Q: I'm a single mom with three young children, working full time and taking online college courses. The burden of doing it all myself is getting heavier. My history with relationships isn't the best; still, the idea of having a husband to help out sounds increasingly appealing. Do you have any advice?

Jim: It's natural that a woman in your position should desire to find a man to share her life and help her shoulder the burden of raising three children. It sounds like you're exceptionally busy -- perhaps even over-committed -- and it's reasonable to think that a husband could be a great support to you. Not to mention that all the best research indicates that children thrive better in a two-parent household.

Nevertheless, you have to be cautious about entering into a relationship on the basis of this kind of need. As you probably know, marriage isn't simply a pragmatic partnership. A spouse is something more than a provider, a housekeeper, a nanny or an assistant parent.

I would strongly encourage you to get some counseling and take a hard look at the relationships you've had in the past. You want to do everything you can to avoid repeating unhealthy patterns. You also need to do the personal work necessary to grow and heal so you're ready should that special individual come along. Success in marriage is as much (or more) about being the right person as finding the right person. Our staff counselors can help you start this process; call them at 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).

Meanwhile, try to develop friendships with other moms. Work on building connections with caring women in your neighborhood, church and community. Join a baby-sitting co-op so you can get a break from the kids once in a while. With a little breathing room, you'll be better equipped to prepare yourself for the future.

Q: How can I help my small child deal with his overwhelming fear of insects? He's always been a little scared of bugs, but recently he was bitten by something at preschool during snack time, and now he gets hysterical every time the class is supposed to go outside.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Your child's panicked reaction may be because of his personality, young age and/or his lack of understanding. Children's fears can be due to inexperience -- they become paranoid because they don't have complete or accurate knowledge of the thing that scares them. That can lead them to generalize ("all bugs bite"). Kids who are more anxious and tend to be on "high alert" need help learning how to handle difficulty, adversity and fear.

A practical strategy would be to make a fun project out of helping your son overcome his concerns. Go to the library together and check out some books on bugs. Learn their names and talk about what they do for the environment. Start with harmless-looking critters like lady bugs and caterpillars. Draw pictures of insects together. You might even buy some toy plastic bugs for him to play with. From there, hold some "safe" bugs in your hands to show that they aren't threatening. My kids loved to give worms rides on their toy trains. The goal, of course, is to take the thing that causes him to panic and make it familiar and fun.

All of this takes patience and genuine connection with your child. It's likely that your son will eventually learn that most bugs are harmless. If this doesn't happen -- if the problem persists beyond a few months or seems to get worse -- you may want to schedule a full evaluation of your child by a licensed clinical professional.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I hate Father's Day. My dad never said, "I love you," or told me he was proud of me. Eventually he abandoned our family completely. He was never a positive influence in my life -- why should I honor him?

Jim: I feel for you. My own history with my dad wasn't much different from yours, so I understand some of the angst you may feel around Father's Day. But we can still respect long-held traditions that teach us to honor our dads. That's because honoring your father is as much for you as it is for him -- maybe more so.

As you may know, I draw my values from the Bible, which was originally written in Hebrew and Greek. The ancient Greek word that means "honor" is often more specifically translated as "honoring that which is honorable." In other words, we aren't expected to respect our father for his abuse or his irresponsibility. But we should honor him for the positive things -- however few -- he represented. For some of us, that may be nothing more than the fact that he was responsible for giving us life.

And there's a personal benefit in that action. Honoring a dad who wasn't all he should have been requires us to forgive. From personal experience, I can attest that it's a long, challenging process. It certainly doesn't erase a lifetime of poor choices our fathers may have made. But it does release us from the emotional prison our resentment can keep us trapped in. And if your dad is still alive, it could be a first step on a journey of healing for both of you.

