Q: After 15 years of marriage, I'm starting to realize that I take my wife for granted. I want to start honoring her better, but I'm not sure where to start.

Jim: Here's an illustration that might come as a surprise: ballet. A friend once told me about a famous Russian choreographer who said, "The ballet is woman." What he meant is that the beauty of the dance is primarily captured by a woman's grace, her strength and her expression of beauty through the language of movement.

The male ballet dancer's primary role is to showcase his female partner. When he lifts her and twirls her, she should glow in the spotlight and wow the audience. When he uses his strength to support her through her most difficult steps, he helps her achieve more from her performance than she could on her own. Then, while the audience rewards her with a thunderous standing ovation, the male dancer steps back into the shadows while she is celebrated and adored.

What if we husbands adopted that same attitude toward our wives? What if men asked themselves, "How can I showcase my wife and honor her? How can I support her so that other people see the beautiful woman that I see? How can I bring out the best in her?" Don't just love your wife; cherish her.

I agree with the dancer who said, "My job is to make the beautiful yet more beautiful." I think that's the job of every husband as well.

Q: How can I tell if our teenager is faking an illness to get out of school? He often complains of not feeling well on school day mornings, but interestingly enough, his symptoms usually disappear by midafternoon and rarely surface at all on weekends. Is it wrong of me to distrust him?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Many kids struggle with overwhelming stress and the anxiety of going to school. It may be that your son truly does not feel well because of this. (For example, our emotions affect our digestive system.) Consider taking him to a doctor and/or a counselor who could help determine what might be contributing to these morning episodes. If a medical evaluation uncovers a specific diagnosis, come to an agreement about what should be done -- including the parameters for going to school versus staying home.

If the problem doesn't appear to be an ongoing physical illness, ask your son what he thinks about the night before school or on school day mornings. Discuss what is happening socially at school, in the neighborhood or at church. Ask questions with no obvious right or wrong answer ("Who do you like to hang out with?" or "What's your least favorite class?" or "What causes you the most stress?"). This may provide opportunity to talk about things that influence how he is feeling emotionally and physically.

Armed with that information, there are several practical things you can do to help your son. Look at how you handle stress, and proactively model how to do so in healthy ways. Work with him to find and practice what best helps him to process anxiety, according to his personality and interests.

Also, acknowledge that life can be scary and also managed. Help your child feel heard and validated. Remind him that you're on his team and care deeply for him. Help him feel safe in sharing what troubles him.

Finally, set some positive goals together (attendance, grades, etc.) and celebrate as those objectives are met.

Again, don't be afraid to seek help as you go through this process. We can help you find a local counselor through our referral network; visit FocusOnTheFamily.com or call 1-800-232-6459.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife just got a new job with a substantially better salary, and I received a significant promotion. We're empty-nesters and want to handle our increased income responsibly. (We haven't always been the best financial decision makers in the past.) What should we keep in mind?

Jim: This isn't really a question about the best way to use your money. That's a highly subjective issue that we can't possibly resolve for you. What you really want is a broader set of principles. Financial expert Ron Blue suggests the following criteria-based model for making fiscal decisions:

-- For people of faith -- pray together about how to handle your money.

-- Define your decision. What's the question? Many times your decision statement will include such words as "choose," "select" and "best."

-- Clarify your objectives. What are you trying to achieve? What are the decision criteria?

-- Prioritize your objectives. What are the non-negotiables? What are the trade-offs?

-- Identify your alternatives.

-- Evaluate your alternatives. What are the facts?

-- Make a preliminary decision.

-- Assess the risk. What could go wrong here?

-- Make the final decision.

-- Test the decision.

This multistep matrix has a number of benefits. Perhaps the most important is its capacity for maximizing objectivity, minimizing bias and thus defusing emotion-based disagreements. If you discuss and apply it carefully, you will separate the relevant data from the trivial, provide direction for your thinking and set the stage for consensus as a household.

