Q: Our 14-year-old daughter has recently become obsessed with her appearance. She'll practically lock herself in her bedroom or bathroom until she gets her hair, makeup and clothes perfect. What can we do as her parents to help her keep her perspective?

Jim: It's no secret that teens today -- and especially girls -- are pressured from all directions about their appearance. Social media only makes it worse. So you want to be proactive about helping your daughter balance her desire for outer beauty with her inner self-confidence.

Many parents don't have a plan. Mom says to Dad, "You need to talk to her." And Dad says to Mom, "You're a woman. This is your territory." But your teenage daughter needs to hear that she's beautiful from both of you -- frequently. Tell her she's beautiful. Fill her soul with words of affirmation that bring her heart to life.

But just as important as what your daughter hears from you is what she sees from you. Mom, she'll watch how much emphasis you place on outer beauty and how positively or negatively you talk about yourself. Dad, your daughter will notice how you treat women. If she sees you objectifying women, she may believe it's OK for men to treat her the same way.

Here's what I suggest: Don't overemphasize your daughter's outer beauty or her inner beauty. Address her as a whole person. Teach her that she's a unique human being with a body, a soul and a spirit. Help her to balance what she sees in the mirror and who she is on the inside. That's how she'll discover genuine happiness.

P.S. Your daughter might be interested in our organization's Brio magazine for teen girls. Call 1-800-232-6459 or see FocusOnTheFamily.com for details.

Q: How can my spouse and I work through our many unresolved conflicts? At this point, we're practically living separate lives, and the problem is only getting worse. Should we simply agree to disagree about our differences?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Differences are usually what attract partners to one another. Agreeing to disagree, when it's appropriate, is realistic. But it's silly and pointless to stay divided over issues that really don't matter. Here are some steps you can take to deal with the more formidable conflicts in your marriage:

-- First, realize that you learn to work through conflict by confronting the issue -- not by avoiding it.

-- Remember the purpose of confronting the conflict: resolution. Your ultimate goal is to reconcile and make your relationship even stronger. Winning the battle isn't important. What matters is continuing to strengthen your bond.

-- Don't procrastinate. Conflict resolution should be undertaken as soon as either party recognizes that he or she is feeling upset.

-- Take turns expressing your feelings about the conflict at hand. Listen to your mate carefully. Use "I" statements instead of attacking the other person -- for instance, "I feel hurt when you don't follow through," rather than, "You're so irresponsible."

-- Specifically express your need to your spouse. Then come up with a mutually satisfactory plan of action. For example, say something like, "It would help me if you'd take out the trash as soon as you agree to do it." Once you've established this, write out a schedule specifying that the trash is to be taken out every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. That way, both of you will have the same expectation.

-- Find another couple or a counselor who will commit to keeping both of you accountable. Share the plan of action you've agreed upon. Knowing that someone is holding you accountable can help you follow through.

If you need help sorting things out, please call our counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: After 15 years of marriage, I'm starting to realize that I take my wife for granted. I want to start honoring her better, but I'm not sure where to start.

Jim: Here's an illustration that might come as a surprise: ballet. A friend once told me about a famous Russian choreographer who said, "The ballet is woman." What he meant is that the beauty of the dance is primarily captured by a woman's grace, her strength and her expression of beauty through the language of movement.

The male ballet dancer's primary role is to showcase his female partner. When he lifts her and twirls her, she should glow in the spotlight and wow the audience. When he uses his strength to support her through her most difficult steps, he helps her achieve more from her performance than she could on her own. Then, while the audience rewards her with a thunderous standing ovation, the male dancer steps back into the shadows while she is celebrated and adored.

What if we husbands adopted that same attitude toward our wives? What if men asked themselves, "How can I showcase my wife and honor her? How can I support her so that other people see the beautiful woman that I see? How can I bring out the best in her?" Don't just love your wife; cherish her.

I agree with the dancer who said, "My job is to make the beautiful yet more beautiful." I think that's the job of every husband as well.

