we've made it happen. We're just too busy!

Jim: I hear that sort of comment a lot from many people I know. But I encourage you to find a way to have some time off. Your family needs a chance to rest, regroup and have some fun together.

There's an old adage: Nobody ever lays on their deathbed and says, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

It may surprise you to know that Americans collectively forfeit hundreds of millions of vacation days each year! In fact, in a typical year, over half of working Americans leave at least some of their allotted vacation time unused.

I can certainly appreciate that people give various economic reasons for not taking vacations -- especially if travel expenses are involved. But there is another problem as well. From Fortune 500 executives to stay-at-home moms trying to keep an orderly house, many people feel there's too much to do to actually stop working. The unfortunate consequence is that many Americans are making do with little or no time off.

But extended periods of rest and relaxation are not only good, but necessary for our health and future productivity. That's why making time for rest is a principle we're wise to follow.

So take time to recharge. Not everyone can take a two-week vacation to the beaches of Hawaii, but most of us can at least take a few days off a year to rest and refresh ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Q: How can I teach my two-year-old to share his things and be more cooperative, generous and kind when he plays with others? I've been concerned to see how selfish he can be in social situations with other children.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: It's not uncommon for two-year-olds to resist sharing. They're still learning what it means to coexist with others -- especially others wanting the same things they want.

Under normal circumstances, the foundations for healthy, productive interactions with others will be laid at home and in low-key, informal play with friends under your direction. Most children at this age tend to play by themselves or one-on-one rather than in true group activities.

Patience is in short supply at age two, so it takes a while to grasp the idea that something given up now can be retrieved later. And some personality types have a tougher time learning this concept. Be patient and model the behavior you're seeking to teach.

The best strategy at this age usually involves using a distraction of some kind to shift the child's attention to something else. For example, your son might become fixated on a toy truck when he sees another boy playing with it. Manage his hyperfocus on the truck by helping him get another car or interesting toy. If he gets upset, be patient. The goal is to teach your son to deal with uncomfortable emotions and situations in a healthy manner.

You can also demonstrate the concept of taking short turns (five minutes or less) by using a kitchen timer: "Jared can have the truck until the buzzer goes off, and then Alex gets to play with it." This option is especially useful because it gives your child an opportunity to experience sharing, cooperation and taking turns (however reluctantly). By setting boundaries, you're helping him learn these skills early on so that he doesn't run people over in social settings later.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Children Need to Learn From Consequences

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | May 26th, 2019

Q: Probably like most parents, we want our kids to learn and develop good character. We also want to protect them from ever getting hurt. With so much pain in the world, I think it's important to shield our children as much as we can. But how can we do that?

Jim: Actually, the greatest teacher you can invite into your home is consequences. Children will alter their behavior when the pain of their choices causes them to think, "I don't want that to happen again."

But a lot of moms and dads find it hard to let their children struggle. They swoop in and short-circuit the process before the child learns a single lesson. They rescue their child from pain, but they increase the odds that he or she will make the exact same mistake again.

Every parent should understand that there are two forms of pain: hurt and harm. And there is a very real difference between them.

Hurt is normal to life. It's like the soreness you feel when you work a muscle. There's no damage being done, but you can barely get out of bed in the morning.

Harm, on the other hand, indicates something destructive is happening. It's like climbing a mountain or running a marathon with a broken ankle.

We should protect our children from harm, but not necessarily from hurt. Negative consequences don't damage a child, but they do make him reconsider whether his choices were worth the trouble. Hurt is how children learn to make better decisions that will bring about more positive consequences.

As long as your kids' choices only hurt, let them learn from their mistakes whenever possible. The consequences of one poor decision will teach your children more than 1,000 lectures.

Q: Can you give me some tips for communicating with my husband? Sometimes when I want to talk about my day or share something important, he seems to just check out. I can tell he's trying to engage, but after a few minutes it's obvious I've lost him. Help?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: A few things come to mind. First, women seem to easily shift from topic to topic during a conversation. I'm sure this ability originates in the same part of the brain that allows you to multitask so effectively. However, covering multiple topics overwhelms the average man -- that's when our eyes glaze over. Try to finish one thought and topic before moving on to the next.

