parenting

Facing Major Transitions With Positivity Can Help Us Thrive

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | May 27th, 2018

Q: I'm almost ready to retire. I don't feel "old," but I'm a bit concerned about how this transition might affect me. Do you have any advice?

Jim: George Burns once said, "You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old." If anybody was qualified to give that advice, it'd be George, who lived to be 100 years old. But I think even he'd agree that aging gracefully requires learning how to deal with a few challenges along the way.

If we live long enough, each of us will eventually pass through painful chapters of life -- such as the death of a loved one, an empty nest or the need to leave a home that's filled with memories. Those are significant moments that we have to grieve through.

It's also important to learn healthy ways to deal with difficult life changes. Surround yourself with supportive people who will be alongside you in the midst of your struggles. The flip side of that is also true. Be careful about people who bring too much negativity to your life. Maybe they're critical or try too hard to "fix" you and your circumstances. You may have to distance yourself from friends and family like that. And be sure to get plenty of rest and exercise. Basic self-care can help minimize stress levels more than many people think.

Hopefully, you have many productive years ahead of you -- you'll just be "producing" in a different way. So a key will be finding ways to invest your time-won wisdom in younger generations through church, community groups and other venues.

Most of us probably won't live to be 100 like George Burns, but our lives can still be as rich if we accept that even unwelcome change is an opportunity to grow. Facing major transitions with a positive and hopeful attitude can better equip us to thrive in the new seasons of life that inevitably come along.

Q: I'm getting married in two months. My fiance and I both grew up in broken homes; can you give us any advice to help us be confident that our marriage will hold together?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Dr. John Gottman, a widely respected marriage therapist, estimates he can predict with 90 percent accuracy whether or not a newly married couple will go the distance. His secret isn't a crystal ball; it's extensive research he's conducted that examines how couples communicate.

Dr. Gottman says divorces don't occur over individual conflicts -- like money or in-laws -- but because of the way couples handle those disagreements. He identified four key behaviors that increase the chances that a couple will divorce: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and acting with contempt toward one another.

If any of those sound familiar, you may wonder if your marriage is doomed to fail. The good news is it doesn't have to. Real success (a lifelong process) is very possible when you're both committed to doing the work to improve your relationship.

Any couple, whatever their life stage, can learn how to communicate better to solve difficult problems. You may have to learn how to work together as a team or how to develop new relationship skills, but those are all factors within your control. That means almost any couple is just a few communication skills away from creating a healthy and successful marriage.

We have tons of resources available to help at FocusOnTheFamily.com/marriage, including relationship assessments you can take together that will highlight strengths and growth areas. In your case, you might be especially interested in a book my wife and I wrote together to help couples prepare for marriage called "Ready to Wed."

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Learn How to Live Within Your Means to Achieve Sense of Peace

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | May 20th, 2018

Q: My husband and I both work full-time. We're having problems making ends meet, so we're looking for better jobs. Meanwhile, we're trying to make a little extra here and there, but it's becoming exhausting. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: It's a common statement: The money comes in; the money goes out. And for a lot of us, there's not much left over when it's all said and done. It's a never-ending cycle that leaves many families wondering how to get ahead when they're barely making it.

Many couples can only think of one solution to that problem: make more money. A little extra cash may ease some of our immediate stress, but it usually isn't a long-term solution for debt. That's because the more money we earn, the more we're likely to elevate our standard of living. And more stuff means more spending. It's no wonder that couples at all income levels, even the wealthy, often feel the squeeze of debt.

Ultimately, the only solution that works is learning how to live on less than what we make -- no matter our income level. That can require some tough choices that force us to dig deep and sacrifice. On one end of the financial scale, it may mean selling a car or downsizing our home. On the smaller end, maybe we decide to eat out less or limit our entertainment choices.

Living within our means may not fill our lives with material luxury. But it will give us luxury of a different kind: contentment and peace instead of stress.

