Q: My new husband and I are excited for our first Christmas as a married couple. But we're having differences of opinion over how we should celebrate. Is that normal?

Jim: Christmas is an exciting time of year for most newlyweds. But transitioning from "his traditions" and "her traditions" to "our traditions" isn't always easy. He probably has a few ideas from his childhood, and so does she.

The Christmas tree is just one example. Some people love the convenience and year-to-year consistency of artificial trees. But others feel it's not Christmas without the smell of a real tree and the sense of nostalgia it gives to the holiday.

Marriage is all about communication, finding common ground and serving each other. Whether it's deciding on a tree, when to open presents or where to have Christmas dinner, you need to intentionally come together in a way that makes the season meaningful for each of you.

I'd suggest taking a date night to make lists of what each of you did in your families growing up, and what was most meaningful to you. Share your favorite memories. It's like a recipe: Find ways to blend together a little of "hers" and a little of "his" to create a Christmas that's "ours." And look for new ideas -- things neither of you have ever tried before -- that can be yours beyond what your families did.

Most of all, even if your Christmas tree is fake, don't let what the holiday means become artificial. It's a celebration of the greatest gift ever given. To help your relationships thrive this Christmas, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I want Christmas to be a time of family bonding, but everybody seems to get caught up in their own thing (usually including technology of some type). If/when we are all in the same place at the same time, there's generally a screen involved (a movie or TV). How can we change this pattern?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: This takes a lot of intentionality, especially since entertainment technology is so pervasive in our day-to-day lives. Tech isn't bad; it just needs limits.

Building relationships takes time and the intentional effort to be actively engaged with someone else. Families I've counseled who see success in this area have made proactive decisions to establish balanced limits on tech as a household. Those parents go beyond the what ("no phones at the dinner table") and help their kids understand the why -- and then enforce the standards consistently.

I suggest that you sit down as a family and draw up guidelines and a menu of options for alternate activities. Kids, especially, may not be pleased with the shift at first. But they should get on board as they see that you are prioritizing time with them and you all experience increased connection. Involve the children in jointly developing a list of creative ideas that may or may not include technology. Consider everyone's age, preferences and personality, and take turns selecting things to do together.

Board games, hikes, video game tournaments, cooking, hide-and-seek, building snowmen, caroling in your neighborhood -- the list is endless. A key idea to keep in mind is creating versus just consuming. For example, eating cookies is more fun if you baked them together. Or, instead of just watching a movie, make and edit one of your own with your collective phones.

This Christmas, try to be an intentional parent who uses reasonable and helpful limits to work toward being more connected as a family. That's a gift for everyone!

P.S. Intentionality is one of the "7 Traits of Effective Parenting" (see www.focusonthefamily.com/7traits).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My father is a retired engineer and has virtually everything he wants, so it's almost impossible to buy presents for him. He insists we shouldn't get him anything for Christmas. But I want our children to learn to be giving, and we all want to honor Grandpa. Do you have any advice?

Jim: They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Well, the way to a father's (and grandfather's) heart is through the almost-lost art of handwritten notes.

Dads won't often admit it, but most of us love handwritten notes from our children. The messages don't have to be long and complicated, either. Just a few quick lines that speak from the heart -- something special he's done, a fond memory, or tell him the influence he's had in your life.

Your dad is much more likely to throw away store-bought cards unless there's something meaningful written inside. Dads love to hear that they've made an impact in their kids' (and grandkids') lives and that you appreciate that influence. You can't buy a more meaningful gift, and -- unlike another tie -- he won't throw this gift away.

And if you're a dad, remember this: Your children will treasure the personal notes that you write to them. You probably connect with your children when you're roughhousing or wrestling on the floor. But don't forget to express your love through tenderness, too. Write a few quick lines that highlight what your children are doing well and what you love about them.

Handwritten notes with their unique flourishes and scribbles connect us with the person who wrote them. Texts and emails are useful, but they don't connect us at a human level. Christmas is a great time to put pen (or crayon) to paper and say, "I love you."

