parenting

Career Success Is Important, But Can Be Hard on Families

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | April 30th, 2017

Q: As a successful executive, I'm gratified to now be hearing from headhunters who are recruiting me for even better positions across the country. I want to provide the best for my wife and kids. Are there family principles I should keep in mind as I weigh my options?

Jim: A change to your career can be a great opportunity, or it can be the worst thing that ever happened to your family. It all depends on how you handle the choices you're facing.

Couples often make decisions about their careers based on one thing: their financial bottom line. But your family life can be severely affected as well. Say you have the chance to relocate for a new job. Is moving across the country worth leaving behind your support system of family and friends? Are your children emotionally prepared to start over in a new school? And how will the changes you're considering impact your relationships with each other as a family?

If the answer to all those questions points to making a change, you've laid the groundwork for success, not just in your career, but in your home as well. On the other hand, if all the pieces aren't in place, you're asking for trouble.

We're all trying to get ahead financially, but I encourage you not to make decisions that will compromise the most important relationships in your life. More money and responsibility are excellent achievements, but they usually come with a great deal more stress, too. Don't assume a greater income will sweep family issues under the rug.

Decisions about your career will impact far more than just your budget. Don't let your ambition for money and success come at the cost of your family. Have some foresight and make good choices that will protect what really matters.

Q: As a dad, I expect my children to meet high standards every time. That's how my father raised me, and I turned out OK. But my wife thinks we should cut them some slack. What's the balance?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: This may initially sound like terrible advice, but the truth is you should be teaching your children to fail -- and then get up. Learning to feel comfortable with your kids' failures can transform your parenting.

Think about how you reacted when your child was learning to walk. That process is really just a long string of failures that ends in success. A toddler may only take one or two steps before falling down, but we don't tell them to give up and wait a few years. No, we immediately encourage them to get back up and to try again. We'll stretch out our hands and say, "Come to Daddy." And they do. They get back to their feet and wiggle out a few more shaky steps.

But something changes in many parents as our children get older. As the consequences for mistakes become more severe, we become less tolerant of failure because we want them to succeed and do well. We'd never call it perfection, but on a practical level that's exactly what our kids feel like we expect. We have great intentions, but create unnecessary pressure that ends up working against them. They need -- and respond to -- encouragement with guidance.

So if perfection has become the unspoken rule in your house, re-center yourself as a parent. The goal is to raise healthy, resilient children, who are willing to get back up, grow from their mistakes and keep moving forward.

Encourage excellence, but help your kids know that it's OK to fail and to try again. Progress, not perfection, is what we want them to learn.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Wife Fears She Is Enabling Husband's Gambling Problem

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | April 23rd, 2017

Q: How do I know if I'm "enabling" my husband's compulsive gambling problem? I don't want to do anything that might encourage his behavior.

Jim: I've tapped our staff counselors for this answer. "Enabling" is essentially any action that makes it easier for the addict (in this case, the gambler) to pursue his addiction (gambling). It's an unwitting, well-meaning, but nonetheless destructive response to a loved one's addictive behavior. There are three basic categories of enablement: covering up and covering for the gambler; attempting to control his behavior; and cooperating with him.

There really isn't space in this venue to adequately describe and unpack each of these types of enablement. But it's enough to say that all of them just make things worse in the long run. By covering up for him, you'll only be putting off the natural consequences of his gambling and indirectly green-lighting further destructive behavior. Trying to control him might backfire and sever your relationship entirely. Cooperating with him won't encourage any change, and could draw you into the same destructive pattern of addiction yourself.

Addictions of all kinds are progressive in nature. If your husband is a confirmed compulsive gambler, as you say, then it's only a matter of time before his escalating condition lands him in some serious trouble. That's why it's critical to confront the issue head-on. Urge him to get some kind of professional help. If he's unwilling to listen, see if you can enlist the help of an objective third party -- a pastor, a relative or a male friend who agrees with your assessment of the situation and who would be willing to come alongside you in order to strengthen your case.

