Q: Our son and his wife have been married less than a year. Two months ago, his job was downsized, and they're starting to experience some real financial struggles while he looks for work. We have the means to help them, and are happy to, but we also want to avoid them becoming (or feeling) dependent on us. What do you suggest?

Jim: Your willingness to assist is encouraging, but I also think you're wise to do it carefully. There are several basic points to keep in mind.

First, be helpful in a way that doesn't dramatically change your son and daughter-in-law's lifestyle. Feel free to help occasionally with the cost of necessary items, like groceries or the electric bill. But don't shower them with luxuries. And especially don't offer monthly support. Routinely handing over money may ease a temporary need, but in the long run it's the surest way for your child to become overly reliant on you.

Next, offer assistance with no strings attached. A gift should be just that -- a gift, not an attempt (intended or perceived) to control your child's behavior. Don't use money as a way to get more phone calls or visits during the holidays. And don't give with a list of restrictions for how you expect them to spend the money. In the end, your kids may feel manipulated, and it could damage your relationship. So if you give, do it without strings attached.

Finally, respect your child's home and relationship. Don't undermine their desire to provide for themselves. And your support shouldn't cause (or amplify) conflict in their marriage.

Remember, the challenge is to balance your desire to help with what's best for your son and daughter-in-law's long-term well-being, as well as to protect your relationship along the way.

Q: How can I help my child care for others, not just herself? I've noticed she can be very sweet to friends when there's something in it for her, but she can treat them poorly when they don't have much to offer.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: It sounds like your daughter is more of a consumer than a connector.

Consumers of people approach others with the question, "What do you have for me?" Their relationships usually aren't very stable, and they are much more likely to be critical of others. Consumers are poor listeners. They expect others to earn their love and thus have shallow relationships.

On the other hand, connectors begin with the question, "What do you need from me?" Connectors listen well, value people just for who they are and want what's best for others. They tend to be encouragers and have more deeply rooted relationships.

The great news is that your daughter can learn to be a connector. Consider these as you model connection:

1. Listen first. Our minds are often distracted with our own cares and concerns. Pause to really hear what the other person is saying.

2. Be generous. Generosity isn't about giving money. You can be generous with your time or even smiles. It's especially important that we be generous with authentic, kind words.

3. Genuinely care. Ask questions, follow up, write a warm note and model how to care about other people. I know my kids love it when I follow up on something that was important to them. They appreciate that I cared enough to listen and remember.

4. Gain perspective. Many times we only care to look at things from our own viewpoint. Take time to see things from another perspective.

The world is full of consumers and people craving to be noticed. It desperately needs genuine, loving connectors. Look for ways to make and savor memorable connections in your family.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My husband and I have four kids, ranging in age from 8 to 2 months. Our youngest son was born with Down syndrome. We're doing our best to adjust as a family. But I'm concerned about the impact this might have on our older three children.

Jim: When a family has a child with special needs, everyone in the household is affected. But you also have the opportunity to learn love, show empathy and practice compassion in ways others might not. And you're discovering firsthand that the value of life isn't based on a person's physical or mental condition -- it's ascribed by God and inherent to every human being.

Our counselors suggest several things to keep in mind. First, like all parenting situations, you set the tone in your household. So intentionally create an environment where older children can identify and safely express their feelings. It's normal to feel sadness, disappointment and even anger at times -- and you must model a healthy balance with your own emotions.

Also, communicate value to each child. Realistically, you'll spend a lot of time tending to the needs of your youngest. But don't shortchange the others. While you may not always be able to give every child equal amounts of your time and energy, be intentional about activities that are important to each.

Third, don't make your other kids "caretakers" of the child with special needs. Older children can have an age-appropriate and valuable role in caring for younger siblings. But they also need the freedom to still be kids.

Finally, remember that a child with special needs is part of the family -- not the family. Don't be afraid to find a caregiver for the evening so the rest of you can take a break for an outing. And where possible, apply equal behavioral standards to all of your children. That gives them a sense of being treated fairly and encourages the one with special needs to develop self-control. Rules that apply to all help everyone feel they're on the same team.

