Q: We're considering adopting a baby boy who was removed from his birth home due to abuse when only a few months old. He has been in the foster-care system for the past year. What kind of risks are we facing?

Jim: You deserve a lot of credit for your willingness to adopt a child from a troubled background. I want to encourage you in this endeavor, but also advise you to proceed with your eyes wide open.

Our counselors highlight that there's no one-size-fits-all pattern here -- every situation is unique. Much depends on the individual circumstances of the child you're planning to adopt and the type of foster care he received after he was removed from his home. Some children who are abused, neglected or moved from caregiver to caregiver during their first couple of years of life can develop significant emotional and behavioral problems, or even suffer from a phenomenon known as Reactive Attachment Disorder. However, some abused and neglected children are extremely resilient and display an astounding ability to thrive and grow once they're settled in a stable environment.

We'd suggest that you gather as much information as you can from the child's social worker -- and, if possible, the foster parents. This will give you some indication of the kind of care he has received and whether or not he appears to have any emotional or behavioral problems. Even if he does, that's not necessarily reason to forgo adoption.

If you do decide to adopt this child, consult with a psychologist who specializes in early childhood attachment. He or she can work with you, the current foster parents and the social worker to help ease the transition from the foster system to your home. Focus on the Family's counseling staff can provide a list of qualified child psychologists in your local area; call 1-800-232-6459.

Q: Should I tell my husband that I'm attracted to his closest buddy? I've heard that kind of information should be shared between spouses for purposes of accountability, but I'm not sure that'd be wise. Neither man has any clue of my struggle, and I don't want to jeopardize their relationship.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Accountability is one thing, but it's something else to burden your spouse with every wayward thought and questionable impulse that passes through your mind. Each of us has to deal with our share of "internal garbage." That doesn't mean that we need to dump it on the people around us.

Being honest with your spouse -- in the sense of telling the truth -- isn't the same thing as revealing every feeling you've ever had. Yes, couples should be frank and open with each other. But in the name of openness and accountability, some people give their spouses too much information about past and present actions and thoughts. Detail and timing are always crucial considerations. Silence isn't necessarily dishonest -- in fact, sometimes the loving thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.

This is particularly true in a case like yours. If your inappropriate emotions ever do find expression in inappropriate words and actions -- and I hope and pray this never happens -- that will be the time for accountability, remorse and confession. Until then, you're better off keeping this matter between yourself and God.

That last thought -- the spiritual component -- is important. Instead of dumping on your husband and jeopardizing your marriage, confess your illicit feelings to God and seek His help to stay faithful to your marriage vows. Meanwhile, say and do only what you believe to be in the best interests of your husband, his friend and your marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: As a successful executive, I'm gratified to now be hearing from headhunters who are recruiting me for even better positions across the country. I want to provide the best for my wife and kids. Are there family principles I should keep in mind as I weigh my options?

Jim: A change to your career can be a great opportunity, or it can be the worst thing that ever happened to your family. It all depends on how you handle the choices you're facing.

Couples often make decisions about their careers based on one thing: their financial bottom line. But your family life can be severely affected as well. Say you have the chance to relocate for a new job. Is moving across the country worth leaving behind your support system of family and friends? Are your children emotionally prepared to start over in a new school? And how will the changes you're considering impact your relationships with each other as a family?

If the answer to all those questions points to making a change, you've laid the groundwork for success, not just in your career, but in your home as well. On the other hand, if all the pieces aren't in place, you're asking for trouble.

We're all trying to get ahead financially, but I encourage you not to make decisions that will compromise the most important relationships in your life. More money and responsibility are excellent achievements, but they usually come with a great deal more stress, too. Don't assume a greater income will sweep family issues under the rug.

Decisions about your career will impact far more than just your budget. Don't let your ambition for money and success come at the cost of your family. Have some foresight and make good choices that will protect what really matters.