To help your family thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Usually when I want to express my love for my husband verbally or in writing, I list reasons why he means so much to me: He's a good dad, provides for our family, etc. But he doesn't seem to appreciate those compliments like he used to. Am I missing something?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Most of us, when asked to make a list of the reasons why we love our spouse, would probably start with "because": I love my wife because she's good to me ... because she's kind ... because she's considerate ... because she's romantic.

There's certainly nothing wrong with those things. But true, lasting love goes much deeper than that. Author Gary Thomas has noted that it's easy to love someone because they're always doing nice things for you and making you feel good about yourself. Anyone can love somebody like that.

Real life is different, though. Even the best spouse is going to let you down from time to time. All of us tend to be self-absorbed, forgetful and even mean-spirited. It's true of you and me, and it's true of the people we're married to. But if you can love a spouse who disappoints you, you aren't loving them because of anything -- you're loving them anyway.

Will a woman love her husband who doesn't express appreciation for the sacrifices she makes? Who takes her for granted? Can a man love a wife who isn't nearly as kind to him as he is to her? We all want to be loved anyway, in spite of our own faults, so shouldn't we treat the person closest to us the way we want to be treated?

One key to a healthy marriage is to get to the point where you and your spouse can say to each other, "I love you because ... and I love you anyway." If you can get that balance right, your marriage likely has what it takes to go the distance.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My grandmother is in the final stages of cancer and her illness has dramatically altered her physical appearance. She has expressed a desire to see my two young children. Should I allow the kids to visit her? Would they find the experience too upsetting?

Jim: This is a difficult decision. You're anxious to protect your children from fear and pain. At the same time, you want to honor your grandmother's wishes.

On the whole, we take the view that death is a part of life. With appropriate preparation, it would probably be a good idea to allow your children to say goodbye to their great-grandmother. This is especially true if they've enjoyed a relationship with her in the past.

Be honest with the kids about what's happening. Use age-appropriate language to let them know that great-grandma is very, very sick. Tell them that people sometimes get so sick that their bodies don't work right anymore. Explain that this may make them look very different than they used to. If your grandmother's sickness has caused her to lose her hair or a lot of weight, you may want to talk about this beforehand. Be sure to lay it all out in a calm, non-threatening way. If you appear to be anxious or fearful, your children will pick up on this and it will cause them to feel afraid.

Of course, there's a faith-based aspect, as well. While most young children don't have the capacity to grasp abstract concepts like death and eternity, this is an opportunity to lay the groundwork for further discussion of these topics as they mature. For now, keep the conversation simple and geared to your children's needs and their level of insight. We have numerous resources to help at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Our young son is defiant and talks back. He won't do his homework and refuses to clean his room. When we try to discuss these issues with him in a calm, mature way, we usually end up getting angry and yelling at him. What are we doing wrong?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: First, I might suggest that you invest about 10 minutes into taking the "7 Traits of Effective Parenting" assessment; see focusonthefamily.com/parenting.

Second, you need to determine if this is a skill deficit (e.g., poor organization), or a true case of defiance. Either way, you want to work on developing connection, respect, understanding and communication. If it's a skill deficit, help him learn what he needs to accomplish tasks. If it really is a defiance issue, then it's best to have consequences that are age-appropriate, consistent and well understood.

Consequences can be both positive and negative. Your child may have learned that you eventually get angry, yell and then give up -- so you need to follow through. You can use positive consequences to increase a positive behavior, and negative consequences to decrease a negative behavior. Set goals with celebrations, and set consequences with meaningful losses.

For example, you might tell your son, "If you finish your homework by 5:00, you get an extra half-hour of TV time tonight." That's a simple positive consequence that doesn't cost you anything. But if 6:00 rolls around and he hasn't even looked at his homework, as a negative consequence he loses the privilege of any TV time that night altogether. Again, spell this out clearly in advance.

You'll need to come up with appropriate consequences (both positive and negative) that really touch him where he lives. It could be skateboarding privileges, or a weekend outing with Dad. The motivating power of specific consequences will change as a child grows older.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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