Q: A friend of mine claims he's heard that having an affair can actually spice up your marriage. That sounds wrong to me, but I'm not really sure what to say to him. What's your take?

Jim: Having an affair will certainly NOT "spice up" the relationship. Infidelity has been described as a nuclear bomb detonating within a marriage. From the people I've known who've suffered through an affair, that imagery seems entirely appropriate. The effects on everyone involved are devastating.

Affairs are driven almost exclusively by emotion. The euphoria and excitement of infidelity is intoxicating. In fact, "intoxication" is a perfect descriptor because, at their core, affairs are virtually identical to alcohol and drug addiction. Neither addiction nor infidelity is a rational, logical solution to life's challenges. They're both attempts at escaping reality.

We all have legitimate desires for love and significance. But filling those needs with the emotional "high" of an affair is an illusion. You're not in love with a human being; you're in love with the fantasy of what you wish your relationship could be. The truth is that if the other person doesn't truly know you, they can't truly love you. What they love about you is no deeper than the surface. It's not the real, authentic you who can be known only through years of a healthy, intimate relationship. And just like every addiction, it'll only leave you feeling empty when it's over.

So, I would say to your friend: "Maybe you're struggling in your marriage, and the idea of an affair has crossed your mind. Or maybe you're already in one, and you feel trapped. Let me urge you to seek the help of a professional counselor now. There is still hope. Your marriage and your life can be restored."

Our counselors can help; see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: As a recently remarried stepparent, what can I do to make the transition to blended family life as smooth as possible for my children, my spouse's kids and everyone else concerned?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: The task of building a successful blended family is challenging and complicated. Even under the most ideal circumstances, it takes lots of time. So the most important thing is to be patient.

It's crucial to have realistic goals; don't expect to become "The Brady Bunch" overnight. Also, allow sufficient room for grieving. The kids in particular should have permission to mourn the breakup of their original family and the loss of everything that went along with it -- their house, neighborhood, friends, school, etc.

In all you do, try your best to give lots of affection to everyone in your new family. That means spending time alone with your spouse, working on your "couple" relationship, and making marital intimacy and communication a priority.

Meanwhile, since you've both brought children into the marriage, be sure to continue devoting plenty of attention to your own kids, so they don't feel abandoned in your attempt to bond with your new stepchildren. When you do show affection to your stepchildren, don't try to "prove yourself" to them, and don't make them feel as if they have to "earn" your love. Be patient as they catch up with their parent's decision to love this new person and go through their own process of deciding how to love you.

Finally, make an intentional effort to begin building a history together. Family bonding involves common experiences and shared memories. So start looking for ways to build a sense of "us" and "we" in your new home. Plan trips. Play games. Establish holiday traditions. Take lots of pictures. Don't try to erase memories of the "old" family; simply work hard to build a new one together.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: With three young children in the house, I'm trying to create order by setting rules. But every time I turn around, it seems like I need to set a new rule. How many should I have?

Jim: There's much to be said for setting guidelines and boundaries; that helps everyone in the family. But it's also easy to overdo it.

I heard about one mom who finally decided to write her rules down. It took her days to remember them all, and she ended up with six full pages. She had close to a hundred rules, and several even had subpoints. She thought creating guidelines for almost every area of life would make it easier for her children to behave. Instead, she was making it harder.

Having too many rules sets children up for failure. When there are so many plates to keep spinning, they'll constantly feel defeated. Sooner or later, frustration will set in, and your children's behavior will get worse, not better.

Here's a tip for measuring if you have too many rules: If you can't keep track of all of the household standards, your children don't stand a chance of remembering them, either.

How many rules should you have? There's not a magic number, but it's best to limit yourself to only what your children can remember and handle at their age. Less is more for parents, too. It helps you focus on what truly matters to your child's well-being.

To some extent, many rules can simply be situational interpretations of the "Golden Rule," which can be paraphrased as: Treat other people the way you want to be treated yourself. Making that your overall household standard allows for adaptation to each individual scenario as it arises.

