Q: Probably like most parents, we want our kids to learn and develop good character. We also want to protect them from ever getting hurt. With so much pain in the world, I think it's important to shield our children as much as we can. But how can we do that?

Jim: Actually, the greatest teacher you can invite into your home is consequences. Children will alter their behavior when the pain of their choices causes them to think, "I don't want that to happen again."

But a lot of moms and dads find it hard to let their children struggle. They swoop in and short-circuit the process before the child learns a single lesson. They rescue their child from pain, but they increase the odds that he or she will make the exact same mistake again.

Every parent should understand that there are two forms of pain: hurt and harm. And there is a very real difference between them.

Hurt is normal to life. It's like the soreness you feel when you work a muscle. There's no damage being done, but you can barely get out of bed in the morning.

Harm, on the other hand, indicates something destructive is happening. It's like climbing a mountain or running a marathon with a broken ankle.

We should protect our children from harm, but not necessarily from hurt. Negative consequences don't damage a child, but they do make him reconsider whether his choices were worth the trouble. Hurt is how children learn to make better decisions that will bring about more positive consequences.

As long as your kids' choices only hurt, let them learn from their mistakes whenever possible. The consequences of one poor decision will teach your children more than 1,000 lectures.

Q: Can you give me some tips for communicating with my husband? Sometimes when I want to talk about my day or share something important, he seems to just check out. I can tell he's trying to engage, but after a few minutes it's obvious I've lost him. Help?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: A few things come to mind. First, women seem to easily shift from topic to topic during a conversation. I'm sure this ability originates in the same part of the brain that allows you to multitask so effectively. However, covering multiple topics overwhelms the average man -- that's when our eyes glaze over. Try to finish one thought and topic before moving on to the next.

Also, most men don't realize that women use conversation to explore and organize their thoughts. We guys don't really understand that when you tell a story with details, you're discovering how you feel. Sharing details and the finer points of an experience may help you feel connected with your husband, but you're not speaking his language. Right or wrong, this is why he checks out or interrupts you once he has heard enough or feels overwhelmed by a high word count. So try offering a "diet story" -- meaning that you edit the details or trim back excessive words to keep him engaged in your account.

Finally, most guys are highly sensitive to criticism, implied disrespect or feeling like a failure. If you start a conversation with something like "You didn't..." or "We need to talk!" it emotionally shuts us down. According to research, the first three minutes of a discussion are a very reliable indicator of how things will go. The key is how you initiate the conversation. If your husband feels that your start-up is harsh, he will most likely stay silent, exit the conversation or get angry. A softened start-up -- gentle voice, kind facial expressions, relaxed body language -- goes a long way.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I've had a pretty successful life so far -- solid career, married well, a couple of good kids, nice home, etc. But I don't want to miss anything, so I'm asking other men for their best advice for the next, say, 20 years. What's your take?

Jim: I think the key is to ask yourself: Where do you really find your fulfillment? If it's somewhere other than your wife and kids, you need to rethink your priorities.

Let me share a personal example. I love to play golf. When I was first married, I would often spend four or five hours of the weekend hitting the fairway with my buddies. But when our boys were born, my wife, Jean, came to me and said, "You know, you're spending a lot of time on the golf course over the weekend, while your sons are here at home. Can you find another time to play golf?"

Jean's concern really struck a chord with me. I resolved then and there to devote Saturdays to family time as much as possible. It's a trade-off I was happy to make. I didn't quit golf altogether, but I tried to schedule it during times when Jean and the boys were occupied elsewhere.

Maybe it's not golf for you. Maybe it's another hobby or your career. There's nothing inherently wrong with those things. Men are wired to find fulfillment and satisfaction in a job well done. And it's nice to receive words of affirmation from our teammates or our bosses.

But these things can never take priority over our wives and kids. Investing in our family -- in their own happiness, fulfillment and well-being -- is the most important job in the universe. Nothing else comes close.

