Q: My mom is in her late 80s and needs assisted living care, but her assets are insufficient to cover the cost. My older sister and I are tightening our belts to help out. Our other (younger) sister and her husband say they can't contribute due to lack of financial resources. But they both have good jobs and healthy incomes. They buy expensive cars and go on extravagant annual vacations (which they have sometimes invited us to join). Meanwhile, we're helping out willingly but at great sacrifice. It's hard not to feel resentful. What should we do?

Jim: Much depends upon the relational dynamics within your family. Are you on good terms with the sister who isn't contributing to your mother's upkeep? (Since she's invited you to go on their vacations, that sounds fairly positive.) If so, you need to start talking about this.

It would probably be a good idea to bring all three sisters together for an honest conversation. Tell your younger sister what you're thinking and feeling and solicit her honest feedback. If you need help covering the cost of your mother's care, come right out and say so. It's best if all of you could sit down together and hash this out face to face. Only then will you be able to start cooperating as a team.

But if the relationship isn't conducive to this kind of healthy dialogue, you may have no choice except to resign yourself to the situation as it is. You can't control your sibling or tell her what to do, even when you think it's the right thing. You can only try to set a good example by doing what you believe to be right. If your sister would rather have new cars and exotic vacations, that's her choice. She's missing out on an important life experience in terms of accepting responsibility and honoring your mother -- but there probably isn't much you can do to convince her of that. She'll have to find it out for herself.

Q: How can I deal with my shortcomings as a parent? I love my family dearly and do my best, but I feel like I make a lot of mistakes with my kids.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Parenting has a way of sometimes highlighting our imperfections. Thankfully, being a good parent doesn't mean having to be a perfect parent. In fact, true success in parenting is about how you learn from and respond to the mistakes you inevitably will make.

When imperfection happens, I have learned to ask myself four key questions:

1. What happened (from both my perspective and my child's)?

2. What can I learn from what happened?

3. What will I do differently next time?

4. What's my next move to reconnect with my child and move forward?

As I've worked through these questions in specific parenting situations, I've also developed more and more empathy and understanding for other parents -- including my own.

Along the way, I've had plenty of opportunities to continue learning grace, forgiveness, humility, love and patience through my role as an imperfect dad. Even though we can drive each other nuts sometimes, as a family we've also come to understand one another at a very deep level, and that fosters genuine empathy and connection within our home.

You can become a better parent by taking advantage of specific parenting tools (like our organization's 7 Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment, which you can find at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting). Find out where your strengths lie and maximize those. Learn what your weaknesses are and work to shore those up. And, as should be the case in every area of life, be ready to apologize and repair when needed.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Some friends of ours recently suffered a miscarriage. We want to encourage them, but we're not sure what to say or do. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: Did you know that between 15 and 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage? With numbers that high, even if we never suffer the loss of a child ourselves, we probably know someone who will. And, yet, many people don't really understand how to come alongside a loved one who has experienced such a loss.

Author Dr. Teske Drake says the first step is to recognize that grief from a miscarriage can linger for months -- even years. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for family and friends to move on well before the couple does.

Next, be careful not to minimize people's experience. Avoid all the cliches that start with the phrase "At least ..." In other words, don't say, "At least your pregnancy only lasted six weeks." Or, "At least the baby is in a better place." Even if those things are true, they minimize the couple's loss. And comments like that never really help people endure the pain they're suffering.

And remember this important point: Husbands often struggle, too. They tend to get overlooked because most of the attention is directed toward the mother. But dads need comfort in their time of loss as well.

So if someone you know suffers a miscarriage, be sensitive. Couples who lose a child often feel like they've been stripped of their hopes and dreams. They need the long-term support of family and friends to process their loss and eventually move forward.

And for couples who have lost a child, we have resources to help -- including caring counselors who are happy to listen and offer insight; see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My new husband and I are excited about starting married life together. We have big plans for the next few years -- careers, starting a family, etc. -- but we also know we need to be realistic. Do you have any advice for prioritizing?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: It's pretty common for young couples to want it all -- a family and career success. And that's not necessarily bad. More than anything, though, remember this: how you handle opportunities that come your way over the next few years will either benefit your family or harm it.

Let's say your spouse is up for a big promotion, but it will require your family to relocate to another state. How will that impact your career? How will it impact your children? Those are big decisions. As you work through them, keep a few things in mind.

First, complement each other. Note the difference: "compliment" (with an I) means "say nice things to and about each other." And that's important to do. But "complement" (with an E) means "work together as a team." Channel your competitiveness into your career, not your family. You and your spouse both bring something to the table that can help you decide how to best move forward.

Second, be flexible. Your responsibilities at home and at work will shift over time as the needs of your family change. Be willing to adapt.

Third, and most important of all, let the health of your marriage guide every decision you make. Career goals and a bigger earning potential are important considerations. But more zeroes on your paycheck won't improve a bad marriage.

Even if you've been married for a while, a healthy balance between your career and your family begins with the decisions you make today. Achieve all you can at work, but keep the health of your family a bigger priority.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our son and his wife have been married less than a year. Two months ago, his job was downsized, and they're starting to experience some real financial struggles while he looks for work. We have the means to help them, and are happy to, but we also want to avoid them becoming (or feeling) dependent on us. What do you suggest?

Jim: Your willingness to assist is encouraging, but I also think you're wise to do it carefully. There are several basic points to keep in mind.

First, be helpful in a way that doesn't dramatically change your son and daughter-in-law's lifestyle. Feel free to help occasionally with the cost of necessary items, like groceries or the electric bill. But don't shower them with luxuries. And especially don't offer monthly support. Routinely handing over money may ease a temporary need, but in the long run it's the surest way for your child to become overly reliant on you.

Next, offer assistance with no strings attached. A gift should be just that -- a gift, not an attempt (intended or perceived) to control your child's behavior. Don't use money as a way to get more phone calls or visits during the holidays. And don't give with a list of restrictions for how you expect them to spend the money. In the end, your kids may feel manipulated, and it could damage your relationship. So if you give, do it without strings attached.

Finally, respect your child's home and relationship. Don't undermine their desire to provide for themselves. And your support shouldn't cause (or amplify) conflict in their marriage.

Remember, the challenge is to balance your desire to help with what's best for your son and daughter-in-law's long-term well-being, as well as to protect your relationship along the way.

Q: How can I help my child care for others, not just herself? I've noticed she can be very sweet to friends when there's something in it for her, but she can treat them poorly when they don't have much to offer.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: It sounds like your daughter is more of a consumer than a connector.

Consumers of people approach others with the question, "What do you have for me?" Their relationships usually aren't very stable, and they are much more likely to be critical of others. Consumers are poor listeners. They expect others to earn their love and thus have shallow relationships.

On the other hand, connectors begin with the question, "What do you need from me?" Connectors listen well, value people just for who they are and want what's best for others. They tend to be encouragers and have more deeply rooted relationships.

The great news is that your daughter can learn to be a connector. Consider these as you model connection:

1. Listen first. Our minds are often distracted with our own cares and concerns. Pause to really hear what the other person is saying.

2. Be generous. Generosity isn't about giving money. You can be generous with your time or even smiles. It's especially important that we be generous with authentic, kind words.

3. Genuinely care. Ask questions, follow up, write a warm note and model how to care about other people. I know my kids love it when I follow up on something that was important to them. They appreciate that I cared enough to listen and remember.

4. Gain perspective. Many times we only care to look at things from our own viewpoint. Take time to see things from another perspective.

The world is full of consumers and people craving to be noticed. It desperately needs genuine, loving connectors. Look for ways to make and savor memorable connections in your family.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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