Q: My husband and I have four kids, ranging in age from 8 to 2 months. Our youngest son was born with Down syndrome. We're doing our best to adjust as a family. But I'm concerned about the impact this might have on our older three children.

Jim: When a family has a child with special needs, everyone in the household is affected. But you also have the opportunity to learn love, show empathy and practice compassion in ways others might not. And you're discovering firsthand that the value of life isn't based on a person's physical or mental condition -- it's ascribed by God and inherent to every human being.

Our counselors suggest several things to keep in mind. First, like all parenting situations, you set the tone in your household. So intentionally create an environment where older children can identify and safely express their feelings. It's normal to feel sadness, disappointment and even anger at times -- and you must model a healthy balance with your own emotions.

Also, communicate value to each child. Realistically, you'll spend a lot of time tending to the needs of your youngest. But don't shortchange the others. While you may not always be able to give every child equal amounts of your time and energy, be intentional about activities that are important to each.

Third, don't make your other kids "caretakers" of the child with special needs. Older children can have an age-appropriate and valuable role in caring for younger siblings. But they also need the freedom to still be kids.

Finally, remember that a child with special needs is part of the family -- not the family. Don't be afraid to find a caregiver for the evening so the rest of you can take a break for an outing. And where possible, apply equal behavioral standards to all of your children. That gives them a sense of being treated fairly and encourages the one with special needs to develop self-control. Rules that apply to all help everyone feel they're on the same team.

Our counseling staff can offer further help and insight; feel free to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My spouse and I love each other. Still, sometimes we really grate on each other's nerves. If one of us even accidentally does something that irritates the other, things get tense for a while. We both hate that. How do we maintain a healthy balance?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I heard a great story that illustrates a key point about grace and understanding. A family was sitting down to dinner. As Mom set the table, everything looked delicious -- until the kids noticed the biscuits were badly burnt. The weary mother apologized. But the father simply smiled at his wife, slathered the hockey pucks with some butter and ate without complaining. He even said aloud, "I love a burned biscuit now and again."

Later, one of his kids asked why he hadn't thrown the nearly inedible biscuits away. Dad replied, "Your mom had a long, hard day at work. And she's far more important to me than whether or not the food was a little charred."

Much of having a successful marriage is learning how to be patient with imperfection. After all, each of us is prone to mistakes -- and we can all use a smile instead of judgment when things aren't going well. A little grace can defuse a lot of conflict. In fact, many arguments might never get started in the first place if couples offered each other their support rather than anger.

So if your marriage serves you a burned biscuit, slather it with some love, understanding and grace. It'll make that minor inconvenience a lot easier to swallow.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My husband and I both feel like our marriage is over, and we're ready to divorce. But we agreed to wait until after Christmas because we didn't want to ruin the holidays for the rest of our family. Part of me still wishes we could work things out. What should I do?

Jim: Some lawyers refer to January as the "divorce month" because of the spike in business this time of year. It turns out many couples who are thinking of divorce do just what you are considering. They don't want litigation to cloud the season for everyone else, so they muddle through until the new year rolls around. Once it does, they're ready to do something about their broken relationship.

Well, I agree that it IS time for you to do something about your marriage. But instead of divorce, why not put rescuing your marriage at the top of your "goals for the new year" list? Repairing what's broken probably won't be easy, but it'll be worth it. Research shows conclusively that the majority of individuals who stay married and work through their differences are happier a few years later than those who divorce.

Contrary to what many people believe, divorce isn't an easy way out. It's emotionally traumatic for everyone involved, no matter what time of year it happens.

Now that the Christmas tree has been taken down, give your marriage another chance. You and your spouse have a great opportunity to chart a different course through life together. We have many resources to help, including our Hope Restored marriage intensives that have an excellent success rate of saving marriages on the brink of divorce. For more information, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I've been thinking about my family's entertainment habits, and I think it's time to set some concrete standards. I'm just not sure how to go about it. As a business leader, I'm used to laying out a strategic plan for everyone to follow -- but at home, it's a different ballgame. Do you have any suggestions?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: I believe the answer to "concrete standards" regarding your family entertainment habits is fourfold. What I'm about to suggest is probably similar to the workplace "standards" you're already implementing -- just with some twists with children in mind.

