Q: I didn't want a divorce. I tried to save my marriage, but ... anyway, it's done now. Friends and family are telling me to get on with life for me and my kids and start fresh. What's your take?

Jim: Counselors suggest the stress and heartache of a broken marriage can be as severe as losing someone to death, especially for children involved. So it's best if conflicted couples resolve their problems and heal their relationship (and we have many resources to help). But for those already struggling through a divorce, it's important not to complicate difficult circumstances even further.

One of the most common mistakes after a failed marriage is the tendency for people to jump into a new relationship too quickly. It's understandable; the pain of a broken marriage can be crushing. That's why many people choose to mask their grief behind the excitement of a new relationship rather than face it head on. But hiding our emotional baggage doesn't resolve it. It simply drags it into future relationships, where it's guaranteed to resurface. That's a key reason why the divorce rate for second marriages is significantly higher than for first marriages.

You need time to recover from the breakdown of your marriage. Take it slow. Meet with a counselor. Work through your emotional wounds and figure out what went wrong with your first marriage before you open yourself up to another relationship.

Children also need time to grieve the life they once knew before being expected to adjust to a new one. The most important need your kids have at this time in their life is stability. And that's likely going to require sacrifice on your part. They (and you) will be able to move forward eventually, but it's going to take plenty of time and understanding.

If you'd like to speak with our counselors about your situation, I invite you to call them at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: What's your advice regarding arguing with teenagers? I know it's almost inevitable; I argued with my parents when I was a teen, and we made it through to enjoy each other today. But being on the parent side of the equation is tough!

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: My advice is to try to never argue with teenagers. Arguing is different than healthy conflict. Done correctly, conflict helps to define and clarify both parties' points of view; whereas arguing is just expressing your own perspective. Conflict should work toward connection, understanding and resolution.

Healthy conflict requires a healthy relationship. How do you and your kids get along during periods of non-conflict? Is there mutual respect and willingness to listen? (Try to "out-listen" each other.) Ask questions to try to understand what is really driving your teens' frustration and focus. For instance, something upsetting may have happened at school or with their friends. Your kids might react negatively to being asked to do a chore, or verbally snap back during a disagreement -- but the real issue that's bothering them may be something else entirely. You've just become the "safe" target of stirred emotions.

In the heat of the moment, your teens may not be thinking rationally -- and they can quickly take you there with them. That skewed perspective can lead to using phrases like "you never," "you always," "it's so unfair," etc. And raw emotions may stir up past unresolved disagreements, like peeling a scab off a wound.

Parenting is about influencing our children toward desired outcomes. And as parents, we're always in training ourselves. You can learn about the Seven Traits of Effective Parenting on our website (FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting); you can also contact our counselors if you're stuck and need help.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My daughter is starting to go through puberty. As a dad, I'm suddenly paranoid about how I interact with her. We've always been close and "huggy," but now I wonder how/if I can show her affection appropriately. What's your take?

Jim: This question strikes close to home because of what my wife experienced. When Jean and I first got married, she struggled with physical touch, like holding hands and hugging. We talked about it on several occasions; one day, she finally realized why touch was so difficult for her. Jean's father started withdrawing physical affection from her when she was 12 or 13. She remembers her mother telling her father, "Honey, your girls are blossoming. It's not appropriate for you to touch them or hug them."

That happens in a lot of households. Dads stop showing affection to their daughters because they believe -- or they've been told -- that it's not appropriate. As well-meaning as that idea may be, withdrawing your affection sends your daughters a confusing message. They'll wonder, "What's wrong with me? Why doesn't Dad want to be close to me? Why doesn't Dad love me?"

Your daughter might feel like you're turning your back on her, or that you aren't interested in being around her anymore. That can inflict a deep emotional wound that she will carry with her for the rest of her life. It could even affect her ability to enjoy her marriage with her husband someday.

Dads, if you or your daughter feels self-conscious about the way she's developing, then find ways to communicate your affection that you both find acceptable. You certainly want your daughter to feel comfortable, but don't withhold your affection entirely. Your daughter needs you.