We have a number of resources to help you get a handle on finances -- and lifestyle -- at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Our son will be just old enough to possibly start kindergarten this coming fall. But we're not sure if he's ready (or we are). What should we consider before deciding?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Sending a child off to kindergarten can be an emotionally difficult task for some parents. Also, there can be a lot of pressure to get kids enrolled in school because of the fear that they may be missing out or falling behind.

I have found that children do best when they feel a sense of worth, belonging and competence throughout their academic years. Your child's maturity -- emotional, physical and mental -- will make a difference in developing this kind of experience.

It's helpful to consider whether you want your son to be one of the youngest or oldest in his class as he progresses through school. My kids, now 14 and 12, have done great with waiting a little longer to enter kindergarten. They have connected well and succeeded academically. In my counseling practice, I have seen more success stories in children who were on the older side in their grade than in kids who were on the younger side (when we're talking about just old enough).

However, each child is quite different. One child may flourish as the young one in the class, while another will struggle and have a lot of difficulty. My niece skipped a grade early in her elementary years and did well as the "young one" all throughout her schooling. She was a first-born, independent and driven girl and did very well academically and socially.

Ultimately, it comes down to assessing whether your child is ready for school physically, cognitively and emotionally. Take some time talking with his preschool teacher, Sunday School teachers or other adults who may be interacting with him to give you some helpful input before deciding.

If you'd like to talk to one of our staff counselors about this decision, you may contact them at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Look for Small Moments to Share With Your Kids

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | May 13th, 2018

Q: I've read that, as parents, we should "engage our children" to stay connected. As a dad, I really do want to make my kids a priority. But I just don't have time! What can I do?

Jim: I've heard many parents talk about how hard it is to find time to engage with their kids. I get that: Life is busy, and it's difficult to balance work, home and the kids' activities. But I think the opportunity to engage is often right in front of us if we'll just watch for it.

I was an assistant coach for my son's football team when he was in eighth grade. It was during a time of year when several sports were in action. So every time we pulled into the park where practice was held, there were a lot of kids and a lot of cars. But I noticed something. As Troy and I walked to the practice field, we passed car after car with a parent sitting inside. They were talking on their phone, looking at social media or playing a game to pass the time. Occasionally, I even saw a dad taking a nap.

I felt like those parents were missing a golden opportunity. They could have been cheering their kids from the sidelines. So what if it's not an actual game? Even when the activity is something we might consider "insignificant," it's not insignificant to our children. And most importantly, it's a chance to be engaged in their world.

Sports practice is one of those areas, but there are others as well. Spend 10 minutes reading to younger kids before bed. If they're older, maybe grab a few minutes with them at breakfast before you rush out the door. Find what works for you; the key is to look for small moments that might otherwise go to waste and choose to spend time with your children.

For more ideas to help your family thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My wife and I get along pretty well, although we fuss a lot about little things. That's normal, right? I mean, my parents did it all the time and they seemed OK.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The small things you bicker about may seem harmless, but they can put your marriage at risk. Petty arguments -- somebody not taking out the garbage, somebody else leaving clothes in the middle of the floor, etc. -- can be dangerous. Let them go on long enough and all of those "small" things can take down your marriage.

That's because petty arguments aren't really what's wrong with your marriage. They're just masking deeper issues in your relationship. Somewhere in your past your spouse may have said or done something hurtful to you, and now you're covering up that pain with anger.

That's why that sock on the floor gets you lashing out. Anger is easier than vulnerability. It's safer to argue about a sock than it is to talk about your deeper hurts and fears. Some couples spend years senselessly fighting about small, unimportant irritations, all the while ignoring the deeper cancer that's killing their marriage from within.

The next time you get into a petty argument, ask yourself, "What is this really about?" Get to the deeper issues and heal those. You'll feel freer in life, and you won't get so agitated over small things. When couples resolve their deeper conflicts, the petty disagreements usually dry up on their own. And that makes for a much healthier relationship.

Our staff counselors would be happy to help if you'd like to discuss this matter further. Feel free to call them at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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