parenting

Executive Wants to Build Leadership Skills With Family

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | March 6th, 2016

Q: I've built a pretty successful career in the corporate world, but I've recently recognized that I don't interact with my wife and children nearly as well as I do my employees. I want to lead my family even better than I do my business, yet I feel stuck. Do you have any advice for taking what I do best and applying that at home?

Jim: I applaud your motivation, and I think I can draw a parallel for you. When our organization's board of directors meets, we take conversations about our budget, accomplishments and future endeavors very seriously. To make good choices about where we want to go, we have to have an accurate picture of where we've been, and where we currently stand.

As parents, it's helpful to think of ourselves as CEOs of our own family business and to chart a course through life with the same diligence. This applies to practical decisions we face each day -- we have to pay bills, keep gas in the car, buy groceries and get the laundry done. But we also need to be attentive to the larger strategic elements of our family, like the spiritual, emotional and relational aspects of life.

As a starting place, a husband and wife ought to have honest conversations with each other about the strengths and weaknesses of their marriage. If your children are old enough, I recommend you have regular household meetings as well. It's important for each family member to have an opportunity to discuss everything from chores and homework and curfews, to how well relationships within the family are doing. This allows your children to feel included in matters that impact them, and it teaches them to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. You're still "the boss," but you're involving them in the decision-making process.

For more suggestions and tips for helping your family thrive, see focusonthefamily.com.

Q: How can I help my young daughter develop healthy friendships? I know how easy it can be for kids to make the wrong kinds of friends or to establish connections with others for the wrong reasons. What can I do to provide some helpful guidance in this area?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Parents play a crucial role in teaching children how to develop and maintain healthy friendships. Often this happens unconsciously, but it helps if Mom and Dad can find ways to be intentional about it.

The first step is to guide your child in the development of strong positive virtues. In other words, you have to begin by helping her become the kind of person who can be a good friend. By modeling and discussing these virtues, you can protect your daughter from many of the heartaches that result from unwise associations. Some of the most important qualities you can build into her character include honesty, loyalty, respect, compassion and acceptance.

The second step is to build your child's confidence. A healthy self-esteem increases the likelihood that she will make wise choices about the connections she forms with others. You can build her confidence by affirming her strengths and congratulating her when she does something well. Spending time with her on an individual basis communicates the message that you value her as a person and enjoy her company.

You can also enhance the process of meeting new people by involving your child in socially interactive activities, such as sports or music. And you can encourage friendships by throwing parties or inviting her friends over for dinner -- say, a different child over every other week.

Making friends can be a challenge for any of us at any age, but it's facilitated by remembering the classic Golden Rule: "Treat others the way you want them to treat you."

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Fathers Can Affirm Sons' Many Strengths Through Play

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | February 28th, 2016

Q: What's the relationship between fatherlessness and violent behavior among adolescent boys? I'm wondering about this because statistics show that an increasing number of children are growing up in homes where no father is present.

Jim: As the president of a large family-help organization, and as a boy who grew up without a dad, I can testify that these two phenomena are closely related. There are many factors and dynamics, but one of them has to do with the specifically masculine way in which men tend to play with their kids.

As you're probably aware, Moms and Dads play differently. Boys have an inborn need to engage in rough-and-tumble activity from an early age. It's one of the ways they gain self-confidence and learn to gauge their own strength. Dad is the one who can help them in this area. Mom may worry that "someone will get hurt" when father and son start wrestling on the floor, but there's an important sense in which that's precisely the point. A friendly scuffle with Dad -- in a safe and controlled environment -- goes a long way toward teaching kids about appropriate boundaries in play. And in the process, fathers are afforded a great opportunity to affirm their sons' strength and skill.

So what happens when a boy grows up without this kind of interaction with his dad? This is where the connection between fatherlessness and teen violence rears its ugly head. If a boy doesn't learn about appropriate boundaries in physical activity, and if he doesn't get the masculine affirmation he needs from his father, he may feel driven to "prove" himself somehow. He'll enter the adolescent years with a deep-seated need to let others know that he's a person who deserves respect. And he may end up demanding it in some pretty unhealthy ways.

