Q: Despite our best parenting efforts, our adult son has developed a talent for making dumb decisions and behaving irresponsibly. He recently financed an expensive car he couldn't afford, only to total it three weeks later -- after he'd canceled the insurance. He's now in serious financial straits and may lose his job for lack of transportation. We've tried to support and help him in similar situations, but things just get worse. What should we do?

Jim: Unfortunately, even good parents often see their adult children make poor choices. Our role as parents should change as our kids enter adulthood, but our purpose should not: To encourage them to become mature, self-controlled, self-regulating, responsible and independent adults. In this case, I would suggest that means allowing your son to come face-to-face with the real-life consequences of his choices. Here are three principles to keep in mind:

1) Don't make your child's problem your problem. Maintain appropriate boundaries by respecting his right to be his own man and make his own decisions. To assume his problems is to deprive him of adult autonomy. That's almost always counterproductive.

2) Don't make yourself the solution to your child's problem. It's not your job or responsibility to fix everything that's broken and right every wrong in your son's life. Experience is the best teacher, and you need to give your son the opportunity to learn from the consequences of his decisions.

3) Maintain the relationship. Avoid damaging your relationship with your son by "sticking your oar in" where it isn't wanted or needed. Uninvited interference and "I told you so's" can inspire resentment, and resentment will destroy the all-important heart-connection between parent and child. Keeping the lines of communication open is the best way to maintain a strong and positive influence.

If you need help navigating this process, our licensed counselors would be pleased to provide additional thoughts. Don't hesitate to call them at 1-855-771-4537 for a free consultation.

Q: Our school board is meeting next week to prepare for the new school year, and one item they're proposing is eliminating recess for elementary schoolchildren to devote more time to academics. My neighbor is all for this and thinks it will benefit her kids. But something just doesn't feel good about it to me. What do you think?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: It's healthy to stretch our children's minds, and it's natural to want to give them a head start. But the growing trend of eliminating recess concerns me because it threatens our kids' emotional, psychological, cognitive and social development.

Play provides opportunities for children to self-express, think creatively, develop cognitively, work through challenges, regulate emotions, build self-confidence, communicate and connect with others, and practice roles needed for survival. There's also evidence that play can help prevent some of the attention and mood disorders and sensory processing issues we're seeing in many children.

It's also important to understand that competitive and organized sports are not substitutes for unstructured and unrestricted play where imagination, creativity and exploration are essential elements. Sports practice, where a child is learning a skill under the direction of a coach, is -- in a certain sense -- "work."

The case can be made, then, that playtime at recess actually helps children learn and develop inside the classroom. Should your local school board, however, succumb to recent trends and eliminate recess time, make sure you compensate for that loss by ensuring your child's playtime needs are met. How that looks varies from child to child. The important thing to remember is that they have fun with activities they choose. And they'll benefit even more if you join in, too!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Should children be taught to defend themselves when physically attacked, or should they "turn the other cheek"? We've taught our kids that physical violence is never acceptable. Unfortunately, the school playground is a rough and painful place for our son, and he's already dreading the upcoming school year.

Jim: I absolutely agree that fighting should be discouraged. Unfortunately, children can be unbelievably cruel to one another, and the reality is bullying is a growing problem that requires a serious response.

Given your conflicting feelings, perhaps it's best to first look at the idea of "turning the other cheek." As we see it, this teaching has a very narrow application. It's mainly concerned with the issue of personal revenge or retaliation, not self-defense. Its message is intended to encourage us to let go of the desire to "get back" at those who have wronged us and to be willing to suffer personal injustices in the interest of a higher purpose. But loving one's neighbor sometimes requires a willingness to use force to defend others who are being abused and mistreated. Complete non-resistance, then, is not what is being called for in response to physical violence.

With those things in mind, I don't believe your son should be expected to be anyone's personal punching bag. Instead, he should be equipped with a plan of action and trained to respond, not simply react. It sounds like you've taught your children to cooperate with others as much as possible -- and that's great. But in cases where their physical safety is at risk, they should be prepared to defend themselves appropriately.

Our licensed counselors would be pleased to provide you with some practical strategies for confronting and dealing with this problem before the new school year begins. Don't hesitate to call them at 855-771-4537 for a free consultation.

