Q: Can you offer any insight as to why my 13-year-old daughter has become so contrary about everything? She often seems eager to distance herself from me. I'm not a controlling parent, but it's tough to see how she's acting all of a sudden.

Jim: I understand where you're coming from. Commenting on the struggle parents experience during the teen years, my friend, psychologist and best-selling author Dr. John Townsend, nails the issue when he says it's "because we're needed the most and wanted the least."

Our teenagers need us as much as ever during this turbulent period, but they typically don't want us interfering in their lives. It's a necessary and healthy tension, but one which inevitably leads to conflict.

That's a huge reason why this season is often rough for parents. Understanding that your teen probably isn't trying to make your home miserable may help defuse some of the emotion. But even then, behavioral challenges must still be addressed.

In advising parents how to channel their child's misdirected energy toward more productive outcomes, Townsend suggests four pillars to help guide our interactions with our teenagers:

-- The first is love. No matter what behavior they choose, children need to know their parents love them unconditionally.

-- The second is truth. Families must speak truth to one another kindly. Even if they disagree vigorously on certain subjects, they can, and should, do so respectfully.

-- The third is freedom. Parents don't "give" freedom to their teens. Teens can choose whether to obey or disobey the rules. But ...

-- The flip side to the third pillar is the fourth: consequences. In the same way teenagers have the freedom to choose their own behavior, they also choose -- and must be allowed to experience -- the consequences that go with it.

Q: Do you have any advice for a woman whose husband is being paroled next month after having served time for armed-robbery? I'm eager to have him back home and resume a normal relationship, but at the same time I'm feeling anxious about what to expect.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: You're wise to consider this question beforehand. As you know, your marriage has suffered serious trauma, and it's best to be guarded against unrealistic expectations. Your situation is not one of just picking up where you left off. For your relationship to continue successfully, you and your husband will need to intentionally prepare yourselves for some significant changes.

The first thing I'd encourage you to do is to talk things over with your husband before his release, either in writing or during a face-to-face visit. You might communicate something like, "I still love you and am willing to trust you again, but I'm wrestling with lots of doubts and unanswered questions." If there are deep emotional issues or problems from the past that need to be addressed, it would be a good idea to get the help of an objective and trusted third party in preparing for your conversation.

I'd also recommend communicating with correction officials to learn what kind of track record your spouse has had during his imprisonment. Is he a reformed man? Or is it likely that old behaviors will emerge once he's out? These questions are vital to your own safety and the well-being of any children at home.

With this last thought in mind, we would suggest that you consider separate living arrangements initially while getting marriage counseling from a trained therapist. We'd be happy to provide you with a list of qualified counselors in your area. Please call us at 855-771-4357.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Is there a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation in a case of marital infidelity? A year ago, I discovered that my husband had resumed a previous long-term emotional affair with a friend of mine. Their relationship has ended and I believe I've forgiven him, although I'm still having a hard time trusting or feeling any affection for him.

Jim: I'm sorry to hear of the deep hurt you've experienced. There are, in fact, some very significant distinctions between forgiveness and reconciliation. For one thing, forgiveness is an individual decision, whereas reconciliation is a joint venture. Forgiveness is an element in the larger process of reconciliation. Without true forgiveness there can be no reconciliation, but one can forgive without necessarily being reconciled. A great deal depends on the other person's response.

There's also an important difference between the choice of forgiveness and the emotion of forgiveness. Once you've determined to let go of a past offense, it can sometimes take a while for your feelings to catch up with your cognitive decision. Changes of this nature don't usually happen overnight.

Given the circumstances, your emotions are completely understandable. You husband must give you the time you need to work through those feelings of betrayal and invalidation. He must also realize that before there can be true reconciliation, he needs to respond to your forgiveness by taking the initiative to rebuild trust into the relationship. That means acknowledging his betrayal, entering into your pain, and demonstrating daily his fidelity, reliability and trustworthiness as a person. That's what repentance is all about.

In the meantime, your task is to stay open to trusting him again in spite of the baggage of the past.

