Q: I'm a newly married stepmom trying to build family connections -- but my husband's kids aren't exactly warming up to me. What can I do?

Jim: Being a stepmom may be one of the toughest jobs a woman can have. It can take a long time for kids to adjust to a new stepparent, no matter why the previous marriage ended. And in the meantime, home life can be pretty uncomfortable. But your relationship with your stepkids can thrive if you make respect your primary goal.

Stepmoms often respond to tension by trying even harder to create a loving mother/child relationship. That's understandable, but it usually doesn't work. If your stepchild feels pressured to love you as much as their biological mother, it'll drive them further away. That's just not a relationship they're ready for.

Authors Kathi Lipp and Carol Boley, who have both walked this challenging road, suggest a practical new approach in their book, "But I'm Not a Wicked Stepmother!" Instead of attempting to take on the full role of "mom" right away, interact with the kids more like a loving aunt or even a camp counselor. That will usually minimize the pressure everyone feels to create an intimate mother/child bond. Make mutual respect the primary goal, and the loving relationship you're hoping for will have a chance to develop more naturally.

Meanwhile, you and your husband can smooth the path by working as a united team. Discuss and set household guidelines together, and model respect toward every member of the blended family equally.

If you could use some more help adjusting to your role as a stepmom, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How do I deal with a chronically late spouse? He's late for everything, except work. That makes me late, too, when we're going somewhere together. It reflects poorly on me, and I think it's disrespectful to others.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: To some extent, punctuality can be more critical in some situations than in others. "On time" can mean one thing at the office or in the classroom, but in less formal settings there's a lot more room for interpretation.

You need to begin with an honest conversation with your husband. Compare and contrast your personal definitions of the phrase "on time." Remember to use "I based" language as much as possible. Instead of blaming and accusing, say something like, "Here's what I'm aiming for when I think in terms of getting somewhere within a reasonable time frame. And this is how I feel when we're late. Can you see where I'm coming from? What do you think we should do about it?"

If you determine that your spouse's chronic lateness is connected to irresponsibility, passive-aggressive behavior or a conscious intent to offend, then some accountability may be justified. But if it's simply part of his personality, you may need to exercise grace. Remember, different people approach life differently. Some are highly organized, while others aren't. Some operate on a schedule, while others live so intensely "in the moment" that they have no sense of time and pay no attention to the ticking of the clock.

If differences of this kind are the sources of the conflict between you, you may have to figure out a way to accept the situation and move on. If you can't accept it -- even though you're convinced that there's no ill will on your spouse's part -- you may need to examine yourself to find out why his lateness bothers you so much. If worse comes to worst, it might be necessary to take two cars when you're trying to make it to a party or dinner date on time.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm a soldier getting ready to deploy overseas (again). Previous deployments have negatively impacted my relationship with my kids. My wife and I want to be proactive this time; do you have any suggestions?

Jim: I thank you for your service, and my heart goes out to your family. Life can be tough for military households, especially when one of the parents is deployed. But it is possible to have an influence at home when you're half a world away.

For example, use recorded messages. Before being deployed, make some videos of yourself reading stories to the kids, telling them you love them, encouraging them to obey Mom and so on. Many families also use Skype or similar technology to allow the deployed parent to interact with the family in real-time.

Also, spouses should consult and consort whenever possible. Even when you're overseas, you should talk about major decisions that will impact the family. Make sure the kids know that Mom and Dad are still making decisions together.

Families should also communicate in both directions. Mom can send Dad pictures of the kids and their artwork and school projects -- maybe even video clips of them in their everyday routine. At the same time, the family needs to hear from the deployed father, even if he just has the energy to say he's tired and will share more later. (These same principles apply when Mom is the one who's deployed.)

With a little work, a spouse at home can help keep the deployed parent at the center of the family, even from thousands of miles away. We have plenty of information for military households at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How do we encourage our preschooler to develop his strong penchant for fantasy and make-believe in a positive way? We see his lively imagination as a good thing, but we're also concerned to help him avoid extremes. Do you have any advice?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Imagination can help your child come up with creative solutions to problems throughout life, including boredom. It's fun to watch kids imagine -- and even join in!

