Q: My two kids enjoy sports and are pretty good athletes. But if they do have a bad game, I'm never sure what to say to encourage them afterward. I just don't seem to have the right words or advice in the moment. Do you have any insights?

Jim: This is one of the real challenges of raising young athletes -- regardless of their skill level. What a lot of parents do is offer their child pointers for how they can do better next time. But kids aren't looking for critiques of their pitching or reminders to grab those rebounds when the dust hasn't had time to settle yet. Even well-intentioned remarks about "doing better next time" aren't that helpful.

Once the sting wears off, your child will probably be open to your suggestions for how they can improve their game. But the car ride home usually isn't the best time for a verbal highlight reel of their mistakes.

Try this. After the game, as they're shuffling back to the car with their head hung low, put an arm around them and say, "I sure love watching you play." That's it. Those words will tell your child that you love and support them, even when they lose or don't play very well.

That message -- that you love them and enjoy being with them, no matter how they perform -- is a key to reinforcing the relationship that goes far beyond sports. And it sets the tone for how you can help later. When they are finally ready to rehash the game, listen much more than you speak.

On a broader scale, a couple of years ago I was privileged to interview authors David King (a college athletic director) and Margot Starbuck (soccer mom and former athlete) about their book "Overplayed: A Parent's Guide to Sanity in the World of Youth Sports." It's a faith-based resource that's filled with helpful insights for any sports-loving family and might be worth checking out.

Q: My wife and I entered marriage three years ago with high hopes. We both thought we were well-prepared with plans for what we wanted our relationship to be. But so far we haven't found the balance we desire. What can we do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I hear this sort of question a lot. In many cases, the problem may be one of extremes.

Probably the most significant influence for how we behave in our marriage comes from our upbringing. For example, people raised in a troubled home likely grew up with parents who constantly fought with one another. When that child becomes an adult, they may do everything they can to avoid interacting as their parents did -- like refusing to engage in conflict even if it means they never express their opinion in the relationship.

But there's also a downside to growing up with a mom and dad who never allowed their conflict to be seen. Kids from these homes often feel their relationship has to be a carbon copy of their parents'. And when that first disagreement pops up in their marriage? They feel like failures and believe their marriage is doomed.

Allowing your expectations to swing to either extreme can kill your relationship. The best solution is to find healthy middle ground. In other words, don't focus on running from the negativity of your past. But don't waste all of your energy trying to re-create the good parts, either.

Every marriage is unique. You and your spouse need to find an identity for your relationship that best fits your personalities. It's the only way to build a successful marriage.

For more insights into healthy relationships, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I didn't want a divorce. I tried to save my marriage, but ... anyway, it's done now. Friends and family are telling me to get on with life for me and my kids and start fresh. What's your take?

Jim: Counselors suggest the stress and heartache of a broken marriage can be as severe as losing someone to death, especially for children involved. So it's best if conflicted couples resolve their problems and heal their relationship (and we have many resources to help). But for those already struggling through a divorce, it's important not to complicate difficult circumstances even further.

One of the most common mistakes after a failed marriage is the tendency for people to jump into a new relationship too quickly. It's understandable; the pain of a broken marriage can be crushing. That's why many people choose to mask their grief behind the excitement of a new relationship rather than face it head on. But hiding our emotional baggage doesn't resolve it. It simply drags it into future relationships, where it's guaranteed to resurface. That's a key reason why the divorce rate for second marriages is significantly higher than for first marriages.

You need time to recover from the breakdown of your marriage. Take it slow. Meet with a counselor. Work through your emotional wounds and figure out what went wrong with your first marriage before you open yourself up to another relationship.

Children also need time to grieve the life they once knew before being expected to adjust to a new one. The most important need your kids have at this time in their life is stability. And that's likely going to require sacrifice on your part. They (and you) will be able to move forward eventually, but it's going to take plenty of time and understanding.