-- Get on the same page. Let's say you and your spouse disagree as to whether or not your kids can play first-person-shooter video games. You'll have to come up with a compromise before one of you sets forth a house rule and the other undermines it.

-- Guidelines should be principle-based, not product-specific. I recommend having a "rule" that says, "As a person in this family, we pledge to watch movies that uplift, build up and encourage us," rather than, "No R-rated films ever."

-- Put your guidelines in writing. As my family did when our two children were roughly 12 and 9, I suggest you put your family's media commitments in writing -- then sign it and post it where all can see. Your children may wish to put handwritten pledges or unique ratifications in the margins to make the covenant more personal. The power of this pledge isn't in having more rules, nor the fanciness of the frame it's displayed in. It's in the accountability it brings, and the reminder it provides.

-- Talk regularly about making wise entertainment choices. Don't assume that once you have written media guidelines, your work as a parent is done. Far from it. Because entertainment is so HUGE with kids these days, I suggest you regularly discuss what's hot, what's not, what's in bounds and what's out, what their friends are into, and the technological gizmos that usher it into their lives daily.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: This past year has been one I'd rather put behind me and forget, although I can't. And 2019 may be filled with uncertainty for me in a variety of areas. Do you have any suggestions for coping with all this?

Jim: You're not alone. Many people are stuck in the past. Others spend their energy looking only toward the future, which is uncertain for all of us. But very few seem able to embrace the present.

Best-selling author and psychologist Dr. John Townsend says the past, present and future all have their benefits. Staying in touch with our past is important because of the lessons we learn there and the memories we cherish. Setting our minds toward the future is wise because we have to be intentional if we hope to create a good one. But if we don't live out our present in a healthy way, we'll struggle. We'll either get stuck in the past and suffer from regret and guilt, or we'll cripple our future with fear and anxiety.

That's why it's important to be mindful of today, because you can have control over how you approach the present.

Dr. Townsend offers this suggestion: Several times a day, pull away from the usual routine of life and give some thought to three things: (1) how much you care about the good people in your life; (2) how you're feeling inside at that moment, whether positive or negative; and (3) what activities in your life are really important to you. Use those insights to get a handle on how you can make the most of where you're at right now and where you might be able to make some improvements.

Taking this approach each day can help you gain some stability and be better equipped for whatever does come in the months and years ahead.

Q: How can I help my son and daughter resist peer pressure? They often go along with whatever their friends do, even if it involves poor choices.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Lots of children and teens are driven by pressure to be noticed or to feel normal around others. This desire to fit in is a powerful motivator and can lead to kids making harmful or dangerous decisions. Here are six ideas for helping kids develop resistance to peer pressure:

1. Offer genuine affirmation. Help your son discover his true strengths. Encourage him when he fails and cheer him on when he bounces back.

2. Listen closely. Your daughter may say, "I need a smartphone," but she might really mean "I just want to feel normal and to belong."

3. Empathize and teach them how to cope. Many teens make peer-pressured decisions to (for example) smoke, vape or use marijuana because 1) they are stressed, and 2) they want to be accepted. Help your child learn that everyone has insecurities and wants acceptance from others. Teach healthy ways to deal with stress.

4. Make time for relationship and conversation. Parents might assume that if kids aren't talking or they prefer to be with friends, they don't want their parents in their life anymore. Research shows that's not true.

5. Help them pursue growth, not good feelings. Over the years I've told clients if they want to feel good, they should see a massage therapist. If they want to grow, they'll have to make choices that may not be comfortable. This applies to grown-ups as well as kids.

6. Teach them to apply positive peer pressure. Help them take notice of those who need kindness, love and affirmation. Show them how to build others up by encouraging them. Kids can become highly motivated to do this when they realize they can have an influence on others.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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