Q: Some close friends of ours recently lost their teenage son to suicide. All of us are devastated, and our friends are racked with guilt. We're also concerned about how this will affect other kids; what can we do?

Jim: I understand; not that long ago, there were five suicides at my sons' relatively small high school in less than two years. The scale of the tragedy was shocking. Heartbroken parents, peers and school officials were left grappling with one question: "What did I miss?"

The sobering truth is that any parent can overlook important signs that their child is at risk for self-harm if they don't know what to look for. Suicide is now the second-leading cause of death among teens. As parents and concerned citizens, we need to understand the causes of this epidemic.

Experts say that personal and family history, conflicts at home or school, lack of parental interest, personality disorders, illnesses, and past abuse or trauma can all play a part. That's not to mention the hormonal instability, immaturity and lack of experience that are typical of adolescence. In other words, suicide is often the result of a "perfect storm" of interrelated psychological problems, many of which are not under the victim's conscious control.

Depression is one of the most common conditions among teenagers contemplating suicide. They may lose interest in their favorite activities or say they feel worthless. You may even notice them giving away prized possessions, telling people goodbye, or isolating from family and friends. They may also be involved in drugs and alcohol or act out with reckless behavior. And be sure to watch out for romantic breakups, problems with bullies or humiliating situations at school. Those events can trigger a downward spiral into suicidal behavior. And, like what happened at my boys' school, one suicide may prompt other teens to follow suit.

If you see any of these signs, talk to your teenager and find out what's going on. They may not immediately open up, but keep reaching out to them and get to the truth. If there is a problem, seek professional help that will equip them to find positive solutions when life gets tough. Most of all, encourage them to never choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Many people believe suicide is a taboo subject -- something we dare not mention, thinking that talking about suicide may actually encourage it. But that's a misconception. In reality, frank discussion of suicide-related fears, doubts and tensions is one of the best ways of preventing self-destructive behavior among young people.

It's not easy, but talk about the issue of suicide with your teen. And encourage teachers, church and community leaders, and your fellow parents to address the topic as well. If you're worried about a loved one, intervene. Talk to a pastor or counselor, or call your local suicide hotline. By bringing the issue into the light, you'll be offering a lifeline to someone who may have lost hope.

Here at Focus on the Family, we've heard from so many families dealing with this issue that we knew we needed to do something more. So we have just released "Alive to Thrive" -- a faith-based program that explores the social, psychological and spiritual aspects of the epidemic.

This new resource is written by clinical experts and is designed to help parents, youth workers, ministry leaders and teachers intervene before thoughts of suicide turn into action. You can find out more at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Meanwhile, if any reader would like some direct advice and assistance -- or if you're having suicidal thoughts yourself, no matter what your age -- I urge you to contact our staff counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). There is reason to live.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm a mom to 3 energetic young boys. I grew up with two sisters myself -- in other words, "just us girls" -- so the constant competition between my little guys has been a real shock to me. Should I encourage or discourage my sons' competitive nature?

Jim: Here's what I think. There are exceptions, of course, but most boys are wired to compete. Watch how a group of boys plays together sometime -- it's the same in every culture. If they don't have a game suitable to battle one another, they'll create one. They'll turn rocks and sticks into guns and swords, while wadded up T-shirts become balls for some new game they invent.

In their younger days, my own sons spent hours building fortresses out of Legos only to see who could destroy them with a well-thrown tennis ball. The Death Star and the Evil Empire were destroyed more times than I can count. They're teens now and still compete with each other -- and me!

But it's not all fun and games. Win or lose, the skills and discipline boys learn when they compete will be pivotal to them later when they're responsible for a career, a mortgage and a family of their own. Ultimately, raising boys is about raising confident men who are equipped to take on the world around them.

That's why I don't think it's helpful for parents to throttle their sons' competitive spirit. Instead, teach them how to harness their strength and to use it in productive ways that benefit not just themselves, but other people. Sure, they need boundaries, but don't be too heavy-handed with restrictions. Focus more on patience and instruction.

The goal isn't to hold your sons back, but to direct their path. A boy in competition is a man in training.

