parenting

Single Adult Considers Whether to Adopt an Orphan

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | July 16th, 2017

Q: I'm a single adult who is deeply concerned about the plight of orphans in this country and around the world, and I'd like to do my part by adopting a child who needs a home. What is your advice?

Jim: I applaud your selfless attitude and your willingness to welcome a needy child into your home; the need for more adoptive parents is huge.

That said, Focus on the Family remains committed to the ideal that the two-parent home -- founded on a loving marriage relationship between one man and one woman -- is the optimum environment for every child. This is our Creator's design for the family, and we're convinced that it's the best arrangement for all concerned. Studies overwhelmingly demonstrate that children do best in all measurable ways when they're in stable homes with a mother and a father.

That's why -- and as most single moms and dads would be the first to confirm -- single-parenting is a stiff challenge even under the most favorable circumstances. So I would counsel anyone who is considering this option to proceed with great care.

Furthermore, moms and dads are innately different. Academic research has demonstrated the importance of a father's protective influence, especially for boys. Mothers provide nurturing and emotional comfort that brings security. Both gender roles are of immeasurable significance, and an individual must consider how to address these concerns in a creative and intentional way as he or she evaluates whether to become a single parent.

It's also important to make a careful assessment of your resources. Are you financially capable of providing for a child's material needs? Will you have the support of friends and extended family? Have you thought about education, values training and child care? Are your current living quarters large enough to accommodate another person?

Our staff counselors would be happy to talk with you about these issues and any other concerns you may have. Please call them at 1-800-232-6459. I wish you the best.

Q: I'm trying to educate our 14-year-old daughter about "best practices" for social media before we let her create her own account(s). I like to get input from various sources. What would you suggest?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: First, I commend you for being intentional to educate your daughter on how best to navigate today's social media. I compiled a list that I've entitled "The Top-10 Social Media Rules" for all ages, but most are especially applicable for teens:

1) Always be kind -- treat others the way you want to be treated.

2) View social media as a way to give; consider how things you post can benefit others.

3) Set privacy settings, including location.

4) Don't chat/message someone you don't personally know in the "real" world.

5) Please, no sleaze! Modesty trumps "likes" when posting photos. (And remember that everything you post will be available for future "significant others" -- and employers -- to see.)

6) Nothing should be truly private. Know your children's passwords and convey that you'll be friending them and reading their posts. Be sure your kids can read yours, too.

7) Refuse to share a post that you haven't personally verified; that free dinner may just be a scam.

8) Limit your social media consumption/posting to just a few times per day, with parental input.

9) Avoid crudities, vulgarities, profanities or symbols for such. Don't say it online if you wouldn't say it to someone's face.

10) Re-read carefully before you post -- without facial expressions and personal contact, the best-intended post may be misinterpreted.

I'd suggest cutting out this list and discussing each guideline with your daughter, then placing it somewhere visible for reference.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Talk to Your Teens About Marriage to Prepare Them for Adulthood

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | July 9th, 2017

Q: My son and daughter are 15 and 13, respectively. I'm trying to cover all the bases in helping them prepare for adulthood. Is there something you've seen parents neglect or just forget to talk about?

Jim: Parents rightfully want teenagers to learn important life lessons -- financial management, work ethic, etc. And those are good things to teach to our children. But there's another topic moms and dads often overlook: marriage!

You're probably thinking: "Talk to my teenagers about marriage? I'm just hoping to get them through the dating years in one piece!" But conversations about marriage aren't something that should be ignored in the teen years.

Marriage is an enormous commitment, and yet parents generally do very little to prepare their kids for it. That's why I think it's best to weave healthy principles about marriage throughout a child's upbringing. Boys should be taught from a young age what it means to serve their wife, to honor her and to treat her with dignity. Girls should learn the value of motherhood and how marriage can enhance her identity as a woman, rather than detract from it.

Values like these can even have a positive impact on single young adults. They'll be better equipped to have a healthy dating life. And they'll also be more likely to wait for the right relationship, instead of jumping into the first thing that comes along.

