Q: My wife and I are examples of opposites attract. We hold different social and spiritual beliefs but still really love each other. Now we're expecting our first child. We plan on showing her both our perspectives as she grows so she'll be well-rounded. That's a healthy approach, right?

Jim: When it comes to values in the home, many parents underestimate just how important it is to be on the same page with one another. If you think it's tough for adults to handle the emotion of conflicting viewpoints, it's even worse for kids.

Picture it this way: Have you ever seen one of those circus performers who rides into the arena standing atop two horses, one under each foot? That stunt only works as long as both horses remain side by side. But what happens if either horse angles even slightly in a different direction? The person on top will come tumbling down, or he'll have to choose one horse or the other to keep his footing.

It's the same dilemma in many homes. When parents hold conflicting values, it's as if the horses underneath the child are splitting into different directions. That's a no-win situation. No matter what the child does, he or she will be crossing one of their parents and will feel caught in the middle of their disagreement. That's a very stressful situation and a heavy burden for a child to bear. It'll make life seem unstable and scary. And when kids feel scared, you can bet it'll show up through negative behavior.

So get on the same page with your spouse -- if not for peace in your marriage, then certainly for the sake of your child. For time-tested life principles to help your household thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: After years of marriage, it seems like everything my wife does or says drives me crazy. I still love her. But from the way she squeezes the toothpaste to how she talks on the phone or her latest cooking fad, I just find myself getting irritated. I know I shouldn't be this way. What can I do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: If you find that you're only able to notice negative things about your spouse, marriage or anyone for that matter, you can be almost 99.9 percent sure you're "under the influence" of negative beliefs. When all you see is the weaknesses of your spouse's personality, you are heading down a dangerous pathway.

Psychologists call this tendency "confirmation bias." It basically means that whatever you're looking for in someone's behavior (your bias) is exactly what you'll notice (your confirmation). In essence, that person is powerless against your beliefs because -- you guessed it -- they can't control you or your thoughts.

You must fight these nasty beliefs in any relationship, but especially in your marriage. You can do this best by adopting an "I could be wrong" attitude and giving your wife the benefit of the doubt. Basically this means having a perspective that leaves room for the possibility that you've misinterpreted some irritating behavior you notice in your mate. You can work toward conquering negativity by giving your spouse the gift of believing the best about her and her intentions. After all, isn't that what you'd want her to do for you?

One practical way to jump-start this process is to write a list of every reason you love your wife and what drew you to her originally. When you find yourself getting irritated, step away and read through the list. Repeat as necessary. And try to find at least one new positive thing each week to add to the list. Keep it going and growing to help refocus your perspective.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Without mentioning my exact age, let's just say I fear I've wasted too much time and will never achieve anything worthwhile. I could use some encouragement to get past this midlife crisis, so what's your take?

Jim: Maybe you're in your 30s or 40s, or even in your 50s. No matter your age, instead of giving up, it's a perfect time to move forward. The best may be yet to come.

Many notable figures achieved their greatest work late in life. Consider Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of the "Little House on the Prairie" series; her first book wasn't published until she was 65 and the last when she was 76. Ray Kroc was in his 50s when he franchised his first McDonald's restaurant. "Colonel" Harlan Sanders founded the Kentucky Fried Chicken company at age 62.

Julia Hawkins started bicycling in her 80s, then took up running at age 100. In 2017, at the sprightly mark of 101, she set the centenarian 100-meter dash world record by sprinting the distance in 40 seconds.

Then there's Anna Moses. As a 76-year-old widow, arthritis finally forced her to give up her hobby of embroidery -- so she picked up a paintbrush. By the time she died at 101, "Grandma" Moses had produced more than 1,500 paintings and become one of the most celebrated artists in American history.

It can be discouraging to know your young(er) adult years have slipped by without achieving goals important to you. But why not live all of your life? Some people take a little longer to find their true passion and to develop the skills and confidence necessary to achieve their dreams. So don't give up! It's never too late to learn -- and try -- something new. You just might find your niche in the process.