Q: I'm getting married soon. My fiance and I have been told to expect some "normal" disagreements. But we're worried we might fight about the wrong things. What topics are OK to argue about?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The list of issues a couple can disagree about is endless: money, in-laws, sex, who should do the laundry, etc. Both of you see the world through different eyes, so it's inevitable that you'll disagree on some things. But you can actually "fight your way to a better marriage" -- in fact (semi-shameless plug), my wife and I literally wrote the book by that title.

The key is that what you argue about is far less important than how you argue. Some couples fight with one goal in mind: winning the argument at all costs. Instead of listening or trying to understand each other's point of view, they go on the offensive and fight to get their own way. That's when things can get ugly with name-calling, criticism, or even verbal or physical threats. Those are all destructive behaviors that will scar your marriage long after your disagreement has been resolved or abandoned. You're attacking your spouse, not the problem.

A better idea is to pursue a solution that works as equitably as possible for both of you. You can work through almost anything if your ultimate goal is the health and well-being of your relationship. The more complicated the issue, the more important healthy choices become. You can be defensive, or you can be open to your spouse's feelings. You can be self-righteous, or you can be humble. You can be stubborn, or you can be understanding.

Winning an argument is a hollow victory if you're wrecking your marriage in the process. Make a strong relationship your goal. Attack the problem, not each other. We have resources to help (including counseling referrals) at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Since school started this year, my two "tweens" seem to be increasingly irritable. They tell me they love school and all of the activities they're involved in; they have plenty of friends, etc. But every morning seems to be a battle to get them both going and out the door without setting off a tantrum. Do you have any advice?

Jim: It's possible that your children might be getting caught in the "fatigue whirlpool." That's what researchers call the downward spiral of poor sleep and poor behavior that disrupts a lot of households.

You'll know you're in danger if your kids' schedules are so jam-packed that they fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day, then barely drag themselves out of bed for school the next morning. Sooner or later, fatigue will set in, and their attitude will start to spiral. Once that happens, you're in the fatigue whirlpool, where lack of sleep and poor behavior feed off each other.

The solution is to adjust your kids' schedule and to help them get more sleep. Experts say that children need nine or 10 hours of sleep to be at their best. That might not be possible every night, but when kids are well-rested, they'll think more clearly and feel more engaged.

Also, a "lights out" policy at bedtime can help your children fall asleep faster. Light exposure suppresses melatonin, the hormone that helps regulate sleep. Turn off the lights, the screens and all of those illuminated gadgets in your kids' room. A night light or a small lamp is OK, but the darker the room, the better. I have our teens charge electronics overnight in the kitchen.

Think about routines, think about consistency and think about timing. Those are the keys to get out of the fatigue whirlpool.

Q: I loved to read when I was growing up, especially imaginative stories. Now my own teenagers think cracking open a book is uncool. Why do you think that's happening, and do you have any suggestions?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: Johannes Gutenberg's invention of the printing press in 1440 changed our world. It took reading out of the hands of elites and put it into the hands of everyday folks. Books have been one of life's greatest pleasures ever since. No longer hand-scribed on parchment, these printed volumes educated, unified and entertained the masses while occasionally changing nations (think "Uncle Tom's Cabin"). And until about 100 years ago, books reigned supreme in occupying free time.

But let's face it: There really wasn't much competition back then. Sure, there were symphonies, plays, operas and orators, but no one had to choose between the latest superhero movie or "Moby Dick"; playing "Fortnite" or reading "A Tale of Two Cities"; posting selfies on Instagram or checking out "Anna Karenina."

Maybe it's partly the appeal of screens to visual learners. Maybe it's the sensory rush of computer graphics over the imagination within our own minds.

Here's what I know: Teenagers do still read. But treasured classics of yesteryear often gather dust while the latest young adult novel (often with lots of problematic content) moves to the top of teens' reading lists (if there's a list at all). Meanwhile, misspelled texts and empty social media substitute for C.S. Lewis and Harper Lee.

That said, I have a suggestion to bring back book consumption in the home. I think parents would be wise to implement a system in which, let's say, 30 minutes of reading a classic translates into 30 minutes of screen time. Not only would this increase book reading -- and learning, of course -- but decrease the nearly nine hours of screen time adolescents engage in per day. (For reviews of many popular books, see pluggedin.com.)

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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