So don't wait until your kids are deeply entrenched in a romantic relationship before talking to them about marriage. Proactively teach them how to have a healthy relationship, so they'll be able to make a good decision when it counts.

For more tips to help your family thrive at all stages of life, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How can we help our 2-year-old adjust to having a new baby sister? He whines and cries for Mommy (me) all the time, and lately he's been misbehaving as a way of getting our attention. Is this normal?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Yes, it's perfectly normal. Your older child has been the center of attention in your family. Now a screaming, crying little stranger has suddenly appeared on the scene and upset his world, demanding huge amounts of your time and attention. It's only natural that he feels a bit put out.

There are several strategies you can adopt to smooth the transition. First, it's important for Dad to take an active, involved role with both toddler and baby. When you're nursing or tending to the infant, your husband could engage the older child in some kind of fun one-on-one activity, giving the boy his full attention. On the other side of the coin, Dad could give you frequent breaks by changing, rocking, burping and generally helping care for the baby whenever possible. That will enable you to also spend some special time with your toddler each day.

Many parents notice some regressive behavior on the part of their toddler after a new baby arrives. For example, the child may try to climb into the infant's crib or suddenly forget his potty training skills. One way to counter this is to affirm your toddler for his "grown-up" capabilities and to point out some of the advantages of being older. You might say something like, "You're such a big boy now! You can go to the park and ride on the swings. The baby is too little to do that." Your older child needs to be reassured that he's special and unique. So let him know that you love him and praise him generously when he's helpful or kind toward the baby.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Husband Mistakenly Assumes His Anger Is Uncontrollable

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | July 2nd, 2017

Q: I don't get violent when I'm angry, but I've always had a tendency to just "let it out" when I get frustrated with my wife and kids. That's how my parents lived and how I was raised. What's the problem?

Jim: A lot of people see anger as an uncontrollable emotion. But that's not true. Not only can you control how you express your anger, you probably already do it.

Here's an example. You're in your car with your spouse, headed to a friend's home for dinner. It's supposed to be a fun evening, but the two of you are locked in a heated argument. No one else is around, so you both let your anger run loose, snapping at each other all the way across town. Maybe you even continue arguing as you're walking up to the house.

But what happens as soon as your friends open the front door? Suddenly, you and your spouse are all smiles and you're behaving as if there's nothing wrong between the two of you.

The issue isn't that you don't have the ability to control your emotion, it's that you don't want to exercise that ability. Anger is a powerful emotion, and you may feel better letting your frustration spew all over your family. But as empowering as it may feel, uncontrolled anger usually causes more damage than it solves. Anger can be restrained, but it takes deliberate, conscious effort.

If you need a jump start in learning how to deal with anger in a healthy way, I'd invite you to speak with one of our staff counselors at 1-800-232-6459.

Q: What should I do if I fear that my marriage may have been a mistake? It's only been a short time since the wedding, and already I'm beginning to think that I've married the wrong person.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Simply put, marriage is not primarily about "finding the right person." It's about being the right person.

You can begin by working on yourself. If you entered marriage with the expectation that you were going to find happiness in your mate, you were probably disappointed. The range of emotions that we normally experience as unmarried individuals has the potential to become even wider in marriage. If you and your spouse were unhappy and unfulfilled as singles, those feelings of discontentment can sink even lower after you tie the knot. But if you each have a sense of deep individual meaning and purpose, and a desire to share your goals in a lifetime of mutual commitment, your satisfaction level can increase as you come together. The object lesson is obvious: If you want to be content living with another person, you have to learn to be content in who you are.

Second, shake off the lingering influences of premarital romance and learn to appreciate your spouse for who he or she really is. During courtship, both spouses-to-be tend to get excited about this wonderful new relationship. As a result, they fill in any perceived gaps in their loved one's personality. Accept that you're now married to a person who has flaws -- just like you have.

Third, remind yourself of the true meaning of love. Erich Fromm wrote: "To love somebody is not just a strong feeling -- it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were just a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever."

If you continue to struggle practicing this kind of love in your marriage, please call our counselors at the number above.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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