Q: The birth of my child was one of the highlights of my life. But in the weeks since I've found myself struggling through a dark valley of depression and emotional exhaustion. Is this normal? What can I do about it?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Your experience is quite normal and extremely common. Between 50 and 80 percent of new moms are affected by a temporary emotional slump commonly known as "baby blues," while about 10 percent suffer from the more severe form known as postpartum depression.

The "baby blues" usually develop during the first week after delivery; symptoms include irritability, tearfulness, anxiety, insomnia, lack of energy, loss of appetite, and difficulty concentrating. This emotional and physical slump typically resolves within two weeks, but I would recommend not ignoring it. Emotional support and practical assistance from your husband, family, and friends are extremely important to any woman suffering from the "baby blues."

Postpartum depression (PPD) is a more serious condition that can arise during the first six months after childbirth and may last for several months. A mother with PPD may be so intensely depressed that she has difficulty caring for her baby, or she may develop extreme unrealistic anxiety over the infant's health. While the problem can resolve itself in time, like any other major depression help is needed. Seek professional assistance if symptoms continue for more than two weeks.

If you feel you might be suffering from PPD, our staff counselors will be happy to discuss your situation with you over the phone; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

A much less common, but far more intensive disturbance described as postpartum psychosis occurs after about one in 1,000 deliveries. The condition may include hallucinations, delusions, suicidal thoughts, and even violent behavior. It should be considered a medical emergency and must be evaluated immediately by a qualified psychiatrist. Thankfully, it can be effectively treated with appropriate medication.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I love being a mom -- usually. But sometimes I get discouraged in the middle of all the diapers and toddler messes and wonder if anything I do now will really matter when my little ones are all grown up.

Jim: Let me ask this: If someone called you a "ditch digger," how would you react? Before you answer, let me tell you a story.

There's an ancient tale about an army who found themselves without water in the middle of the desert. They were promised divine intervention, but to receive it, their faith had to be tested. They were told the rain would come, if they first dug ditches to hold it all. Believing you'll see rain when you're baking in the sun under a cloudless sky can be tough.

Maybe you can relate. After all, it's the same challenge facing the mothers of young children. Raising kids to have character is a lot of work, and the payoff isn't always immediately obvious. Moms pour their energy into feeding and bath times, dealing with never-ending piles of laundry and breaking up sibling squabbles. At the end of the day, many mothers wonder if they've made a difference in their kids' lives at all.

So I hope you'll take heart. The investment of time and energy you're putting into your children will pay off one day. You're showing your kids they're loved and cared for, and day by day you're giving them the tools they need to thrive.

So keep at it. The rains of maturity and character will come. For now, you're digging the ditches those precious children will need to hold it all.

For encouragement and parenting tips, see FocusOnThefamily.com.

Q: I struggle sometimes with how different my wife and I are. Don't get me wrong; we love each other. It's just that the longer we're married, the more we see that we're not like each other. What can we do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Your marriage is made up of both strengths and growth areas, especially because of the personality differences you each bring to the union. Notice that I call them "growth areas," because that's just what they are -- not weaknesses, but opportunities for growth.

Typically, as humans we tend to focus on what we lack versus what we already have. Even in our marriage relationships, we tend to focus on what's not going right instead of what is. The strongest marriages that stand the test of time are often made up of partners who focus on their strengths.

So what are the strengths in your marriage? Another way to ask this is to consider, "What do we do well as a couple?" Are you great financial planners? Do both of you play musical instruments? Perhaps you enjoy taking walks, going hiking or playing sports together. Do you excel at remodeling an older home, together making all the decisions about fixtures, floor plan, landscaping, and tile? Figure out what you can do as a team that makes you both feel energized and maximizes your giftedness as a couple -- and then do more of it!

Think about the last time you really laughed together, had fun together and enjoyed each other. When was the last time you went on a date? What were you doing?

Your marriage is a unique combination of strengths and growth areas. Embrace both, but always focus on your strengths! Your differences -- personality, gender and otherwise -- can bring a beautiful balance in your relationship. As you understand yourself better, and also seek to understand who your spouse has been uniquely created to be, you can learn to deal with differences. For helpful resources, including a free relationship assessment, see focusonthefamily.com/marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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