Q: Should children be taught to defend themselves when physically attacked, or should they "turn the other cheek"? We've taught our kids that physical violence is never acceptable. Unfortunately, the school playground is a rough and painful place for our son, and he's already dreading the upcoming school year.

Jim: I absolutely agree that fighting should be discouraged. Unfortunately, children can be unbelievably cruel to one another, and the reality is bullying is a growing problem that requires a serious response.

Given your conflicting feelings, perhaps it's best to first look at the idea of "turning the other cheek." As we see it, this teaching has a very narrow application. It's mainly concerned with the issue of personal revenge or retaliation, not self-defense. Its message is intended to encourage us to let go of the desire to "get back" at those who have wronged us and to be willing to suffer personal injustices in the interest of a higher purpose. But loving one's neighbor sometimes requires a willingness to use force to defend others who are being abused and mistreated. Complete non-resistance, then, is not what is being called for in response to physical violence.

With those things in mind, I don't believe your son should be expected to be anyone's personal punching bag. Instead, he should be equipped with a plan of action and trained to respond, not simply react. It sounds like you've taught your children to cooperate with others as much as possible -- and that's great. But in cases where their physical safety is at risk, they should be prepared to defend themselves appropriately.

Our licensed counselors would be pleased to provide you with some practical strategies for confronting and dealing with this problem before the new school year begins. Don't hesitate to call them at 855-771-4537 for a free consultation.

Q: How do we decide what to call one another in our blended family? Recently, my stepdaughter started calling me "Mom." When my husband's ex-wife heard about this, she freaked and demanded that her daughter call me by my first name only. We're not sure how to navigate all of this.

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: The labels children use to refer to adult stepfamily members often indicate the level of emotional attachment they feel. What's important to remember is that labels aren't critical to family success, and it's best to give children the freedom to choose the labels they're most comfortable with.

Labels can change over time and with circumstances. For example, a child who just returned from a weekend visit with his dad may avoid calling his stepfather "Dad" for a few days because he's missing his biological father. But once the sadness wanes, the usual label typically returns.

It's also not uncommon for children to feel comfortable using loving terms like "Daddy" and "Mommy" when they are small, only to start calling a stepparent by his or her first name when they reach adolescence. The change in label reflects the challenges a child faces in trying to balance loyalties as they grow up.

Ideally, children should be given permission to use whatever term they want for a stepparent. If your stepdaughter's mom feels threatened, however, and is unwilling to grant her permission to call you "Mom," I'd encourage you not to get stuck on this conflict. Instead, your husband should make sure that his daughter doesn't feel guilty about it. He should gently acknowledge that he understands the awkward spot this puts her in, and assure her that what matters most is not what she calls you and your husband. What matters most is that she knows she is loved, understood and supported by you.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Sometimes I feel that my wife and I spend so much time in our roles as Mom and Dad that we neglect our own relationship. Do we just need to recognize that our needs as a couple have to be put on hold until our kids are older and less demanding?

Jim: I think most couples with children can relate to your dilemma. A household can only be as strong as its component parts -- namely, husband, wife and kids. Healthy families are made up of healthy individuals, and happy, successful marriages tend to produce thriving, well-adjusted kids.

Since loving, connected spouses make the most effective moms and dads, the best thing you can do for your children is to concentrate on creating the strongest possible bond with your mate. There are at least 12 distinctive qualities we've identified here at Focus on the Family that are vital for successful marriages. Here's a brief look at them:

1. Lifelong Commitment. Marriage is a lifelong adventure, filled with triumphs and defeats. Couples who understand this enter their relationship with the attitude that despite the challenges of life, they are dedicated to one another and won't throw in the towel when times get tough.

2. Shared Spiritual Intimacy. Thriving couples share a deep faith. They look to their Creator as the foundation of their relationship.

3. Respect Each Individual's Uniqueness. Don't lose sight of what drew you together before the children came along. Parents who know who they are and where they're going naturally encourage every other member of the family to make the same discoveries. They motivate kids to search out and follow their own paths and to develop their special interests and talents.

4. Positive Communication. Communication is the heart and soul of any vibrant relationship. It's important for husbands and wives to spend lots of time talking and trying to understand each other's thoughts and feelings.

