parenting

Father-Daughter 'Dates' Can Help Teen See She Is Valued

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | October 15th, 2017

Q: I'm the father of a slightly "boy crazy" 14-year-old daughter. I'm really dreading the whole dating thing as she gets a little older. What can I do to prepare both of us?

Jim: Most fathers with daughters go through the same struggle watching their little girls grow up. I'd suggest you teach your daughter the proper role of dating by taking her out yourself, frequently.

Going on a "date" with Dad has many benefits for a daughter, regardless of her age. For example, as girls develop their identity, they measure themselves against the impossible standard of beauty portrayed by Hollywood. This is where fathers become very important. By spending time with your daughter, you can have a positive influence on her perception of herself.

Also, taking your daughter out on a "date" allows you to model how a man should treat her. By making one-on-one time a priority, you're showing your daughter she is valuable. And your acceptance for who she is will build her self-esteem. You can also help her develop a sense of individuality by listening to her and respecting the opinions she shares. Most importantly, spending time with your daughter regularly keeps her heart open to you.

So get out your calendar and schedule a "date" with your daughter. Let her suggest some activities she would like to do. It doesn't have to take all day, but make sure the time is special by limiting interruptions. The best way to ensure success in your daughter's future dating experiences is to make sure it starts with Dad.

Q: My teenage kids and their friends have all been talking about a TV series called "13 Reasons Why." I've heard some parents say that it's dangerous. What can you tell me about it?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: Netflix's "13 Reasons Why" became a bona-fide cultural phenomenon back in the spring when the streaming service released all 13 episodes simultaneously. While Netflix doesn't give out ratings, a whopping 11 million-plus tweets were fired off about the show in its first three weeks!

To many adolescents, "13 Reasons" can feel both real and relevant -- a window into the stress and strife of high/middle school. But many mental health professionals are especially concerned that the show's graphic depictions of sexual assault, self-harm and suicide may do more harm than good. They have reason to be concerned. To date, multiple people have committed suicide after reportedly being influenced by the show, and sadly, more are likely to follow suit. For instance, two California teens killed themselves just weeks after the episodes were released, and their grieving families blame "13 Reasons" for their deaths. A 23-year-old Peruvian man not only committed suicide but also made audio recordings for the people he believed were to blame (similar to the plot in "13 Reasons").

Even if the show were a cautionary tale about suicide (which I do NOT believe), parents would have more than 13 reasons to steer clear. The show includes two graphic rape scenes, glamorized teen drug and alcohol usage, and language so harsh that it makes many R-rated films look Disney-esque in comparison.

If your teens are talking about the show because it's currently all the rage, I get that. But that doesn't make it wholesome or worthwhile. In fact, because of the way the show glamorizes problematic behaviors, I think it's just begging for further copycatting.

Still, the subjects that this show raises are worth talking about. We have resources at Focus to help you discuss its major themes (suicide, bullying, self-injury, rape and sexting), as well as a review of the show; see www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teens/13-reasons-why-not.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

New Stepmom Trying to Forge Bonds With Husband's Kids

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | October 8th, 2017

Q: I'm a newly married stepmom trying to build family connections -- but my husband's kids aren't exactly warming up to me. What can I do?

Jim: Being a stepmom may be one of the toughest jobs a woman can have. It can take a long time for kids to adjust to a new stepparent, no matter why the previous marriage ended. And in the meantime, home life can be pretty uncomfortable. But your relationship with your stepkids can thrive if you make respect your primary goal.

Stepmoms often respond to tension by trying even harder to create a loving mother/child relationship. That's understandable, but it usually doesn't work. If your stepchild feels pressured to love you as much as their biological mother, it'll drive them further away. That's just not a relationship they're ready for.

Authors Kathi Lipp and Carol Boley, who have both walked this challenging road, suggest a practical new approach in their book, "But I'm Not a Wicked Stepmother!" Instead of attempting to take on the full role of "mom" right away, interact with the kids more like a loving aunt or even a camp counselor. That will usually minimize the pressure everyone feels to create an intimate mother/child bond. Make mutual respect the primary goal, and the loving relationship you're hoping for will have a chance to develop more naturally.

Meanwhile, you and your husband can smooth the path by working as a united team. Discuss and set household guidelines together, and model respect toward every member of the blended family equally.

