parenting

People Find Their True Passions at Various Ages

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | April 7th, 2019

Q: Without mentioning my exact age, let's just say I fear I've wasted too much time and will never achieve anything worthwhile. I could use some encouragement to get past this midlife crisis, so what's your take?

Jim: Maybe you're in your 30s or 40s, or even in your 50s. No matter your age, instead of giving up, it's a perfect time to move forward. The best may be yet to come.

Many notable figures achieved their greatest work late in life. Consider Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of the "Little House on the Prairie" series; her first book wasn't published until she was 65 and the last when she was 76. Ray Kroc was in his 50s when he franchised his first McDonald's restaurant. "Colonel" Harlan Sanders founded the Kentucky Fried Chicken company at age 62.

Julia Hawkins started bicycling in her 80s, then took up running at age 100. In 2017, at the sprightly mark of 101, she set the centenarian 100-meter dash world record by sprinting the distance in 40 seconds.

Then there's Anna Moses. As a 76-year-old widow, arthritis finally forced her to give up her hobby of embroidery -- so she picked up a paintbrush. By the time she died at 101, "Grandma" Moses had produced more than 1,500 paintings and become one of the most celebrated artists in American history.

It can be discouraging to know your young(er) adult years have slipped by without achieving goals important to you. But why not live all of your life? Some people take a little longer to find their true passion and to develop the skills and confidence necessary to achieve their dreams. So don't give up! It's never too late to learn -- and try -- something new. You just might find your niche in the process.

Q: My biggest frustration as a parent is getting my kids to behave. How can I discipline my children most effectively?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: First, understand that discipline is not about punishment. It's about learning, correction and modeling. It requires lots of energy and patience, but that doesn't mean "absorb or tolerate until you pop."

There's not one perfect type of discipline that works for all kids; each child has different needs as they mature and learn. Here are four things to remember as you consider parental discipline.

1. Know what you're you trying to teach and why. What does your child need to learn? What is the moment like from his perspective? How can you teach her to make better decisions? Include these traits in your parenting tool belt: love, respect, boundaries and limits, grace and forgiveness, gratitude, intentionality and adaptability.

2. Empty threats create more work later. I've heard parents say, "If you don't come by the time I count to three, I'll..." Too often they: a) either never follow through, or b) completely overreact. The child, then, becomes focused on getting away with as much as possible until his parents lose their cool.

3. Your child should learn to distinguish "wants" from "needs." Kids need air, food, water and shelter. A smartphone may be presented to you as a need. It's not, so it's OK to say no.

4. When possible, use "could" instead of "should." Most kids see "should" as controlling ("You should stop that now"). "Could," on the other hand, is a word brimming with possibility. For example, say: "You could choose to obey the time limit for playing on the phone that we agreed on and have further opportunities to play later. Or you could disobey and lose the privilege until you regain the trust necessary to have it back." Make sure to define what "regaining trust" will look like.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Pain of Dysfunctional Childhood Can Last Into Adulthood

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | March 31st, 2019

Q: How can I overcome the bitterness I have about the way my parents treated me growing up? After all these years, I continue to struggle with negative feelings about my mother and father. I remember only their harsh criticism, dysfunctional parenting and unloving attitude. I especially don't want these memories to affect my relationship with my own kids.

Jim: According to our staff counselors, the struggle you're facing is probably more common than you'd think. Many people who were wounded as children by their parents' attitudes, words and actions end up carrying around a great deal of anger and bitterness. You've taken an important first step in the right direction by recognizing that you need to deal with these emotions.

In the long run, feelings of bitterness only harm the person who harbors them, not the one who inflicted the pain in the first place. You're also correct in being concerned that the resentment you feel toward your parents could have a negative impact on your relationship with your own children, particularly during the teen years. It's best to resolve this internal struggle before it begins to affect the rest of your family.

While it may sound cliche, the best way you can do this is by learning and choosing to forgive. Ultimately, it's not about your parents -- it's about facilitating your own personal healing. Note that forgiving and loving someone is an act of the will, not the emotions. You may never experience warm and tender feelings toward your mom and dad. But you can choose to love them unconditionally. (As a Christian, I believe there's a critical spiritual component to this.) And you won't be able to move ahead with your own life until you give up your right to be angry at them for making your childhood miserable.