If all else fails, try to pull together a group of friends and supporters who can help you stage a formal intervention. You may want to include a licensed counselor or therapist who specializes in this kind of activity. Overcoming addiction of any kind is a long process that requires specialized guidance. Our Counseling Department can help direct you to qualified individuals all over the country; call 855-771-HELP (4357) or see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: As a single woman, the whole dating scene exhausts me. I'm tired of wasting time on guys who aren't interested in commitment. Help!

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: It might surprise you how many single men and women have told us they're confused by dating. Generally, the problem is a lack of clear boundaries between friendship and romance, so singles hang on too long to a relationship that's going nowhere.

"Going on a date" is about friendship. It's enjoying someone's company with the understanding there's nothing exclusive or even necessarily romantic between you. It's an evening out to dinner, a movie or a cup of coffee because you're friends.

"Exclusive dating" is completely different. It's committing to one person and moving your relationship toward the possibility of marriage. During this time, you have to be intentional about determining whether or not this is really the person you want to be married to. If not, you have to be willing to move on.

The trouble comes when singles treat friendship in the same way as an exclusive relationship, or vice versa. Sooner or later, one person gets romantically hooked and spends months or years hanging on to the relationship, hoping the other person will want to marry.

So if you're dating, keep the boundaries between friendship and exclusive dating crystal clear. You need that kind of focus so you don't get stuck in a relationship that's going nowhere. Focus on the Family has an outreach called "Boundless" that addresses single life from a faith-based perspective. Check it out at Boundless.org.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Father's Absence Weighs on Adult Child

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | April 16th, 2017

Q: My father abandoned our family when I was young. Now that I'm getting older and really need his input, he's not here for me. Do you have advice for dealing with this pain?

Jim: If your mother is available, a starting point would be to tell her that you're having a hard time right now. Even if she's dealing with "stuff" of her own, she may have important insights to share. Did your dad have a problem with alcohol or drugs? That wouldn't excuse his leaving, of course, but it might help explain it.

Maybe you could talk to your mom about the possibility of writing your father a letter. Ask her if she has his address, or if there's someone else who might know where he is. Perhaps his parents or siblings would be able to forward a letter to him for you.

After this discussion with your mom, you can begin writing to him when you feel ready. Express your feelings openly and honestly. Ask any questions that are on your mind. Let him know how important it is that he responds. There's no guarantee that he'll answer, but it's worth a try. The process of writing can be beneficial for you, too. It's often a very healing experience to put our deepest thoughts and emotions down on paper.

Whatever happens, remember the real Easter message of renewal: God loves us so much that He went to immeasurable lengths to repair our fractured relationship with Him. He's sad about the pain you've experienced as a result of being abandoned by your earthly dad. Psalm 68:5 tells us that God is a "father to the fatherless." Turn to Him with your pain.

If you'd like to talk to someone about this, our staff counselors here at Focus on the Family would be more than happy to take your call at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My spouse and I sometimes experience significant marital conflict. When that happens I usually shut down, and it's really hurting our marriage. I'm a visual person -- can you give me a mental picture that I can retrieve in times of stress to help me engage in a healthy way?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Marriage can challenge the strongest of couples. I really like this illustration: When serious conflict damages your relationship, do you dig a moat or build a bridge?

Digging a moat is a common reaction when your marriage is suffering. It's like an emotional trench around your heart so deep and wide that your spouse can never cross it. When you're buried in heartache, that's an understandable response. But in the long run, it'll keep you stuck in pain.

To break free, build a bridge to your spouse by finding ways to connect with each other. You don't have to let heartache have the final say over your life and marriage. Rebuild what's been broken. That's not easy to do, but few things worth having are.

The key is all in how you go about it. Your relationship won't magically fix itself overnight. Healing can come, but it happens one date night, one conversation and one kiss at a time. Disconnecting from one another probably took some time, and so will reconnecting.

You also have to prioritize your relationship. Put the kids to bed early one night, so you and your spouse can have some time together. Hire a baby sitter or meet for lunch. It may seem like ordinary moments like these won't get you anywhere. But they're exactly the kind of small steps that can slowly bring your relationship back together.

If conflict has damaged your marriage, remember: Don't dig a moat. Build a bridge.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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