If you could use some more help adjusting to your role as a stepmom, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How do I deal with a chronically late spouse? He's late for everything, except work. That makes me late, too, when we're going somewhere together. It reflects poorly on me, and I think it's disrespectful to others.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: To some extent, punctuality can be more critical in some situations than in others. "On time" can mean one thing at the office or in the classroom, but in less formal settings there's a lot more room for interpretation.

You need to begin with an honest conversation with your husband. Compare and contrast your personal definitions of the phrase "on time." Remember to use "I based" language as much as possible. Instead of blaming and accusing, say something like, "Here's what I'm aiming for when I think in terms of getting somewhere within a reasonable time frame. And this is how I feel when we're late. Can you see where I'm coming from? What do you think we should do about it?"

If you determine that your spouse's chronic lateness is connected to irresponsibility, passive-aggressive behavior or a conscious intent to offend, then some accountability may be justified. But if it's simply part of his personality, you may need to exercise grace. Remember, different people approach life differently. Some are highly organized, while others aren't. Some operate on a schedule, while others live so intensely "in the moment" that they have no sense of time and pay no attention to the ticking of the clock.

If differences of this kind are the sources of the conflict between you, you may have to figure out a way to accept the situation and move on. If you can't accept it -- even though you're convinced that there's no ill will on your spouse's part -- you may need to examine yourself to find out why his lateness bothers you so much. If worse comes to worst, it might be necessary to take two cars when you're trying to make it to a party or dinner date on time.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Father Concerned With Upcoming Deployment's Impact on Family

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | October 1st, 2017

Q: I'm a soldier getting ready to deploy overseas (again). Previous deployments have negatively impacted my relationship with my kids. My wife and I want to be proactive this time; do you have any suggestions?

Jim: I thank you for your service, and my heart goes out to your family. Life can be tough for military households, especially when one of the parents is deployed. But it is possible to have an influence at home when you're half a world away.

For example, use recorded messages. Before being deployed, make some videos of yourself reading stories to the kids, telling them you love them, encouraging them to obey Mom and so on. Many families also use Skype or similar technology to allow the deployed parent to interact with the family in real-time.

Also, spouses should consult and consort whenever possible. Even when you're overseas, you should talk about major decisions that will impact the family. Make sure the kids know that Mom and Dad are still making decisions together.

Families should also communicate in both directions. Mom can send Dad pictures of the kids and their artwork and school projects -- maybe even video clips of them in their everyday routine. At the same time, the family needs to hear from the deployed father, even if he just has the energy to say he's tired and will share more later. (These same principles apply when Mom is the one who's deployed.)

With a little work, a spouse at home can help keep the deployed parent at the center of the family, even from thousands of miles away. We have plenty of information for military households at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How do we encourage our preschooler to develop his strong penchant for fantasy and make-believe in a positive way? We see his lively imagination as a good thing, but we're also concerned to help him avoid extremes. Do you have any advice?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Imagination can help your child come up with creative solutions to problems throughout life, including boredom. It's fun to watch kids imagine -- and even join in!

A healthy imagination will motivate a child to launch out into the world and learn about it with curiosity and confidence, rather than with fear. You can help stimulate this kind of exploration by encouraging your child to ask questions, take part in family conversations and engage with good books. Reading prompts us to visualize the story in our own minds, which engages the imagination.

Pretending to be a positive character, and creating his own adventures, can be exciting and helpful to your son's development. But if he imagines being the villain, don't panic; that's normal (especially for boys). Keep your eyes and ears open for inappropriate characters (e.g., relentless evildoers), destructive scenarios, or an emphasis on themes that are best left until adolescence or beyond. Help redirect the play toward a story line that fits the values in your home.

You also need to help your preschooler understand the difference between truth and make-believe on a day-to-day basis. With so much to learn about the world, and so much going on inside his head, the boundaries between reality and fantasy can wear thin at times. Your son should learn that imagination is like TV -- you can't have it on all the time. Help him learn appropriate times for imagination to be flowing. Balance is always good to learn, even with imagination.

Here at Focus on the Family, we believe in the "theater of the mind" and produce the "Adventures in Odyssey" audio dramas to encourage character development; see whitsend.org. You can also visit us online at focusonthefamily.com/parenting for more tips.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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