Q: I realize that I need to "be the parent" when it comes to setting boundaries for my kids' media and entertainment consumption. I'm guessing that they won't be overjoyed with having rules and guidelines, but is there a strategy or an approach I can take that is more likely to be effective in getting them to buy in?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: When establishing media standards, one point that's particularly helpful for kids to understand is that they're not alone in needing to have boundaries in their lives. Discipline in all areas of life is healthy and necessary. In fact, when it comes to labeling entertainment as "acceptable" or "out of bounds," almost all of us do it to varying degrees. With movies for instance, millions use the MPAA ratings as their film-viewing boundary marker. Others may contend that they have no boundaries at all, but the truth is, even these individuals have their limits.

Once your children realize that establishing boundaries is healthy and universal, then the natural question and discussion ensues of determining where to draw that line. I'm not a fan of relying on gut feelings, Uncle Joe or ratings, as they are often misleading and untrustworthy from a discernment perspective. Better questions to ask are, "Will I become a better person if I play this video game, listen to this song or watch this TV show or movie?" or, "Will it inspire me? Will it encourage me to a life of greater virtue, sacrifice and service of others?" or, "Will it be of benefit to my inner self, my thoughts and my decision making?"

If the answer is no, then help your kids learn that this is where to set the boundary.

Fortunately, with a bit of research (see pluggedin.com), there are a lot of media products that fall within the acceptable and healthy consumption category.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Fathers Have an Important Role in Instilling Modesty

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | February 21st, 2016

Q: How can fathers help their girls learn about modesty? I want my daughter to get a handle on this concept before she becomes a teen, but I feel awkward addressing this subject with her. What's my role here?

Jim: For a girl, Dad is usually the first man in her life. How he treats her will affect her relationship with other men throughout her teenage years and adulthood. He also has a huge influence in terms of the way he shows his appreciation for his daughter's femininity and in how he encourages her to express it.

When it comes to teaching girls the basics of appropriate attire, it's Mom who should, whenever possible, exercise the heavy hand on occasions when boundaries need to be enforced. By way of contrast, Dad needs to affirm his daughter, show her that he's there for her, and help her understand the rationale behind the rules.

In short, a girl needs to know that her father cares about her. She needs to be convinced that he's acting out of a desire to protect her and isn't just cramping her style. This means that Dad should watch for those occasions when his daughter does it right. If she comes downstairs in a becoming, appropriate outfit, he needs to make a big deal of it. Equally important is to affirm her beauty in natural and everyday settings.

On the other hand, when your daughter gets it wrong, you have the opportunity to come alongside her and ask, "Why did you choose to wear that? What do you think it says about you and how you view your own femininity?" Use the occasion to talk about respect between the sexes and the kind of clothes and behavior that can nurture or destroy it. You can turn the world into a classroom to teach your daughter what it means to respect herself and to communicate that respect to others through the way she dresses.

Q: When should my husband and I stop showering with our toddler-age children and changing clothes in front of them? Can you give us some guidelines for modesty in the home?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: There really isn't a hard and fast rule for dealing with this issue. Most pediatricians and child development experts agree that when a child begins to express a desire for privacy when naked or using the bathroom, that's the time parents should begin to express more personal modesty. This typically occurs around the age of 3 or 4. For some kids, it may be a little later.

What's most important is that you begin to instill an understanding of healthy sexuality in your children from an early age. You should start when they're toddlers, using age-appropriate concepts and language.

For example, when a young child asks questions about where babies come from, answer in a positive, straightforward manner. You might say something like "God made a special way for mommies and daddies to have babies. He uses a tiny little seed from Daddy and a tiny little egg from Mommy. The seed and the egg come together inside Mommy's tummy, and then God does a miracle and makes a new baby." This kind of explanation is typically sufficient for most younger kids. You don't need to go into a detailed description of human physiology.

Most experts also recommend using accurate names for male and female genitalia. Cutesy names or code words can be confusing to a child, and can unintentionally lead to shame and embarrassment down the road, especially with other children.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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