Q: Our family schedule is pretty crazy, and it seems like we're all just getting busier. We're trying to make changes, but meanwhile I'm concerned about staying connected with our children in what little "free time" we have. What do you suggest?

Jim: Parenting can certainly be challenging, and it's easy to let the serious business fill every hollow. But sometimes you just have to know when to be playful.

I'll share a personal example. I came home from work one day just as my boys came dragging into the house from the backyard. Troy was limping and Trent had a black and blue mark emerging on his chin. "What happened?" I asked. Troy said, "Don't jump on the trampoline with Mom. She landed on my ankle." Then Trent said, "Her knee cracked me right in the jaw."

Obviously, that playtime didn't go so well, but believe it or not, it did have a positive outcome. First, it was a moment we all still laugh about. But more importantly, Jean's playfulness drew the boys closer to her. The bum ankle and sore jaw are long forgotten, but my boys will always remember their mom taking time out of her busy schedule to play with them.

That's a great reminder for every parent. The pressures of adult life can make us a little too serious sometimes. Be playful. Play board games, wrestle on the floor, throw the ball around. Find something your children like to do and join them. It'll deepen your relationship with them, and they'll see you as more than a disciplinarian or someone who cooks dinner and does the laundry. They'll see you as someone who really enjoys spending time with them whenever you can. And to a child, that equals feeling loved.

Q: Our son is 10 years old. Up to this point, I'll admit that we didn't give much thought to entertainment, since he was content with what we gave him. But now he's starting to develop his own interests and tastes, and we want to establish some reasonable guidelines. What are your thoughts?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: The key is to avoid extremes. Many parents take an "all or nothing" approach, rather than teaching and reinforcing values on a case-by-case basis. These Moms and Dads tend to swing to one extreme or the other -- something that's easy to do.

The first extreme is permissiveness. Some parents seemingly can't say no to their children. They so much want to be liked by their kids that they seldom risk setting limits. They adopt an "anything goes" philosophy: No boundaries, everything is OK, do what you want. This approach leads to "indecent exposure" as children wander, aimless and wide-eyed, through the mire of the entertainment culture. We have to be parents who know how and when to say no.

The other extreme is legalism. Parents at this end of the spectrum rarely explain their decisions, but simply respond with a blanket "No." This type of parenting purports to be about safeguarding. It isn't. While this approach may simplify entertainment decisions, it also can breed rebellion. Human nature being what it is, at some point kids will want to sample "forbidden fruit" just because "everything" has been refused without context. That's why we also need to be parents who can say yes when it's warranted.

Neither of the extremes works. A discerning middle ground -- that not only articulates what (yes or no) but also why -- is the most reasonable and protective plan of action. Teaching discernment encourages balance, leads to critical thinking, bonds families, and gives tweens and teens life skills they'll carry throughout adulthood.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm getting married in June. My fiancee and I want to have a great lifelong relationship, so we're asking various people for advice and input. What's your perspective?

Jim: Every couple wants a loving marriage that'll endure for the long haul. So it's worth asking, "Why do so few relationships seem to actually experience that kind of genuine intimacy?"

I think part of the answer lies in what we expect from relationships. The primary reason we're attracted to people is because of the way they make us feel. Now, I want as much as anyone to experience good feelings in my marriage. But superficial emotions like that aren't enough of a foundation to sustain a relationship or to create deep, fulfilling intimacy. That's because as soon as the good feelings disappear, so does the person's commitment to the relationship. It's why people abandon friendships. And it's why people give up on marriages.

True love is something quite different. Love is patient and understanding. And, yes, love can be hard. It sacrifices for someone else and chooses to stay with them in spite of their faults. Instead of running away, love faces challenges head on, so it can break through to something richer and more meaningful. As one person put it, love is "seeing the darkness in another person, yet resisting the impulse to jump ship."

Very few things in life are as enriching as true intimacy in marriage. The path to authentic, soul-fulfilling intimacy in a relationship isn't always strewn with rose petals; sometimes there are a few thorns along the way. But it's definitely worth the work.