5. Healthy Conflict Management. The key to marital success lies in the way a couple handles the inevitable conflicts of marriage -- i.e., by keeping short accounts and not letting anger fester.

6. Spending Enjoyable Time Together. Thriving couples are intentional about spending enjoyable time together. They schedule regular date nights and develop meaningful family traditions.

7. Cherish. Successful marriages are made up of two people who treasure and honor one another. You can do this by writing down a list of the things you value about your mate, reviewing it often and sharing it with them.

8. Nourish. Nourishing is a matter of discovering your mate's "love language" and learning to use it to express affection.

9. Shared Responsibility. Couples with vibrant relationships talk openly about their roles in the home. They devise a workable plan that preserves fairness in the way it divides household tasks and responsibilities.

10. Mutually Satisfying Physical Intimacy. Thriving couples regularly celebrate their marriage with physical intimacy. They understand that this includes affection, tenderness, warmth and physical touch.

11. Coping with Change, Stress and Crises. Successful husbands and wives recognize that external trials and pressures will come upon them. They prepare for hard times and make provisions for seeking outside help when needed.

12. Community Minded. Healthy marriage partners realize that they need other people and other people need them. They are involved in supportive communities where they have many opportunities to give and receive encouragement.

If you'd like to know more about how to implement these "Traits of a Thriving Marriage" in your own home, visit our website at focusonthefamily.com and click on the "Marriage" button at the top of the page. You'll be glad you did. So will your kids!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My job basically consumes me. I feel completely frazzled most of the time, but even taking a day off occasionally doesn't seem to help. What can I do?

Jim: A few summers ago, I crashed my motorcycle and broke my ankle. I canceled trips and hunkered down at home, grateful for the extra time with family. But there was one event I didn't cancel, and it taught me a valuable lesson.

Just a day into my convalescence, I was scheduled to tape a radio program with a guest who had come from out of town. He graciously offered to reschedule, but I insisted we keep our plans. Ironically, the guest was a doctor who now makes his living encouraging people to slow down and build margin into their lives.

I realized that I had been guilty of the very thing he was urging our listeners not to do -- and if not for the accident, probably still would be!

The challenge of maintaining a healthy work/life balance, especially in a down economy, is a big problem. Add to the mix the fact that technology allows us to work anywhere, we now tend to work everywhere -- and at any time. I have to admit that I'm guilty of answering emails at all hours. I justify it by rationalizing that doing work now will save work later -- but somehow, come later, there is always more work to be done!

Public speaking experts customize their advice to the client, but as a general rule of thumb, they always say that however slow you think you're speaking, you should probably speak even slower. The same is true with life. Slow it down and take an extended break. You won't regret it.

Q: I sometimes find myself conflicted when it comes to music, movies and other forms of entertainment. My main struggle has to do with certain creative artists who embrace values and lifestyles with which I strongly disagree. Even in cases where they perform or are part of something positive and redeeming, I still feel obligated to refuse supporting them with my money or expose my impressionable children to their influence. What's the right thing to do?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: Back in 2005, a wonderful movie ("End of the Spear") was released about five young missionaries to Ecuador who were martyred in 1956. Although too violent for younger viewers, the film had all the right elements for teens on up. It was uplifting and encouraging and had the power to motivate people to similarly, and selflessly, serve others.

However, after the film was made, several called for a boycott because, as you said, one of the actors "embraced values and lifestyles with which (those calling for the boycott) strongly disagree(d)." I, too, disagreed with that person's values and lifestyle. But I feel every entertainment product should be evaluated upon its message(s) solely and not the behaviors of the singer, actor, video game maker, etc.

If one eliminates all entertainment based upon the actions of those involved, how far down the list do you go? You might skip a movie over its headline actor, but do you refuse to watch if someone in a scene's background has made poor moral choices? What about the men and women behind the cameras? Or those in charge of lighting? Caterers? Set-builders? The point is, it's impossible to know everything.

A better standard is to let every song, TV show, movie, video game, etc. stand or fall on its own moral merits (or lack thereof). Every form of entertainment has a message, intentional or unintentional. When the message is uplifting and inspiring, celebrate it even if the messenger is flawed (as all of us are to some degree!).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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