Q: As a dad, I expect my children to meet high standards every time. That's how my father raised me, and I turned out OK. But my wife thinks we should cut them some slack. What's the balance?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: This may initially sound like terrible advice, but the truth is you should be teaching your children to fail -- and then get up. Learning to feel comfortable with your kids' failures can transform your parenting.

Think about how you reacted when your child was learning to walk. That process is really just a long string of failures that ends in success. A toddler may only take one or two steps before falling down, but we don't tell them to give up and wait a few years. No, we immediately encourage them to get back up and to try again. We'll stretch out our hands and say, "Come to Daddy." And they do. They get back to their feet and wiggle out a few more shaky steps.

But something changes in many parents as our children get older. As the consequences for mistakes become more severe, we become less tolerant of failure because we want them to succeed and do well. We'd never call it perfection, but on a practical level that's exactly what our kids feel like we expect. We have great intentions, but create unnecessary pressure that ends up working against them. They need -- and respond to -- encouragement with guidance.

So if perfection has become the unspoken rule in your house, re-center yourself as a parent. The goal is to raise healthy, resilient children, who are willing to get back up, grow from their mistakes and keep moving forward.

Encourage excellence, but help your kids know that it's OK to fail and to try again. Progress, not perfection, is what we want them to learn.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: How do I know if I'm "enabling" my husband's compulsive gambling problem? I don't want to do anything that might encourage his behavior.

Jim: I've tapped our staff counselors for this answer. "Enabling" is essentially any action that makes it easier for the addict (in this case, the gambler) to pursue his addiction (gambling). It's an unwitting, well-meaning, but nonetheless destructive response to a loved one's addictive behavior. There are three basic categories of enablement: covering up and covering for the gambler; attempting to control his behavior; and cooperating with him.

There really isn't space in this venue to adequately describe and unpack each of these types of enablement. But it's enough to say that all of them just make things worse in the long run. By covering up for him, you'll only be putting off the natural consequences of his gambling and indirectly green-lighting further destructive behavior. Trying to control him might backfire and sever your relationship entirely. Cooperating with him won't encourage any change, and could draw you into the same destructive pattern of addiction yourself.

Addictions of all kinds are progressive in nature. If your husband is a confirmed compulsive gambler, as you say, then it's only a matter of time before his escalating condition lands him in some serious trouble. That's why it's critical to confront the issue head-on. Urge him to get some kind of professional help. If he's unwilling to listen, see if you can enlist the help of an objective third party -- a pastor, a relative or a male friend who agrees with your assessment of the situation and who would be willing to come alongside you in order to strengthen your case.

If all else fails, try to pull together a group of friends and supporters who can help you stage a formal intervention. You may want to include a licensed counselor or therapist who specializes in this kind of activity. Overcoming addiction of any kind is a long process that requires specialized guidance. Our Counseling Department can help direct you to qualified individuals all over the country; call 855-771-HELP (4357) or see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: As a single woman, the whole dating scene exhausts me. I'm tired of wasting time on guys who aren't interested in commitment. Help!

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: It might surprise you how many single men and women have told us they're confused by dating. Generally, the problem is a lack of clear boundaries between friendship and romance, so singles hang on too long to a relationship that's going nowhere.

"Going on a date" is about friendship. It's enjoying someone's company with the understanding there's nothing exclusive or even necessarily romantic between you. It's an evening out to dinner, a movie or a cup of coffee because you're friends.

"Exclusive dating" is completely different. It's committing to one person and moving your relationship toward the possibility of marriage. During this time, you have to be intentional about determining whether or not this is really the person you want to be married to. If not, you have to be willing to move on.

The trouble comes when singles treat friendship in the same way as an exclusive relationship, or vice versa. Sooner or later, one person gets romantically hooked and spends months or years hanging on to the relationship, hoping the other person will want to marry.

So if you're dating, keep the boundaries between friendship and exclusive dating crystal clear. You need that kind of focus so you don't get stuck in a relationship that's going nowhere. Focus on the Family has an outreach called "Boundless" that addresses single life from a faith-based perspective. Check it out at Boundless.org.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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