Q: My husband and I both seem to be angry all the time. We end up taking it out on each other, even though neither of us wants to live this way. How do we break this cycle?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: It helps to acknowledge that anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary feeling. It generally disguises other emotions and often occurs after we've felt fear, frustration, hurt or some combination of these three emotions. And sometimes anger is triggered by an unfulfilled expectation that causes us to feel disappointed.

So when you experience anger, or you encounter someone who is angry, try to remember that there is likely more to the picture. Sometimes it's easier to feel compassion for ourselves or others when we realize that fear, frustration or hurt is hidden underneath smoldering anger.

This certainly doesn't give us, or anyone else, the right to explode in rage at someone. But recognizing that anger is often a secondary reaction to inner fear or hurt can help us respond to angry people, including our spouses, with understanding and compassion.

In every scenario, we have a choice: We can recognize that our emotions are normal responses to everyday occurrences, or we can ignore our emotions and stuff them. When we mismanage our anger, we risk destroying relationships -- especially with those we love the most.

Again, that's the key thing about anger: how we handle it. When we handle it poorly, we push away those we love the most, leaving a trail of damaged relationships in our wake. Ultimately, unhealthy ways of dealing with anger can be passed from one generation to the next, causing even more destruction. But when we deal with anger in healthy ways, it can lead to greater understanding and intimacy in our marriages.

To get started, you may well need some qualified professional help. Our staff of licensed counselors is available to speak with you and provide you with a local referral. You can reach them for a free consultation Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. MST at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I've built a pretty successful career in the corporate world, but I've recently recognized that I don't interact with my wife and children nearly as well as I do my employees. I want to lead my family even better than I do my business, yet I feel stuck. Do you have any advice for taking what I do best and applying that at home?

Jim: I applaud your motivation, and I think I can draw a parallel for you. When our organization's board of directors meets, we take conversations about our budget, accomplishments and future endeavors very seriously. To make good choices about where we want to go, we have to have an accurate picture of where we've been, and where we currently stand.

As parents, it's helpful to think of ourselves as CEOs of our own family business and to chart a course through life with the same diligence. This applies to practical decisions we face each day -- we have to pay bills, keep gas in the car, buy groceries and get the laundry done. But we also need to be attentive to the larger strategic elements of our family, like the spiritual, emotional and relational aspects of life.

As a starting place, a husband and wife ought to have honest conversations with each other about the strengths and weaknesses of their marriage. If your children are old enough, I recommend you have regular household meetings as well. It's important for each family member to have an opportunity to discuss everything from chores and homework and curfews, to how well relationships within the family are doing. This allows your children to feel included in matters that impact them, and it teaches them to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. You're still "the boss," but you're involving them in the decision-making process.

For more suggestions and tips for helping your family thrive, see focusonthefamily.com.

Q: How can I help my young daughter develop healthy friendships? I know how easy it can be for kids to make the wrong kinds of friends or to establish connections with others for the wrong reasons. What can I do to provide some helpful guidance in this area?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Parents play a crucial role in teaching children how to develop and maintain healthy friendships. Often this happens unconsciously, but it helps if Mom and Dad can find ways to be intentional about it.

The first step is to guide your child in the development of strong positive virtues. In other words, you have to begin by helping her become the kind of person who can be a good friend. By modeling and discussing these virtues, you can protect your daughter from many of the heartaches that result from unwise associations. Some of the most important qualities you can build into her character include honesty, loyalty, respect, compassion and acceptance.

The second step is to build your child's confidence. A healthy self-esteem increases the likelihood that she will make wise choices about the connections she forms with others. You can build her confidence by affirming her strengths and congratulating her when she does something well. Spending time with her on an individual basis communicates the message that you value her as a person and enjoy her company.

You can also enhance the process of meeting new people by involving your child in socially interactive activities, such as sports or music. And you can encourage friendships by throwing parties or inviting her friends over for dinner -- say, a different child over every other week.

Making friends can be a challenge for any of us at any age, but it's facilitated by remembering the classic Golden Rule: "Treat others the way you want them to treat you."

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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