parenting

Husband Isn't Pulling His Weight With Childcare Duties

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 7th, 2018

Q: My husband is more than willing to play with the kids. But when it comes to the practical side of parenting -- dinner, diapers, bath times -- I don't think he pulls his weight. What's a woman to do?

Jim: I've heard this complaint from many wives. Men and women often have different understandings about parenting. You may feel it's natural that tasks be shared equally. But for your husband ... well, it might not be so obvious.

It could be he wasn't expected to help around the house when he was younger. Or maybe his parents had clearly defined roles that now guide his thinking.

Whatever the reason, communication between a husband and wife in these situations is key. So start by sharing your concerns and see if, together, you can agree on ways to split household duties to your mutual satisfaction.

If dialogue doesn't do the trick, counselors often suggest you set appropriate boundaries to motivate his involvement. For example, let him know he'll likely have to fix his own dinner since you'll be busy with other things, like feeding and bathing the kids or cleaning the house and grocery shopping. The idea isn't to punish your husband, but to help him understand the realities of the workload around the house. If he's into sports, you might try using team-based descriptions to illustrate how different players may change assignments based on the game situation and play design.

Fortunately, most guys will get the picture and step up. But if this is still a source of tension in your marriage, I invite you to call our staff counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). Or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com for more information.

Q: We have a 4-year-old daughter who is a very picky eater. Every meal seems to turn into a fight. Can you offer some practical ideas for easing this conflict?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: The first thing I'd suggest is this: Don't panic over a finicky child who wants the same food for every meal. I know one family whose two young boys asked for corn dogs and pizza, no matter what was served. The parents didn't give in to those requests, but also didn't leave their sons at the table for hours until they finished their spinach.

When kids are hungry, they eat. As a parent, you get to make the initial choice of what foods are going to be available in the home and shop accordingly. But in that context, try involving your daughter in choosing and making the meals. When children participate in this way, in many cases they inevitably taste a variety of foods and get accustomed to a range of options. They also feel some ownership of the food.

You can be creative and play "gas station" with your 4-year-old at meal times. Explain that filling up our bodies is a lot like driving and riding in cars. You can't skip the gas station; and if you put the wrong fuel in, or none at all, the car/body won't work right. The ideas are endless. As your child gets older, help her identify and distinguish "fuel" foods from "pleasure" foods.

Of course, through the years I have also worked with several children who had sensory issues. This presents a different challenge. If you try various creative ideas to get your child to eat and nothing seems to work, she may need to be evaluated by an occupational therapist. An assessment can help determine if there are any sensory processing issues that create a reaction to certain textures or tastes when it comes to food.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Be Strategic About Staying Committed to New Year's Resolutions

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | December 31st, 2017

Q: The past three years I've made a New Year's resolution to work out and lose weight. And every year I lost momentum within a few weeks. I feel guilty about breaking my promise to my family -- and myself. What can I do differently this year?

Jim: Many of us make some sort of resolution this time of year, and a lot of those involve healthier living. According to psychologists, guilt might get you to start exercising, but it's unlikely to keep you going.

It's a good idea to take a proactive approach to eating right and getting healthy exercise. But you need to be strategic. Michelle Segar, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, suggests the problem is that most of us start an exercise program out of guilt. We feel it's something we have to do. But we'll only continue exercising if we're able to realize that not only does exercise help us feel better, it also improves the quality of our life.

Dr. Segar says society has made the mistake of making exercise feel like a "chore" instead of the gift it really is.

Studies have shown that people who run, walk or go to the gym together tend to exercise much more consistently than those who don't. Some think it's a matter of accountability, but it's more likely due to the fact that most of us thrive in the company of like-minded friends. Among fellow exercisers, a warm camaraderie usually develops -- where people connect on various levels, depending on the stage of life.

So, I suggest that you find a friend or two -- and you might soon find a new and healthy routine. As the saying goes, any load is easier to bear when someone else helps with the lifting.