If your parents are still living, you may want to consider setting up a time to meet with them to discuss your feelings. Of course, there may be some situations where this wouldn't be advisable -- use discretion. If your spouse is supportive, it would be a good idea to bring them along. Tell your mom and dad how much they've hurt you and how the memory of their words and actions continues to cause you pain. Keep your emotions under control, but be straightforward and honest. Explain that your purpose is not to hurt them in return, but to find release from the negative effects of your memories. This will take a tremendous amount of courage on your part, but it can be an important part of gaining the freedom you're seeking.

Finally, try to develop some empathy for your parents. Ask yourself what it was about their personal backgrounds that made them treat you the way they did. Find out what their childhoods were like. It's likely that they, too, grew up with harsh, unloving parents -- that you're just on the receiving end of a problem that spans several generations. If you have a chance to talk with them, try to ask some carefully considered questions about their past. If they're no longer living, you may be able to locate a member of the extended family who can provide you with the insights you need. A deeper understanding of your parents' backgrounds and motives can give you a broader perspective on their behavior. This certainly won't excuse the mistreatment you received at their hands, but it may help you release some of your bitterness.

As you begin to work your way through this process, you may find yourself in need of some outside assistance. Our staff counselors would be happy to help; feel free to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Young Couple Can't Find Time for a 'Date Night'

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | March 24th, 2019

Q: With two young children in the house, my husband and I can barely remember "life before kids." I mean, I wouldn't trade our little ones for anything, but sometimes it's hard to find even two minutes for a meaningful adult conversation, much less an actual date night. How does a couple get a break from the kids to reconnect?

Jim: Most couples understand the importance of one-on-one time. But making it happen can be difficult.

For many young families, money is often a factor. It's not uncommon for new parents to be on a limited budget; the expenses of diapers, food and clothing can really pack a wallop. Just remember, an occasional dinner out (even if it's a burger and fries) is better than none at all. Still, when money is tight, try this: Put the kids to bed early, throw a pizza in the oven and enjoy a movie. Time together doesn't have to be expensive.

Another concern for many parents is trusting their children to baby sitters. Those first few times can be nerve-racking. If you're fortunate enough to have Grandma and Grandpa living nearby, they're probably itching to spend time with the grandkids anyway. But if they aren't available, consider asking trusted friends to watch your kids, or maybe trade baby-sitting with parents you know. The more time you spend with other families -- play dates, group outings, etc. -- the easier it can be transitioning to watching one another's children.

Here's another idea: Have a sitter watch your child in another room while you and your spouse enjoy dinner and a movie in the living room. Doing this a few times can work toward a level of mutual trust and comfort that can allow you to actually leave the house.

You'll probably need to get creative, but with some strategic effort, you can find opportunities to be a couple again.

Q: I can't understand why my wife is so resistant to good advice. I try to politely make reasonable suggestions when I think she could use some help making decisions, but it usually doesn't go over well. Am I missing something?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Ideally, husbands and wives should be able to offer each other advice in ways that strengthen their relationship. But for most of us, that's often not reality.

It can be tough for spouses to accept correction from one another, even if it's wise counsel. Here are some tips to help avoid the baggage that often accompanies advice-giving.

First, keep in mind that unsolicited advice can be hard to swallow. Before you speak, ask your wife if she's open to hearing what you have to say. Then be careful to share your thoughts in a tone that will help her feel loved and cared for.

Second, check your motives. Take a moment to assess how you're feeling toward your spouse and why you want to give advice. If you're a little angry and want to push a few buttons, it's probably best to stay silent for the time being. Share your thoughts some other time when you're more in control of your emotions.

Finally, create an environment where it's safe for advice to be shared and received. You can build safety in your relationship by encouraging each other daily, building each other up, and nurturing each other in ways that are honoring and loving. Never give advice in a tone or manner that demeans or insults your spouse.

In a marriage that's sustained by love and encouragement, mutual advice-giving can become a positive and enriching part of daily life. I pray that's the case for you.

You'll find lots more information to help your marriage thrive at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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