A healthy imagination will motivate a child to launch out into the world and learn about it with curiosity and confidence, rather than with fear. You can help stimulate this kind of exploration by encouraging your child to ask questions, take part in family conversations and engage with good books. Reading prompts us to visualize the story in our own minds, which engages the imagination.

Pretending to be a positive character, and creating his own adventures, can be exciting and helpful to your son's development. But if he imagines being the villain, don't panic; that's normal (especially for boys). Keep your eyes and ears open for inappropriate characters (e.g., relentless evildoers), destructive scenarios, or an emphasis on themes that are best left until adolescence or beyond. Help redirect the play toward a story line that fits the values in your home.

You also need to help your preschooler understand the difference between truth and make-believe on a day-to-day basis. With so much to learn about the world, and so much going on inside his head, the boundaries between reality and fantasy can wear thin at times. Your son should learn that imagination is like TV -- you can't have it on all the time. Help him learn appropriate times for imagination to be flowing. Balance is always good to learn, even with imagination.

Here at Focus on the Family, we believe in the "theater of the mind" and produce the "Adventures in Odyssey" audio dramas to encourage character development; see whitsend.org. You can also visit us online at focusonthefamily.com/parenting for more tips.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our 14-year-old daughter has recently become obsessed with her appearance. She'll practically lock herself in her bedroom or bathroom until she gets her hair, makeup and clothes perfect. What can we do as her parents to help her keep her perspective?

Jim: It's no secret that teens today -- and especially girls -- are pressured from all directions about their appearance. Social media only makes it worse. So you want to be proactive about helping your daughter balance her desire for outer beauty with her inner self-confidence.

Many parents don't have a plan. Mom says to Dad, "You need to talk to her." And Dad says to Mom, "You're a woman. This is your territory." But your teenage daughter needs to hear that she's beautiful from both of you -- frequently. Tell her she's beautiful. Fill her soul with words of affirmation that bring her heart to life.

But just as important as what your daughter hears from you is what she sees from you. Mom, she'll watch how much emphasis you place on outer beauty and how positively or negatively you talk about yourself. Dad, your daughter will notice how you treat women. If she sees you objectifying women, she may believe it's OK for men to treat her the same way.

Here's what I suggest: Don't overemphasize your daughter's outer beauty or her inner beauty. Address her as a whole person. Teach her that she's a unique human being with a body, a soul and a spirit. Help her to balance what she sees in the mirror and who she is on the inside. That's how she'll discover genuine happiness.

P.S. Your daughter might be interested in our organization's Brio magazine for teen girls. Call 1-800-232-6459 or see FocusOnTheFamily.com for details.

Q: How can my spouse and I work through our many unresolved conflicts? At this point, we're practically living separate lives, and the problem is only getting worse. Should we simply agree to disagree about our differences?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Differences are usually what attract partners to one another. Agreeing to disagree, when it's appropriate, is realistic. But it's silly and pointless to stay divided over issues that really don't matter. Here are some steps you can take to deal with the more formidable conflicts in your marriage:

-- First, realize that you learn to work through conflict by confronting the issue -- not by avoiding it.

-- Remember the purpose of confronting the conflict: resolution. Your ultimate goal is to reconcile and make your relationship even stronger. Winning the battle isn't important. What matters is continuing to strengthen your bond.

-- Don't procrastinate. Conflict resolution should be undertaken as soon as either party recognizes that he or she is feeling upset.

-- Take turns expressing your feelings about the conflict at hand. Listen to your mate carefully. Use "I" statements instead of attacking the other person -- for instance, "I feel hurt when you don't follow through," rather than, "You're so irresponsible."

-- Specifically express your need to your spouse. Then come up with a mutually satisfactory plan of action. For example, say something like, "It would help me if you'd take out the trash as soon as you agree to do it." Once you've established this, write out a schedule specifying that the trash is to be taken out every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. That way, both of you will have the same expectation.

-- Find another couple or a counselor who will commit to keeping both of you accountable. Share the plan of action you've agreed upon. Knowing that someone is holding you accountable can help you follow through.

If you need help sorting things out, please call our counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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