parenting

How to Cope With a Spouse's Unemployment

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 29th, 2017

Q: My husband recently lost his job. I'm still working and we aren't destitute, but it's obviously tough on the whole family. Is there anything I should prioritize while he looks for a new position?

Jim: You have an important role in helping your spouse deal with the uncertainty ahead. So, to the best of your ability, you have to stay calm and focused. Admittedly, it's a bit of a tightrope.

If your husband is unemployed for weeks and months, it can feel like the search for a new job will never end. But it's important not to let discouragement set in. Keep a healthy perspective and try to remember that as difficult as this challenge is, it's only temporary.

One of the best things you can do as a couple is to keep life as normal as possible. Maintain a routine. Take life one day at a time and understand that there will be good days and bad. Also, don't overlook the value of staying engaged with the people closest to you. When life gets tough, it's easy to hunker down and isolate. But those are the times we need the love and support of a community of friends and family.

Meanwhile, don't let your daily life become consumed by this situation. It's healthy to plan (inexpensive) activities that have no other purpose except to have fun. Go for a bike ride or a hike, or have a picnic. It's a good opportunity to set aside your worries, even if just for a short time, and refresh yourself and your marriage.

And that's key. Somehow, with all of this uncertainty, both of you have to stay focused on the most important goal of all: keeping your relationship intact -- even making it stronger -- until you get to the other side of this challenge. So whatever you do, in the midst of your spouse's unemployment, make your marriage your top priority.

Q: My wife and I have been married for several years. Our life certainly hasn't been what we envisioned -- the road has been a lot tougher than we expected. We love each other, but we're discouraged. Do you have any advice?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Many couples struggle with what their marriage is, compared to what they dreamed it would be. But what they often fail to consider is whether their expectations were realistic in the first place.

Marital bliss is a common dream when people are dating. In those early stages of romance, they can't imagine feeling discontent with their spouse or their conversations not stretching into the wee hours of the night. And disagreements? What disagreements?

But once you're married, those expectations usually hit a speed bump. There's the monotony of work and paying bills week-in and week-out. Then there are all the stressors. Maybe a spouse loses his or her job, or a baby is born, impacting the couple's finances. Real life sets in, and the dream begins to fade.

Here's the point: Good marriages aren't built on lofty expectations. They're formed through the ups and downs of day-to-day, year-to-year experiences.

So if your relationship isn't all you'd hoped, take a look at what you'd originally hoped for. Maybe some of your expectations were unrealistic in the first place. If so, cast a new vision for your marriage. But this time, temper your dreams with a little less fairy tale and a little more real life. And build that vision on your individual and mutual strengths. Your marriage can be greater than the sum of its parts.

For extra guidance on how to build a strong and thriving marriage, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Give Daughter Time and Space as She Figures Out Her Path in Life

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 22nd, 2017

Q: Just as we were looking forward to the freedom of an "empty nest," our adult daughter decided that she needs to come back and "get her life together" before "moving on to the next step." But we don't know exactly what this means, and we have no idea how long she's planning to stay. Do you have any advice?

Jim: There isn't necessarily anything "wrong" or "abnormal" about accepting a previously launched child back into your home. And you're certainly not alone. Census figures indicate that millions of so-called "empty nesters" now find themselves with at least one grown child living at home -- experts call it the "boomerang generation." Some come back hoping to save money for school. Others return so they can take time to search for the perfect job. Still others may have personal problems; they need a refuge.

Take comfort in the thought that it's only a temporary situation -- and be thankful that your daughter likes you enough to want to come back. She obviously thinks of home as a safe, accepting place to land while she regroups, and that's a positive thing. There are several practical measures you can implement to minimize conflict and maximize the opportunity to strengthen family bonds while she's with you.

Start by clarifying your standards. Do this as early as possible to prevent misunderstandings and friction later on. You might even want to spell them out in a brief "contract" for her to sign. Make sure that the contract specifies consequences for infractions.

At the same time, don't forget that these rules should be different than the ones you put in place when your child was a minor. For example, curfews aren't appropriate for an adult. As long as your grown child acts responsibly (holding a job, contributing financially or helping with meals and household chores), she deserves the same liberty to come and go as any adult. Respect her personal boundaries and preferences.