Q: I'm a woman who has been happily married for six years. I have several close "guy buddies" at work, and I know my husband is in a similar setting with some women at his workplace. My male friends get a little flirty with me sometimes, and I'm sure it's the same for my husband. As long as nothing happens, it's all harmless, right?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Maybe you don't think of infatuation as a mind-altering drug. But counselor Dave Carder has spent the past 30 years studying the causes of infidelity. He believes infatuation is as powerful as any substance out there.

Carder says most people don't wake up and decide, "I think I'll ruin my marriage today." Affairs usually come about slowly, without people realizing they're drifting into dangerous emotional territory. Infatuation is especially hazardous because it evolves from everyday relationships. Associating with co-workers, neighbors and family friends is appropriate in the typical sense. But when two people are together day after day, infatuation is a real possibility. It can develop before anyone realizes it's happening.

People consumed by infatuation do crazy things. They behave as if they're literally under the influence of a mind-altering substance. And to Dave Carder's point, they are. Infatuated people are drunk with emotion. They don't make rational decisions or care how their choices impact everyone else.

To protect your marriage, keep on the lookout for danger signs that your emotions are drifting. It may start by saving topics of conversation for somebody other than your spouse because, in your mind, they understand you better. Or you may share intimate details about your marriage with that person. Your feelings have definitely gone too far when you look forward to seeing the other person more than your spouse.

These indicators are often subtle, but they're important. When your marriage goes through a dry spell -- and all relationships do -- you can easily become infatuated with someone else. You may lose all sense of reason; then almost nothing will prevent you from having an affair. So to avoid making one of the biggest mistakes of your life, keep an eye on your relationships and your emotions in check.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My parents recently got divorced because my mom was having an affair. Now she's moved in with this other man and plans to marry him within a few weeks. My husband and I are struggling with this situation. Should we readily accept her new husband?

Jim: It sounds like you're caught in an understandable conflict between two opposing elements. You will always love your mom, but that doesn't mean you are bound to approve of her choices and actions, especially when they've been hurtful and damaging to the rest of the family.

Remember, your mother is the one who has created this awkward situation by choosing to disregard her marriage vows. She needs to understand that her actions and choices have real-life consequences. From our perspective, it's both insensitive and unfair of her to demand that the rest of the family embrace her new boyfriend with open arms. Your mom needs to accept responsibility for what she's done and realize that her actions have had a profoundly negative impact on the people who love her most.

I'd suggest that you draw a very definite line in the sand. Strong boundaries are healthy; "normalizing" brokenness is not. Tell your mom that you are willing to welcome her at family gatherings as long as she is willing to respect your values and standards, and to honor them when she's with your family and in your home. Remind her that she has deeply hurt everyone in the family by deciding to become involved with another man. Say something like, "I love you and care about you, but I don't approve of this relationship."

You and your husband can then decide together how to proceed going forward. As your mother's son-in-law rather than her own flesh-and-blood child, he may be able to say some things for you.

If you would like to discuss this situation further with our staff counselors, call them at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: Our second child is almost 3 years old. She doesn't respond to any of the parenting strategies that worked well with her older sister. We're stumped and stressed. What are we doing wrong?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: This is really about adapting to the differences from person to person. Many parents think raising children is like following a recipe -- use the same ingredients every time, and the cookies always come out the same, right? We know that's not quite the case.

Children are individuals. They don't all share the same talents, aptitudes and perceptions. Just because Son No. 1 is capable of straight A's, that doesn't mean you can expect his brother to achieve the same. And one daughter may be a great athlete, while her sister might be a brilliant musician. Each child has his or her own way of viewing, interpreting and engaging in their world.

Treating each child the same way makes sense to us because we think we're being fair. It may be fair, but it's not really most effective. Core values -- honesty, respect, etc. -- should be expected of everyone in the home. But that leaves plenty of room to tailor your expectations to your child's personality. Push some kids to work harder in school, and they'll rise to the challenge. Others will struggle even more. Some children thrive under rules and discipline. Others rebel at the slightest form of discipline, and may require a more creative approach to correction.

You have to study and know each of your kids, and invest the time and energy to connect, correct and redirect them according to what motivates them as an individual. A good starting point is the helpful, research-based and reliable 7 Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment at www.focusonthefamily.com/7traits.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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