Q: How can I tell if our teenager is faking an illness to get out of school? He often complains of not feeling well on school day mornings, but interestingly enough, his symptoms usually disappear by midafternoon and rarely surface at all on weekends. Is it wrong of me to distrust him?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Many kids struggle with overwhelming stress and the anxiety of going to school. It may be that your son truly does not feel well because of this. (For example, our emotions affect our digestive system.) Consider taking him to a doctor and/or a counselor who could help determine what might be contributing to these morning episodes. If a medical evaluation uncovers a specific diagnosis, come to an agreement about what should be done -- including the parameters for going to school versus staying home.

If the problem doesn't appear to be an ongoing physical illness, ask your son what he thinks about the night before school or on school day mornings. Discuss what is happening socially at school, in the neighborhood or at church. Ask questions with no obvious right or wrong answer ("Who do you like to hang out with?" or "What's your least favorite class?" or "What causes you the most stress?"). This may provide opportunity to talk about things that influence how he is feeling emotionally and physically.

Armed with that information, there are several practical things you can do to help your son. Look at how you handle stress, and proactively model how to do so in healthy ways. Work with him to find and practice what best helps him to process anxiety, according to his personality and interests.

Also, acknowledge that life can be scary and also managed. Help your child feel heard and validated. Remind him that you're on his team and care deeply for him. Help him feel safe in sharing what troubles him.

Finally, set some positive goals together (attendance, grades, etc.) and celebrate as those objectives are met.

Again, don't be afraid to seek help as you go through this process. We can help you find a local counselor through our referral network; visit FocusOnTheFamily.com or call 1-800-232-6459.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife just got a new job with a substantially better salary, and I received a significant promotion. We're empty-nesters and want to handle our increased income responsibly. (We haven't always been the best financial decision makers in the past.) What should we keep in mind?

Jim: This isn't really a question about the best way to use your money. That's a highly subjective issue that we can't possibly resolve for you. What you really want is a broader set of principles. Financial expert Ron Blue suggests the following criteria-based model for making fiscal decisions:

-- For people of faith -- pray together about how to handle your money.

-- Define your decision. What's the question? Many times your decision statement will include such words as "choose," "select" and "best."

-- Clarify your objectives. What are you trying to achieve? What are the decision criteria?

-- Prioritize your objectives. What are the non-negotiables? What are the trade-offs?

-- Identify your alternatives.

-- Evaluate your alternatives. What are the facts?

-- Make a preliminary decision.

-- Assess the risk. What could go wrong here?

-- Make the final decision.

-- Test the decision.

This multistep matrix has a number of benefits. Perhaps the most important is its capacity for maximizing objectivity, minimizing bias and thus defusing emotion-based disagreements. If you discuss and apply it carefully, you will separate the relevant data from the trivial, provide direction for your thinking and set the stage for consensus as a household.

Q: I'm a woman who has been happily married for six years. I have several close "guy buddies" at work, and I know my husband is in a similar setting with some women at his workplace. My male friends get a little flirty with me sometimes, and I'm sure it's the same for my husband. As long as nothing happens, it's all harmless, right?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Maybe you don't think of infatuation as a mind-altering drug. But counselor Dave Carder has spent the past 30 years studying the causes of infidelity. He believes infatuation is as powerful as any substance out there.

Carder says most people don't wake up and decide, "I think I'll ruin my marriage today." Affairs usually come about slowly, without people realizing they're drifting into dangerous emotional territory. Infatuation is especially hazardous because it evolves from everyday relationships. Associating with co-workers, neighbors and family friends is appropriate in the typical sense. But when two people are together day after day, infatuation is a real possibility. It can develop before anyone realizes it's happening.

People consumed by infatuation do crazy things. They behave as if they're literally under the influence of a mind-altering substance. And to Dave Carder's point, they are. Infatuated people are drunk with emotion. They don't make rational decisions or care how their choices impact everyone else.

To protect your marriage, keep on the lookout for danger signs that your emotions are drifting. It may start by saving topics of conversation for somebody other than your spouse because, in your mind, they understand you better. Or you may share intimate details about your marriage with that person. Your feelings have definitely gone too far when you look forward to seeing the other person more than your spouse.

These indicators are often subtle, but they're important. When your marriage goes through a dry spell -- and all relationships do -- you can easily become infatuated with someone else. You may lose all sense of reason; then almost nothing will prevent you from having an affair. So to avoid making one of the biggest mistakes of your life, keep an eye on your relationships and your emotions in check.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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