If you'd like to speak with our counselors about your situation, I invite you to call them at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: What's your advice regarding arguing with teenagers? I know it's almost inevitable; I argued with my parents when I was a teen, and we made it through to enjoy each other today. But being on the parent side of the equation is tough!

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: My advice is to try to never argue with teenagers. Arguing is different than healthy conflict. Done correctly, conflict helps to define and clarify both parties' points of view; whereas arguing is just expressing your own perspective. Conflict should work toward connection, understanding and resolution.

Healthy conflict requires a healthy relationship. How do you and your kids get along during periods of non-conflict? Is there mutual respect and willingness to listen? (Try to "out-listen" each other.) Ask questions to try to understand what is really driving your teens' frustration and focus. For instance, something upsetting may have happened at school or with their friends. Your kids might react negatively to being asked to do a chore, or verbally snap back during a disagreement -- but the real issue that's bothering them may be something else entirely. You've just become the "safe" target of stirred emotions.

In the heat of the moment, your teens may not be thinking rationally -- and they can quickly take you there with them. That skewed perspective can lead to using phrases like "you never," "you always," "it's so unfair," etc. And raw emotions may stir up past unresolved disagreements, like peeling a scab off a wound.

Parenting is about influencing our children toward desired outcomes. And as parents, we're always in training ourselves. You can learn about the Seven Traits of Effective Parenting on our website (FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting); you can also contact our counselors if you're stuck and need help.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My daughter is starting to go through puberty. As a dad, I'm suddenly paranoid about how I interact with her. We've always been close and "huggy," but now I wonder how/if I can show her affection appropriately. What's your take?

Jim: This question strikes close to home because of what my wife experienced. When Jean and I first got married, she struggled with physical touch, like holding hands and hugging. We talked about it on several occasions; one day, she finally realized why touch was so difficult for her. Jean's father started withdrawing physical affection from her when she was 12 or 13. She remembers her mother telling her father, "Honey, your girls are blossoming. It's not appropriate for you to touch them or hug them."

That happens in a lot of households. Dads stop showing affection to their daughters because they believe -- or they've been told -- that it's not appropriate. As well-meaning as that idea may be, withdrawing your affection sends your daughters a confusing message. They'll wonder, "What's wrong with me? Why doesn't Dad want to be close to me? Why doesn't Dad love me?"

Your daughter might feel like you're turning your back on her, or that you aren't interested in being around her anymore. That can inflict a deep emotional wound that she will carry with her for the rest of her life. It could even affect her ability to enjoy her marriage with her husband someday.

Dads, if you or your daughter feels self-conscious about the way she's developing, then find ways to communicate your affection that you both find acceptable. You certainly want your daughter to feel comfortable, but don't withhold your affection entirely. Your daughter needs you.

Q: My boyfriend and I are starting to think pretty seriously about our future together. Presuming we continue to move toward marriage, we want to do everything we can to strengthen our relationship. I've heard people talk about premarital counseling. When should we do that?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Many people will tell you that one of the most important things you and your fiance can do before getting married is to get premarital counseling -- and I agree. But what about pre-engagement counseling?

Believe it or not, getting counseling before you're engaged might be one of the most important things you can do to ensure the future health of your relationship. Think about it: By the time a couple actually gets engaged, they're far less inclined to take an in-depth, honest look at their relationship. In many cases, they've already bought the rings, reserved the church and sent out the invitations. Because they've already invested so much, and because there's often a social stigma associated with breaking off an engagement, many engaged couples would rather just coast along than take an honest look at one another's character flaws and other issues that could cause trouble down the road.

Here's my suggestion: If you've been dating someone for more than six months and feel that your relationship might be headed toward engagement and marriage, it would be a great idea to set up a few counseling sessions with a good marriage and family therapist.

This is not an admission that there's something seriously wrong with your relationship. Rather, it's a commitment on both of your parts to make your relationship the best it can possibly be before taking the next step. Look at it this way: Investing in pre-engagement counseling now could save you the pain and expense of a divorce later on.

We have loads of resources (including a counseling referral network) to help couples at any stage -- dating, engaged and married -- at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.