If you'd like to discuss your situation further with one of our caring licensed counselors, I'd encourage you to call us at 855-771-HELP (4357). They'll be happy to assist you in any way they can.

Q: We're considering our family's plans for the summer, and a friend suggested that a camp experience could be really good for our kids. What do you think?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: I'd encourage you to give it some serious thought. Summer camp can provide a child with some unforgettable memories along with opportunities to stretch themselves physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually in a fun-filled environment. Today's camps are designed to accommodate and meet a wide range of interests and needs with something for almost everyone, from the intellectually curious child to the sports-minded and physically active, as well as those with special needs or specific health challenges. Other camps are faith-based, with an emphasis on encouraging spiritual growth.

While weighing different options, it's important to consider not only your child's particular interests, but also their personality, temperament and stage of development. For instance, if your child tends to be anxious or is younger than fifth grade, it's generally best to begin with short day camps. Preteens and teens, on the other hand, are usually ready to begin experiencing the healthy independence that overnight camps can offer. In either situation, connecting your child with another attendee beforehand can help reduce apprehension and facilitate deeper bonds between campers.

With summer on the horizon and many camps filling up in the early spring, I'd encourage you to introduce the idea and begin exploring options with your kids. If you're not sure where to start, Focus on the Family would be happy to put you in touch with several excellent camps and camp organizations. Feel free to call us at 800-A-FAMILY.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I've heard you advocate for teaching moral values in our homes and to our children. Your view, however, seems archaic and misguided. People are "immoral" for only one reason: They're ignorant. Your approach seems not only ineffective, but a distraction from the greater need of formal education. Doesn't this reasoning make more sense?

Jim: Teddy Roosevelt is credited with saying, "A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad." His point? Education alone is inadequate to build character.

I've noticed a peculiar pattern in our culture. Whenever a new statistic is released that reveals some negative trend in society, it seems the call immediately goes out for more education. Whether it be the growing tide of drug abuse, teen pregnancy -- or any other social challenge -- conventional wisdom suggests these problems could be resolved if people simply knew better.

Now, let me be clear. I believe that education is critical and invaluable to any culture, and there is no questioning that ours is better for it. But as President Roosevelt so aptly explained, intelligence and morals are not the same thing. Intelligence deals with information; morals provide a foundation of wisdom for how that information ought to be used. A society needs both in order to be healthy.

Although some may be inclined to dismiss the importance of moral values, I'm firmly convinced that we would do well to heed the words of Dr. Wilbur Crafts, who observed, "It is not worthwhile to educate a man's wits unless you educate his conscience also."

Q: My toddler has been fondling his genitals a lot. I've caught him at it several times at home, and once it even happened in public. What should I do?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: Relax. You've no reason to be overly concerned. This behavior is a normal expression of early sexuality. If you respond calmly and in an age-appropriate way, the habit should pass as soon as maturity and social pressure begin to take effect.

Many parents are surprised to learn that genital fondling does not produce a sexual "charge" with small children. Instead, they do it because they find it self-soothing -- often as a way of dealing with boredom, anxiety or nervousness. If you want to curtail it, start by saying something like, "I've noticed you touching your penis (or vagina) a lot lately." Be frank and open and ask questions -- for example, "Why have you been doing this? Does it make you feel good?"

Determine the emotions that are driving the behavior and then redirect it by encouraging your child to focus on something else. Point out other ways he can soothe himself or feel more secure. Offer alternatives, like a teddy bear, a pillow or a special blanket.

Depending on your child's age, you can explain that there are some things we don't do in front of other people (it might be helpful to use the analogy of using the toilet). These things aren't bad, just private. If we do them in public, they can make others feel uncomfortable. Your purpose in speaking this way is simply to sensitize your child to the social implications of his behavior. Throughout this conversation, your tone should be firm and confident, not shocked or embarrassed.

In the final analysis, it's important to remember that children are not asexual. Your child's behavior is merely demonstrating that he's properly wired. So relax and give your child -- and yourself -- a break.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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