However many rules you end up with, just remember that too many can be counterproductive. But a reasonable number can guide your child toward personal growth and greater maturity.

Q: I've been married for eight years. My wife and I are trying to get back into the habit of regular "just us" dates. But we enjoy spending time with friends, too. How do we balance it all?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Married couples need to spend a lot of one-on-one time together. But you also need to surround yourselves with other couples who can positively influence your relationship and help strengthen it.

Your marriage is not an island. You need to interact with other couples -- to invest in their lives and for them to invest in yours. This is especially important because so many people live far away from members of their extended family and can't benefit from their influence. If you don't have family support, the influence of good friends is invaluable.

That's why it's so helpful to double date with other couples. There's no hard-and-fast rule for how often, but making one out of every four dates a double date is a pretty reasonable goal. If you date your spouse once a week (which I think is the optimum), that's one double date a month. But if you and your spouse only go out once a month, you'll still squeeze in three double dates a year. That may not sound like much, but don't underestimate the impact it can make.

Relationships with other couples can help keep your marriage healthy, but they'll be especially invaluable if your marriage hits a rough spot. During troubled times, couples tend to isolate. Friendships will give your marriage a strong shoulder to lean on and help you get through the painful times you're facing.

As individuals and as couples, we need the support and influence of others. For more ideas to help your marriage thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I have been married for a few years, and our relationship is already starting to seem a little stale. Is that normal? It bothers both of us, but we’re not sure what to do about it.

Jim: I understand. When Jean and I first started dating, I lived in San Diego, and she lived in Orange County. Without giving it a second thought, I’d often drive 90 miles to bring her dinner while she was at work. During our courting days, I was willing to inconvenience myself to show my interest. But fast forward to the early years of our marriage, and something had changed: I couldn’t be bothered to run an errand for her down the street, and I was easily distracted by work.

We all do that, don’t we? Once we’re married, we stop pursuing our spouse like we did when we were dating. It’s human nature. But it’s also a reason why many couples fall “out of love” -- they stop listening to each other and serving one another.

It’s as if we think saying “I love you” one time should last forever. The truth is that love has a shelf life. It has to be renewed every single day -- not once a month or once a year. We can’t bank on that big vacation we took last year or that romantic gesture we made last month. We need to actively show our love to each other every day.

So if your marriage isn’t what it used to be, fall back in love by treating your spouse with the same kind of dedication as you did when you were first dating. Give them your attention, listen to them, and make them a priority in your life once again. Restore the passion you once had when your relationship was new, and your feelings of love will grow.

To help your marriage thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I’m ashamed to admit that I lose my temper with my young kids occasionally. It’s usually not that extreme, and we all seem to get over it fairly quickly. But I’m wondering: is this a problem?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: I’m sure you love your children. And if you’re like most parents, those outbursts may not be directly related to your kids themselves. We all tend to let stress and anger build up, and then something minor -- like a spilled glass of milk -- sets us off.

Sometimes we may feel like our children think the world revolves around them. Believe it or not, they actually do think that. But it’s not because of a lack of discipline; it’s a product of their development. A young child’s brain is not capable of understanding experiences outside of its own perspective. And that’s exactly why anger toward kids can be so damaging.

When a parent screams, children are not able to rationally process the situation and think, “My parent may be angry, but this isn’t my fault.” Instead, children will immediately feel they’re to blame. And if the home environment consistently reinforces that message, the child’s sense of worth will deteriorate.

A child who grows up in a loving environment will know they’re valuable and loved, even though they make mistakes. Children living under a cloud of anger and harshness, on the other hand, eventually see themselves as a mistake -- that they’re unlovable and without value.

Almost every parent loses their temper at some point, of course. Fortunately, children rebound from occasional outbursts. But frequent anger is damaging.

If you’re struggling with anger, I encourage you to get help. You can start by speaking with one of our counselors by calling us at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.