Q: How do we decide what to call one another in our blended family? Recently, my stepdaughter started calling me "Mom." When my husband's ex-wife heard about this, she freaked and demanded that her daughter call me by my first name only. We're not sure how to navigate all of this.

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: The labels children use to refer to adult stepfamily members often indicate the level of emotional attachment they feel. What's important to remember is that labels aren't critical to family success, and it's best to give children the freedom to choose the labels they're most comfortable with.

Labels can change over time and with circumstances. For example, a child who just returned from a weekend visit with his dad may avoid calling his stepfather "Dad" for a few days because he's missing his biological father. But once the sadness wanes, the usual label typically returns.

It's also not uncommon for children to feel comfortable using loving terms like "Daddy" and "Mommy" when they are small, only to start calling a stepparent by his or her first name when they reach adolescence. The change in label reflects the challenges a child faces in trying to balance loyalties as they grow up.

Ideally, children should be given permission to use whatever term they want for a stepparent. If your stepdaughter's mom feels threatened, however, and is unwilling to grant her permission to call you "Mom," I'd encourage you not to get stuck on this conflict. Instead, your husband should make sure that his daughter doesn't feel guilty about it. He should gently acknowledge that he understands the awkward spot this puts her in, and assure her that what matters most is not what she calls you and your husband. What matters most is that she knows she is loved, understood and supported by you.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Sometimes I feel that my wife and I spend so much time in our roles as Mom and Dad that we neglect our own relationship. Do we just need to recognize that our needs as a couple have to be put on hold until our kids are older and less demanding?

Jim: I think most couples with children can relate to your dilemma. A household can only be as strong as its component parts -- namely, husband, wife and kids. Healthy families are made up of healthy individuals, and happy, successful marriages tend to produce thriving, well-adjusted kids.

Since loving, connected spouses make the most effective moms and dads, the best thing you can do for your children is to concentrate on creating the strongest possible bond with your mate. There are at least 12 distinctive qualities we've identified here at Focus on the Family that are vital for successful marriages. Here's a brief look at them:

1. Lifelong Commitment. Marriage is a lifelong adventure, filled with triumphs and defeats. Couples who understand this enter their relationship with the attitude that despite the challenges of life, they are dedicated to one another and won't throw in the towel when times get tough.

2. Shared Spiritual Intimacy. Thriving couples share a deep faith. They look to their Creator as the foundation of their relationship.

3. Respect Each Individual's Uniqueness. Don't lose sight of what drew you together before the children came along. Parents who know who they are and where they're going naturally encourage every other member of the family to make the same discoveries. They motivate kids to search out and follow their own paths and to develop their special interests and talents.

4. Positive Communication. Communication is the heart and soul of any vibrant relationship. It's important for husbands and wives to spend lots of time talking and trying to understand each other's thoughts and feelings.

5. Healthy Conflict Management. The key to marital success lies in the way a couple handles the inevitable conflicts of marriage -- i.e., by keeping short accounts and not letting anger fester.

6. Spending Enjoyable Time Together. Thriving couples are intentional about spending enjoyable time together. They schedule regular date nights and develop meaningful family traditions.

7. Cherish. Successful marriages are made up of two people who treasure and honor one another. You can do this by writing down a list of the things you value about your mate, reviewing it often and sharing it with them.

8. Nourish. Nourishing is a matter of discovering your mate's "love language" and learning to use it to express affection.

9. Shared Responsibility. Couples with vibrant relationships talk openly about their roles in the home. They devise a workable plan that preserves fairness in the way it divides household tasks and responsibilities.

10. Mutually Satisfying Physical Intimacy. Thriving couples regularly celebrate their marriage with physical intimacy. They understand that this includes affection, tenderness, warmth and physical touch.

11. Coping with Change, Stress and Crises. Successful husbands and wives recognize that external trials and pressures will come upon them. They prepare for hard times and make provisions for seeking outside help when needed.

12. Community Minded. Healthy marriage partners realize that they need other people and other people need them. They are involved in supportive communities where they have many opportunities to give and receive encouragement.

If you'd like to know more about how to implement these "Traits of a Thriving Marriage" in your own home, visit our website at focusonthefamily.com and click on the "Marriage" button at the top of the page. You'll be glad you did. So will your kids!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.