Don't be afraid to ask frank and straightforward questions during the course of this conversation. How long does your daughter envision staying with you? What would you both consider reasonable rent? If rent is not an issue, exactly how will she contribute to the cost of food and household expenses? What chores will she be expected to carry out?

You didn't mention any specific problems or concerns, but common sense suggests that you shouldn't enable a grown child who's merely looking to avoid adult responsibilities. Naturally, if your daughter is dealing with more serious issues -- for example, addictions or mental and emotional illness -- then you'll probably need to seek intervention or enlist professional help. But if she just seems a little too comfortable at home, it might be a good idea to set a move-out deadline (and stick to it). Knowing the clock is ticking at the "Mom and Pop Hotel" may be precisely the motivation she needs to get serious about "moving on to the next step."

Finally, keep a few things in mind as you interact with your daughter:

-- Trust her to make wise choices, even when she doesn't. After all, she is an adult now.

-- Squelch the impulse to give advice unless it's asked for.

-- Remember that communication is key. Set a regular time to discuss issues, clarify expectations or simply clear the air.

-- Three or more adults living in one house is a challenge, whether you're related or not. So give one another some space and grace!

If you need further help sorting out this or other relational issues, call Focus on the Family's Counseling Department at 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Learning to Be Civil in a Disagreeable Society

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 15th, 2017

Q: Every time I turn around, there's another example in the news or on social media about people fighting over issues of race, politics, religion, moral beliefs, etc. I'm beginning to lose hope that there can ever be peace in our land. What are your thoughts?

Jim: It's clear that America is deeply divided, on many fronts. But a lot of that conflict is driven by an idea that's fundamentally untrue: the perception that disagreeing with someone means you disrespect them as a person -- or even hate them. It doesn't have to be that way.

Beliefs can be polarizing. But differing perspectives don't have to cause us to lose our sense of dignity for one another. That means we can vigorously defend what we believe, but we can do it with civility and respect.

The key is grasping and applying a core value that's guided our nation for over two centuries: a person's value is the result of qualities beyond what we see at first glance. This is why my Christian faith emphasizes the profound worth of every human being. People don't deserve dignity because they're the right height, shape, color, political persuasion or any other label. All human beings have immeasurable worth simply because it's endowed them by their Creator.

Our conversations about societal issues have to start -- and continue -- in that context. And it works. Some of the people I consider to be my friends are activists who fight for ideas that directly oppose my deeply held beliefs. We disagree over almost every political and social issue. But we've still been able to build genuine friendships, because we show one another respect even though we hold radically differing opinions. None of us believes our opposing views have to turn into animosity or hatred toward one another. That civility allows us to find common ground.

Q: Our 14-year-old daughter was invited to an overnight video marathon at a friend's house. The plan was to binge-watch a series of horror films that we wouldn't ordinarily view in our household. We chose to not let our daughter attend. But when I spoke with the friend's mom, her reply was "Whatever -- it's only a movie." Do you think we were too restrictive?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: I'll admit I'm not a fan of the horror film genre or its recent spin-off commonly called torture porn. Because of that, it would be easy for me to quickly answer your question with a "you did the right thing -- case closed." But the question is best answered in a bigger context of what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable films. I like to boil down the "in-bounds vs. out-of-bounds" dilemma to a few simple questions to always ask (and train your daughter to always ask).

The first is this: Will watching this film (or watching this TV show, listening to this song, playing this video game) make me a better person? Will it encourage me to be more honest, compassionate, generous and noble? Will it challenge me to care about others more, make a greater difference in this world, and better respond to life's trials?

If the answer to the above questions is yes, there's still another factor to consider. Even if the film is inspiring, encouraging and uplifting overall, does it contain some content that would be counterproductive to my overall mental/spiritual health?

I say all this because it's arguable that a few "horror" movies might fit the bill. But again, the place to start is not just films of this type, but to put all movies -- no matter the genre -- to the tests above. PluggedIn.com provides detailed content reviews to help you with this process.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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