Q: My boyfriend and I are starting to think pretty seriously about our future together. Presuming we continue to move toward marriage, we want to do everything we can to strengthen our relationship. I've heard people talk about premarital counseling. When should we do that?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Many people will tell you that one of the most important things you and your fiance can do before getting married is to get premarital counseling -- and I agree. But what about pre-engagement counseling?

Believe it or not, getting counseling before you're engaged might be one of the most important things you can do to ensure the future health of your relationship. Think about it: By the time a couple actually gets engaged, they're far less inclined to take an in-depth, honest look at their relationship. In many cases, they've already bought the rings, reserved the church and sent out the invitations. Because they've already invested so much, and because there's often a social stigma associated with breaking off an engagement, many engaged couples would rather just coast along than take an honest look at one another's character flaws and other issues that could cause trouble down the road.

Here's my suggestion: If you've been dating someone for more than six months and feel that your relationship might be headed toward engagement and marriage, it would be a great idea to set up a few counseling sessions with a good marriage and family therapist.

This is not an admission that there's something seriously wrong with your relationship. Rather, it's a commitment on both of your parts to make your relationship the best it can possibly be before taking the next step. Look at it this way: Investing in pre-engagement counseling now could save you the pain and expense of a divorce later on.

We have loads of resources (including a counseling referral network) to help couples at any stage -- dating, engaged and married -- at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: A friend of mine claims he's heard that having an affair can actually spice up your marriage. That sounds wrong to me, but I'm not really sure what to say to him. What's your take?

Jim: Having an affair will certainly NOT "spice up" the relationship. Infidelity has been described as a nuclear bomb detonating within a marriage. From the people I've known who've suffered through an affair, that imagery seems entirely appropriate. The effects on everyone involved are devastating.

Affairs are driven almost exclusively by emotion. The euphoria and excitement of infidelity is intoxicating. In fact, "intoxication" is a perfect descriptor because, at their core, affairs are virtually identical to alcohol and drug addiction. Neither addiction nor infidelity is a rational, logical solution to life's challenges. They're both attempts at escaping reality.

We all have legitimate desires for love and significance. But filling those needs with the emotional "high" of an affair is an illusion. You're not in love with a human being; you're in love with the fantasy of what you wish your relationship could be. The truth is that if the other person doesn't truly know you, they can't truly love you. What they love about you is no deeper than the surface. It's not the real, authentic you who can be known only through years of a healthy, intimate relationship. And just like every addiction, it'll only leave you feeling empty when it's over.

So, I would say to your friend: "Maybe you're struggling in your marriage, and the idea of an affair has crossed your mind. Or maybe you're already in one, and you feel trapped. Let me urge you to seek the help of a professional counselor now. There is still hope. Your marriage and your life can be restored."

Our counselors can help; see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: As a recently remarried stepparent, what can I do to make the transition to blended family life as smooth as possible for my children, my spouse's kids and everyone else concerned?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: The task of building a successful blended family is challenging and complicated. Even under the most ideal circumstances, it takes lots of time. So the most important thing is to be patient.

It's crucial to have realistic goals; don't expect to become "The Brady Bunch" overnight. Also, allow sufficient room for grieving. The kids in particular should have permission to mourn the breakup of their original family and the loss of everything that went along with it -- their house, neighborhood, friends, school, etc.

In all you do, try your best to give lots of affection to everyone in your new family. That means spending time alone with your spouse, working on your "couple" relationship, and making marital intimacy and communication a priority.

Meanwhile, since you've both brought children into the marriage, be sure to continue devoting plenty of attention to your own kids, so they don't feel abandoned in your attempt to bond with your new stepchildren. When you do show affection to your stepchildren, don't try to "prove yourself" to them, and don't make them feel as if they have to "earn" your love. Be patient as they catch up with their parent's decision to love this new person and go through their own process of deciding how to love you.

Finally, make an intentional effort to begin building a history together. Family bonding involves common experiences and shared memories. So start looking for ways to build a sense of "us" and "we" in your new home. Plan trips. Play games. Establish holiday traditions. Take lots of pictures. Don't try to erase memories of the "old" family; simply work hard to build a new one together.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.