To help your family thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My husband and I have decided that this coming year, we want to take a strategic approach to how we handle entertainment in our household. Bob, if you could offer every parent just five tips of media advice, what would they be?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: That's a great question. Here are my top-five suggestions:

1) Choose your family entertainment choices based on bettering yourselves. People give all sorts of reasons for their selections. Take movies, for instance. Many will watch a film simply because of the buzz, an ad they saw on TV, who's in it, how it did financially opening weekend and/or the special effects budget. I'm not saying those things are unimportant. But first and foremost, we should be asking: "Will this film make me (and my kids) a better person? Will it inspire, encourage and uplift?" If it doesn't, why bother?

2) Get into your kids' entertainment world. Do you know your children's favorite musicians? Video games? TV shows? Ask today. Then ask at least every six months. Research their choices at PluggedIn.com

3) Know what your children are doing for entertainment when they're at someone else's home. If the form of entertainment doesn't meet your household's standards, be quick to supply a great alternative.

4) Model it. If you as parents privately consume media that you'd be embarrassed about if your kids found out, know this: Someday they will. I don't know why exactly, but it just works that way in life!

5) Put things in writing. When our children were growing up, I wrote out a "family media constitution" that gave us some written guidelines to fall back on. We all signed and dated it. And it helped tremendously. I recommend you post it in a public place in your home.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Reach Out to Those in Need During the Holiday Season

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | December 24th, 2017

Q: We usually do Christmas as "just" our immediate household. A friend suggested we invite some neighbors over. What do you think?

Jim: Christmas is a delightful time of year. The parties, the festive decorations, the music -- everyone seems so cheerful and happy. But not everyone is.

Studies indicate that Christmas is the most likely time of year for people to suffer depression. That's probably because this holiday, more than any other, is a time of joy, celebration and family. Yet, for many, all that positive emotion only highlights the depths of their loss. It could be the passing of a loved one that's left a home empty and cold. Or maybe it's unresolved conflict that's separated a family and kept them distant. Whatever the issue, it's a common time of year for people to struggle against isolation and loneliness.

I understand that feeling all too well. Christmas of my sophomore year of college was a desperate time for me. Having grown up as an orphan, I had no home to go to for the holiday. So while all of my friends were enjoying family dinners, I sat alone in a completely empty dorm with no heat, eating food from the vending machines. During that time, I longed for someone to reach out to me.

This Christmas season there may be hurting people around you. Reach out to them. Let them know you care and help them feel connected. Your simple gesture may be just the ray of hope they need during a lonely and difficult time. And you might well make a new friend or three in the process.

Q: We try to make Christmas a reflective time in our family, emphasizing "the reason for the season." But on Christmas morning, that seems to fly out the window in a flurry of discarded wrapping paper. What can we do to keep things in focus?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Christmas is certainly a time of excitement, especially for little ones who've been eagerly anticipating it. But it's also easy to get caught up in the enthusiasm and lose track of why the presents are under the tree and ready to open. Curbing our human impatience takes intentionality.

I would suggest that you slow down as a family, taking frequent breaks while opening presents to savor the moment before moving on. There's no rule saying you have to open all the gifts in one sitting. Many households pause first to read the Christmas story from the Bible. Some will read a classic Christmas poem or tale. Admittedly, it may be a bit challenging with anxious youngsters eyeing the packages under the tree.

Many families take turns opening gifts one by one, then let the kids enjoy one present for a while. Some stop after a round or two and sing Christmas carols before resuming the unwrapping.

It's always a great idea to incorporate gratitude into the process. For example, before each person opens gifts -- or even each present -- ask him or her to pause to express gratitude. It might be appreciation for a particular character quality of the person who gave the gift ("Grandma is always so patient with me"). Or, acknowledging things that person did or said this year for which you're especially grateful ("John, thanks for encouraging me when I was having a hard time in English class"). The point is to connect the gift with the giver, and the love that's expressed through giving.

It may take a Christmas or two to find a good rhythm as a family. But intentionally slowing things down will help everyone remind themselves of the meaning of Christmas -- and enjoy it even more.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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