Q: My biggest frustration as a parent is getting my kids to behave. How can I discipline my children most effectively?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: First, understand that discipline is not about punishment. It's about learning, correction and modeling. It requires lots of energy and patience, but that doesn't mean "absorb or tolerate until you pop."

There's not one perfect type of discipline that works for all kids; each child has different needs as they mature and learn. Here are four things to remember as you consider parental discipline.

1. Know what you're you trying to teach and why. What does your child need to learn? What is the moment like from his perspective? How can you teach her to make better decisions? Include these traits in your parenting tool belt: love, respect, boundaries and limits, grace and forgiveness, gratitude, intentionality and adaptability.

2. Empty threats create more work later. I've heard parents say, "If you don't come by the time I count to three, I'll..." Too often they: a) either never follow through, or b) completely overreact. The child, then, becomes focused on getting away with as much as possible until his parents lose their cool.

3. Your child should learn to distinguish "wants" from "needs." Kids need air, food, water and shelter. A smartphone may be presented to you as a need. It's not, so it's OK to say no.

4. When possible, use "could" instead of "should." Most kids see "should" as controlling ("You should stop that now"). "Could," on the other hand, is a word brimming with possibility. For example, say: "You could choose to obey the time limit for playing on the phone that we agreed on and have further opportunities to play later. Or you could disobey and lose the privilege until you regain the trust necessary to have it back." Make sure to define what "regaining trust" will look like.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: How can I overcome the bitterness I have about the way my parents treated me growing up? After all these years, I continue to struggle with negative feelings about my mother and father. I remember only their harsh criticism, dysfunctional parenting and unloving attitude. I especially don't want these memories to affect my relationship with my own kids.

Jim: According to our staff counselors, the struggle you're facing is probably more common than you'd think. Many people who were wounded as children by their parents' attitudes, words and actions end up carrying around a great deal of anger and bitterness. You've taken an important first step in the right direction by recognizing that you need to deal with these emotions.

In the long run, feelings of bitterness only harm the person who harbors them, not the one who inflicted the pain in the first place. You're also correct in being concerned that the resentment you feel toward your parents could have a negative impact on your relationship with your own children, particularly during the teen years. It's best to resolve this internal struggle before it begins to affect the rest of your family.

While it may sound cliche, the best way you can do this is by learning and choosing to forgive. Ultimately, it's not about your parents -- it's about facilitating your own personal healing. Note that forgiving and loving someone is an act of the will, not the emotions. You may never experience warm and tender feelings toward your mom and dad. But you can choose to love them unconditionally. (As a Christian, I believe there's a critical spiritual component to this.) And you won't be able to move ahead with your own life until you give up your right to be angry at them for making your childhood miserable.

If your parents are still living, you may want to consider setting up a time to meet with them to discuss your feelings. Of course, there may be some situations where this wouldn't be advisable -- use discretion. If your spouse is supportive, it would be a good idea to bring them along. Tell your mom and dad how much they've hurt you and how the memory of their words and actions continues to cause you pain. Keep your emotions under control, but be straightforward and honest. Explain that your purpose is not to hurt them in return, but to find release from the negative effects of your memories. This will take a tremendous amount of courage on your part, but it can be an important part of gaining the freedom you're seeking.

Finally, try to develop some empathy for your parents. Ask yourself what it was about their personal backgrounds that made them treat you the way they did. Find out what their childhoods were like. It's likely that they, too, grew up with harsh, unloving parents -- that you're just on the receiving end of a problem that spans several generations. If you have a chance to talk with them, try to ask some carefully considered questions about their past. If they're no longer living, you may be able to locate a member of the extended family who can provide you with the insights you need. A deeper understanding of your parents' backgrounds and motives can give you a broader perspective on their behavior. This certainly won't excuse the mistreatment you received at their hands, but it may help you release some of your bitterness.

As you begin to work your way through this process, you may find yourself in need of some outside assistance. Our staff counselors would be happy to help; feel free to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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