Q: Every year we host the extended family for Christmas day. And every year my wife gets more stressed about it all. I don't even know what to say to help her -- any ideas?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The holidays should be times of celebration and fun. But all too often Christmas becomes a source of stress that we just don't need.

I think a primary reason is expectations, real or imagined. In other words, we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by what "should" be included in a celebration (and women are especially vulnerable to this). Sometimes those expectations are very specific: "Christmas dinner always includes these nine dishes because that's how Grandma did it." Sometimes they're more subtle -- particularly if they're self-inflicted. ("I just know everybody expects me to cook a more extravagant meal than Aunt Betty did at Thanksgiving.") And the bigger the gathering, the more perceived pressure.

I would suggest sitting down with your wife as soon as possible and talking about all of this. Ask her what stresses her the most. Discuss where those expectations are coming from -- and are they even real? Does Uncle Bob actually want or expect three dessert choices, or is pumpkin pie sufficient? Is it necessary to have two elaborately wrapped gifts for each person under the tree? Strategize together about what can be included versus what could be, and what will be good enough.

And here's the kicker: plan ahead and "man up." Ask your wife now for some very specific tasks that you (and the kids) can do to help out. Load/unload the dishwasher; take out the trash as soon as the can is full; refill the punchbowl and ice trays; etc. I predict you'll see the stress level ease as your wife recognizes she won't have to do everything herself -- or even everything she expects.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Some close friends of ours recently lost their teenage son to suicide. All of us are devastated, and our friends are racked with guilt. We're also concerned about how this will affect other kids; what can we do?

Jim: I understand; not that long ago, there were five suicides at my sons' relatively small high school in less than two years. The scale of the tragedy was shocking. Heartbroken parents, peers and school officials were left grappling with one question: "What did I miss?"

The sobering truth is that any parent can overlook important signs that their child is at risk for self-harm if they don't know what to look for. Suicide is now the second-leading cause of death among teens. As parents and concerned citizens, we need to understand the causes of this epidemic.

Experts say that personal and family history, conflicts at home or school, lack of parental interest, personality disorders, illnesses, and past abuse or trauma can all play a part. That's not to mention the hormonal instability, immaturity and lack of experience that are typical of adolescence. In other words, suicide is often the result of a "perfect storm" of interrelated psychological problems, many of which are not under the victim's conscious control.

Depression is one of the most common conditions among teenagers contemplating suicide. They may lose interest in their favorite activities or say they feel worthless. You may even notice them giving away prized possessions, telling people goodbye, or isolating from family and friends. They may also be involved in drugs and alcohol or act out with reckless behavior. And be sure to watch out for romantic breakups, problems with bullies or humiliating situations at school. Those events can trigger a downward spiral into suicidal behavior. And, like what happened at my boys' school, one suicide may prompt other teens to follow suit.

If you see any of these signs, talk to your teenager and find out what's going on. They may not immediately open up, but keep reaching out to them and get to the truth. If there is a problem, seek professional help that will equip them to find positive solutions when life gets tough. Most of all, encourage them to never choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Many people believe suicide is a taboo subject -- something we dare not mention, thinking that talking about suicide may actually encourage it. But that's a misconception. In reality, frank discussion of suicide-related fears, doubts and tensions is one of the best ways of preventing self-destructive behavior among young people.

It's not easy, but talk about the issue of suicide with your teen. And encourage teachers, church and community leaders, and your fellow parents to address the topic as well. If you're worried about a loved one, intervene. Talk to a pastor or counselor, or call your local suicide hotline. By bringing the issue into the light, you'll be offering a lifeline to someone who may have lost hope.

Here at Focus on the Family, we've heard from so many families dealing with this issue that we knew we needed to do something more. So we have just released "Alive to Thrive" -- a faith-based program that explores the social, psychological and spiritual aspects of the epidemic.

This new resource is written by clinical experts and is designed to help parents, youth workers, ministry leaders and teachers intervene before thoughts of suicide turn into action. You can find out more at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Meanwhile, if any reader would like some direct advice and assistance -- or if you're having suicidal thoughts yourself, no matter what your age -- I urge you to contact our staff counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). There is reason to live.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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