Also, most men don't realize that women use conversation to explore and organize their thoughts. We guys don't really understand that when you tell a story with details, you're discovering how you feel. Sharing details and the finer points of an experience may help you feel connected with your husband, but you're not speaking his language. Right or wrong, this is why he checks out or interrupts you once he has heard enough or feels overwhelmed by a high word count. So try offering a "diet story" -- meaning that you edit the details or trim back excessive words to keep him engaged in your account.

Finally, most guys are highly sensitive to criticism, implied disrespect or feeling like a failure. If you start a conversation with something like "You didn't..." or "We need to talk!" it emotionally shuts us down. According to research, the first three minutes of a discussion are a very reliable indicator of how things will go. The key is how you initiate the conversation. If your husband feels that your start-up is harsh, he will most likely stay silent, exit the conversation or get angry. A softened start-up -- gentle voice, kind facial expressions, relaxed body language -- goes a long way.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Family Should Take Priority

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | May 19th, 2019

Q: I've had a pretty successful life so far -- solid career, married well, a couple of good kids, nice home, etc. But I don't want to miss anything, so I'm asking other men for their best advice for the next, say, 20 years. What's your take?

Jim: I think the key is to ask yourself: Where do you really find your fulfillment? If it's somewhere other than your wife and kids, you need to rethink your priorities.

Let me share a personal example. I love to play golf. When I was first married, I would often spend four or five hours of the weekend hitting the fairway with my buddies. But when our boys were born, my wife, Jean, came to me and said, "You know, you're spending a lot of time on the golf course over the weekend, while your sons are here at home. Can you find another time to play golf?"

Jean's concern really struck a chord with me. I resolved then and there to devote Saturdays to family time as much as possible. It's a trade-off I was happy to make. I didn't quit golf altogether, but I tried to schedule it during times when Jean and the boys were occupied elsewhere.

Maybe it's not golf for you. Maybe it's another hobby or your career. There's nothing inherently wrong with those things. Men are wired to find fulfillment and satisfaction in a job well done. And it's nice to receive words of affirmation from our teammates or our bosses.

But these things can never take priority over our wives and kids. Investing in our family -- in their own happiness, fulfillment and well-being -- is the most important job in the universe. Nothing else comes close.

Q: The birth of my child was one of the highlights of my life. But in the weeks since I've found myself struggling through a dark valley of depression and emotional exhaustion. Is this normal? What can I do about it?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Your experience is quite normal and extremely common. Between 50 and 80 percent of new moms are affected by a temporary emotional slump commonly known as "baby blues," while about 10 percent suffer from the more severe form known as postpartum depression.

The "baby blues" usually develop during the first week after delivery; symptoms include irritability, tearfulness, anxiety, insomnia, lack of energy, loss of appetite, and difficulty concentrating. This emotional and physical slump typically resolves within two weeks, but I would recommend not ignoring it. Emotional support and practical assistance from your husband, family, and friends are extremely important to any woman suffering from the "baby blues."

Postpartum depression (PPD) is a more serious condition that can arise during the first six months after childbirth and may last for several months. A mother with PPD may be so intensely depressed that she has difficulty caring for her baby, or she may develop extreme unrealistic anxiety over the infant's health. While the problem can resolve itself in time, like any other major depression help is needed. Seek professional assistance if symptoms continue for more than two weeks.

If you feel you might be suffering from PPD, our staff counselors will be happy to discuss your situation with you over the phone; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

A much less common, but far more intensive disturbance described as postpartum psychosis occurs after about one in 1,000 deliveries. The condition may include hallucinations, delusions, suicidal thoughts, and even violent behavior. It should be considered a medical emergency and must be evaluated immediately by a qualified psychiatrist. Thankfully, it can be effectively treated with appropriate medication.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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