Q: Our teenage son has a drinking problem; in fact, at this point I'd call him a full-blown alcoholic. His behavior is impacting everyone in the family and tearing our household apart. Help!

Jim: You're not alone. Unfortunately, substance abuse can affect even close-knit families with strong values. Our staff counselors have several recommendations in this case.

First, denying or ignoring the problem will likely just make things worse, so you've made a good start by asking for help. Second, don't allow yourself to become burdened by false guilt -- most parents assume extensive self-blame when an addiction surfaces in their home. Third, don't look for or expect quick-fix solutions. There will be no complete healing until your son learns to accept responsibility for his actions. This could be a long process requiring a great deal of patience and perseverance on your part.

We strongly recommend that you seek professional counseling as a family. The most successful treatment programs involve intensive evaluation with therapy in an environment of community and accountability. Our Counseling Department can provide referrals to helpful programs and qualified therapists in your area; call 800-232-6459.

If the situation continues to escalate, options might include an inpatient detox treatment center, a halfway house, a boot-camp program or youth home, or staying with a relative or friend for a defined period of time under strict rules. More extreme possibilities may need to be considered, such as making your son a ward of the court or even turning him over to the police if criminal activity is involved. He has to face the consequences of his behavior before he will be motivated to change.

Q: Hey, Bob, I'm curious: When you compare today's media environment to what you experienced as a teenager/young adult, what's been the most impactful change?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: Without question, the most impactful change has been how easily young boys (and girls) can access pornography. When I was a teen, porn was available primarily in magazines and XXX bookstores. Nowadays, of course, pornography is just a click away.

A Tru Research study of over 2,000 teens, ages 13 to 17, found that a third admit to intentionally accessing nude or pornographic content online; 71 percent of them said they had done something to hide what they do online from their parents (this includes clearing browser history, deleting inappropriate videos and lying about behavior).

Another comprehensive survey by Josh McDowell Ministry found that more than one quarter (27 percent) of young adults ages 25 to 30 first viewed pornography before puberty (josh.org). Plus, we've all heard the stories of middle and high school students sexting risque/nude photos of themselves or others -- becoming not just consumers, but providers.

Is all this simply an innocent rite of passage? Not hardly! The research is pretty clear that porn use is wreaking havoc in the bedroom (not spicing it up), increasing depression as well as anxiety, stress and social problems.

So, what is the answer? Short of writing a thesis on the subject, let me just say that the first step, as difficult as it may seem, is for parents to pre-emptively sit their young person down for a chat on the subject. Ask if they've accessed porn intentionally. Accidently? What about their friends? Discuss what it means to live a porn-free life (including saying no to inappropriate movies/TV). Be sure your young person knows he/she can be honest without fear of reprisal, and that you'll be there to help no matter what.

If you need help along this line, you can talk to one of Focus on the Family's licensed counselors at 800-232-6459.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I are expecting our first child. I'm excited to be a dad, but also intimidated. My father wasn't a good role model, so I feel pretty clueless about this whole parenting thing. Can you help?

Jim: Author Kent Nerburn once said, "It is much easier to become a father than to be one." Maybe that's one of the reasons why so many dads feel overwhelmed.

It's easy for dads to feel like they're in over their heads. When your 6-month-old baby starts wailing, you can't make him stop. When your son is failing algebra, you can't make him pass. If your daughter gets bullied, you can't just make all of her hurt feelings disappear. It's much slower, subtle work.

All of which, of course, can make fatherhood so frustrating. In our professional lives, dads frequently hold the reins and make things happen. But parenting often strips fathers of that control. Fatherhood isn't like being a mechanic, as much as we might want it to be. We can't fix things with the simple turn of a socket wrench. Even worse, sometimes we don't know if what we're doing is even working.

Being a successful dad starts by learning your role. Don't try to force your kids down a certain path in life. You have to walk alongside and encourage them in their journey. It's a process that takes a lot more patience, time and commitment than many men are used to.