Our counseling staff can offer further help and insight; feel free to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My spouse and I love each other. Still, sometimes we really grate on each other's nerves. If one of us even accidentally does something that irritates the other, things get tense for a while. We both hate that. How do we maintain a healthy balance?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I heard a great story that illustrates a key point about grace and understanding. A family was sitting down to dinner. As Mom set the table, everything looked delicious -- until the kids noticed the biscuits were badly burnt. The weary mother apologized. But the father simply smiled at his wife, slathered the hockey pucks with some butter and ate without complaining. He even said aloud, "I love a burned biscuit now and again."

Later, one of his kids asked why he hadn't thrown the nearly inedible biscuits away. Dad replied, "Your mom had a long, hard day at work. And she's far more important to me than whether or not the food was a little charred."

Much of having a successful marriage is learning how to be patient with imperfection. After all, each of us is prone to mistakes -- and we can all use a smile instead of judgment when things aren't going well. A little grace can defuse a lot of conflict. In fact, many arguments might never get started in the first place if couples offered each other their support rather than anger.

So if your marriage serves you a burned biscuit, slather it with some love, understanding and grace. It'll make that minor inconvenience a lot easier to swallow.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My husband and I both feel like our marriage is over, and we're ready to divorce. But we agreed to wait until after Christmas because we didn't want to ruin the holidays for the rest of our family. Part of me still wishes we could work things out. What should I do?

Jim: Some lawyers refer to January as the "divorce month" because of the spike in business this time of year. It turns out many couples who are thinking of divorce do just what you are considering. They don't want litigation to cloud the season for everyone else, so they muddle through until the new year rolls around. Once it does, they're ready to do something about their broken relationship.

Well, I agree that it IS time for you to do something about your marriage. But instead of divorce, why not put rescuing your marriage at the top of your "goals for the new year" list? Repairing what's broken probably won't be easy, but it'll be worth it. Research shows conclusively that the majority of individuals who stay married and work through their differences are happier a few years later than those who divorce.

Contrary to what many people believe, divorce isn't an easy way out. It's emotionally traumatic for everyone involved, no matter what time of year it happens.

Now that the Christmas tree has been taken down, give your marriage another chance. You and your spouse have a great opportunity to chart a different course through life together. We have many resources to help, including our Hope Restored marriage intensives that have an excellent success rate of saving marriages on the brink of divorce. For more information, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I've been thinking about my family's entertainment habits, and I think it's time to set some concrete standards. I'm just not sure how to go about it. As a business leader, I'm used to laying out a strategic plan for everyone to follow -- but at home, it's a different ballgame. Do you have any suggestions?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: I believe the answer to "concrete standards" regarding your family entertainment habits is fourfold. What I'm about to suggest is probably similar to the workplace "standards" you're already implementing -- just with some twists with children in mind.

-- Get on the same page. Let's say you and your spouse disagree as to whether or not your kids can play first-person-shooter video games. You'll have to come up with a compromise before one of you sets forth a house rule and the other undermines it.

-- Guidelines should be principle-based, not product-specific. I recommend having a "rule" that says, "As a person in this family, we pledge to watch movies that uplift, build up and encourage us," rather than, "No R-rated films ever."

-- Put your guidelines in writing. As my family did when our two children were roughly 12 and 9, I suggest you put your family's media commitments in writing -- then sign it and post it where all can see. Your children may wish to put handwritten pledges or unique ratifications in the margins to make the covenant more personal. The power of this pledge isn't in having more rules, nor the fanciness of the frame it's displayed in. It's in the accountability it brings, and the reminder it provides.

-- Talk regularly about making wise entertainment choices. Don't assume that once you have written media guidelines, your work as a parent is done. Far from it. Because entertainment is so HUGE with kids these days, I suggest you regularly discuss what's hot, what's not, what's in bounds and what's out, what their friends are into, and the technological gizmos that usher it into their lives daily.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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