But at its heart, fatherhood is a relationship. So, remember, gently coaching your kids is the essence of what you're aiming for. Be a coach, cheerleader and champion of your child. For plenty of parenting tips and advice, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How can I tell whether or not my child is actually addicted to video and computer games? He spends a lot of time gaming, but it's hard to know whether it's really that serious of a problem.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: When it comes to addictive behavior of any kind, it's better to be safe than sorry. Researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, studied hundreds of video-game-addiction cases. They found that addicted gamers' lives are always significantly disrupted by the games.

That's what you want to watch out for: disruption. Several symptoms of addiction can help indicate if your son's gaming has become something more than just a hobby. These include:

-- A lack of balance, and inability to stop the activity.

-- Isolation, neglecting or lying to family and friends.

-- Problems with school or a job.

-- Weight gain, back issues, carpal tunnel syndrome.

-- Irritability, defending the use of video games at all costs.

-- Ignoring personal hygiene.

-- Changes or disturbances in sleep patterns.

If you notice such signs, get tougher about time limits and actively monitor screen time. It's easier to enforce boundaries if the gaming console or computer is centrally located in your home -- keep it out of the bedroom. If your son is losing sleep, or his grades are slipping, you may need to get rid of the equipment entirely.

Admittedly, these conversations are not easy. If your son is clearly obsessed with the game and acts out with severe hostility when unable to play, you may need to seek professional assistance. Our staff counselors can help with a brief consultation and a referral to a local therapist; call 1-800-232-6459 for more information.

Counseling can uncover underlying problems that may be contributing to an addiction. However, in most cases, gaming can be controlled with consistent enforcement of limits. The goal is teaching your son decision-making and balance in life, not making him happy. Setting limits is loving, even when there's some conflict involved.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Should I consider remarrying my ex-spouse for the sake of our child? We recently got divorced, but over the past few weeks I've become increasingly concerned about the impact of this family breakup upon our preschooler. As the dust settles, I wonder if maybe we could have made a better go of it.

Jim: Divorce often involves plenty of anger and bitterness. If your ex-spouse has no desire to continue the relationship, there probably isn't much that can be done to change this.

However, if you are both willing to lay those feelings aside and move beyond the hurts and resentments of the past, there's a chance you could put your relationship back together again. You're correct in thinking this would be in your child's best interests.

When separation or divorce occurs, it's common for each of the spouses to focus on the changes the other party needs to make, rather than engaging in the frank self-evaluation that is always necessary for genuine growth and healing. Are you aware of ways that you may have contributed to the breakup of your marriage? Examine yourself honestly to see clearly into your own intentions, motives and blind spots. A divorce recovery class, possibly at a local church, can be very helpful in this regard.

If your former spouse is willing to undergo the same rigorous process of self-examination, the time may eventually arrive when the two of you are ready to seek counseling together. At that point, you can begin to take some definite steps toward restoring your marriage. This will take time, patience, and a great deal of wisdom and discernment. But I believe your efforts can be successful if both of you are prepared to do the hard work required.

Our staff counselors would be happy to help. Call 1-800-232-6459 or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How can we help our 4-year-old overcome her fears about going to sleep in the dark? We've tried everything -- an established bedtime, a night-light in the bedroom, books, prayers, songs -- but nothing seems to help.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: My kids were also scared of the dark when they were young; it's fairly common for small children. Their imaginations are developing quickly and they can have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality. Your daughter is probably going through a phase and will outgrow it in time.

First, ask yourself if there have been any recent changes at home or preschool that could have precipitated the fear. Then ask your daughter what she sees, and what looks, sounds or feels scary to her -- and what would help her feel safe. Help her train her imagination to think of fun, creative stories that have some excitement and end well. If she sees a monster in her mind, have her draw it the next day and dress it up to make it funny and friendly. Give the critter a name and make up goofy stories about it.

If this isn't working after a week or two, try other methods. A night-light in the room or hall is great, but make sure it doesn't cast any scary shadows on the wall. My daughter loved having several stuffed animals strategically placed on guard, including one special "bedtime buddy." My son enjoyed listening to soothing music just before falling asleep. Each child is different, so what may work for one may not work for the other; you'll need to be creative. The goal is to help channel the youngster's imagination that can quickly be controlled by fear.

Finally, teach your daughter simple ways to talk to God if she wakes up in the night. He cares deeply for her.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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