Q: How can fathers help their girls learn about modesty? I want my daughter to get a handle on this concept before she becomes a teen, but I feel awkward addressing this subject with her. What's my role here?

Jim: For a girl, Dad is usually the first man in her life. How he treats her will affect her relationship with other men throughout her teenage years and adulthood. He also has a huge influence in terms of the way he shows his appreciation for his daughter's femininity and in how he encourages her to express it.

When it comes to teaching girls the basics of appropriate attire, it's Mom who should, whenever possible, exercise the heavy hand on occasions when boundaries need to be enforced. By way of contrast, Dad needs to affirm his daughter, show her that he's there for her, and help her understand the rationale behind the rules.

In short, a girl needs to know that her father cares about her. She needs to be convinced that he's acting out of a desire to protect her and isn't just cramping her style. This means that Dad should watch for those occasions when his daughter does it right. If she comes downstairs in a becoming, appropriate outfit, he needs to make a big deal of it. Equally important is to affirm her beauty in natural and everyday settings.

On the other hand, when your daughter gets it wrong, you have the opportunity to come alongside her and ask, "Why did you choose to wear that? What do you think it says about you and how you view your own femininity?" Use the occasion to talk about respect between the sexes and the kind of clothes and behavior that can nurture or destroy it. You can turn the world into a classroom to teach your daughter what it means to respect herself and to communicate that respect to others through the way she dresses.

Q: When should my husband and I stop showering with our toddler-age children and changing clothes in front of them? Can you give us some guidelines for modesty in the home?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: There really isn't a hard and fast rule for dealing with this issue. Most pediatricians and child development experts agree that when a child begins to express a desire for privacy when naked or using the bathroom, that's the time parents should begin to express more personal modesty. This typically occurs around the age of 3 or 4. For some kids, it may be a little later.

What's most important is that you begin to instill an understanding of healthy sexuality in your children from an early age. You should start when they're toddlers, using age-appropriate concepts and language.

For example, when a young child asks questions about where babies come from, answer in a positive, straightforward manner. You might say something like "God made a special way for mommies and daddies to have babies. He uses a tiny little seed from Daddy and a tiny little egg from Mommy. The seed and the egg come together inside Mommy's tummy, and then God does a miracle and makes a new baby." This kind of explanation is typically sufficient for most younger kids. You don't need to go into a detailed description of human physiology.

Most experts also recommend using accurate names for male and female genitalia. Cutesy names or code words can be confusing to a child, and can unintentionally lead to shame and embarrassment down the road, especially with other children.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My teenage daughter is a "crushaholic." She's constantly seeking affirmation from boys, and she's either high as a kite or sad and depressed, depending on the attention she gets. Is this normal?

Jim: I don't have daughters, but my boys are 15 and 13, so I'm seeing the upheaval of the teen years firsthand. The physical, mental and emotional changes can be intense, especially for young girls.

As with many developmental issues, this one has roots that are good and God-given. Puberty floods a teen girl's brain with hormones that awaken her heart to relationships, love and romance. But without proper boundaries, the longing to be desirable to members of the opposite sex can spiral to where a girl believes her worth is dependent on a guy's validation. It can become an obsession leading young girls into relationships that they don't have the emotional maturity to handle. When a relationship goes wrong, a girl feels like her life is falling apart.

What can a parent say to help a teenager who's experienced a broken heart? Don't say anything at all at first. Just put your arms around her, hold her, let her cry and help her to rebuild the foundation of trust and understanding of a loving relationship. When it is time to speak, don't minimize or trivialize her feelings. She'll probably think this is the worst thing that has ever happened to her, and at this point in her life it may be.

If you haven't yet, you'll want to begin helping her learn to navigate a culture that is saturated with unhealthy messages about sexuality and relationships. You can't shield her from it, but you can equip her with the tools to manage it.

Focus on the Family would be happy to provide you with helpful resources to work through this or other challenges you might be facing. Please don't hesitate to contact us at 1-800-A-FAMILY.

Q: It's sad to say, but I've come to where I dread Valentine's Day. The love and romance hype only shines a light on what a disappointment my own marriage has become. Is there any hope for us?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I feel for you and understand how lonely Valentine's Day can be for those in hurting marriages.

There are many reasons why love in marriage fades. Serious problems like addiction, abuse, extramarital affairs and mental illness can certainly extinguish feelings of romance. For those who've encountered these painful experiences, I'd encourage you to seek counseling. Our own licensed counselors would be happy to help point you in the right direction.

Husbands and wives can "fall out of love" for other reasons, too. The busyness and stress of work, kids and finances can cause a couple to drift apart over the years until one day they realize the only thing they share is a tube of toothpaste. If this is where you find yourselves, don't give up. There are many things you can do to get your marriage back on track, but sitting back and waiting for flowers isn't one of them.

One remedy I'm a firm believer in is a couple relearning how to have fun together. In fact, it's the whole idea behind Focus on the Family's "Date Night Challenge." We know the concept works based on research showing that 92 percent of couples who make date night a priority have increased satisfaction in their relationships. I'd strongly encourage you to give it a chance. You can learn more by visiting www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/promos/date-night-challenge. You'll find fresh date night ideas, and if you want, you can dig even deeper by getting a copy of my book, "Take the Date Night Challenge."

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My fiance and I are getting married this spring and we've run into a conflict concerning finances. Should we have joint or separate checking accounts after we're married? What are your thoughts?

Jim: Opinions on this question vary, but as I see it, a "yours and mine" mentality is not conducive to a healthy, happy marriage. A husband and wife are not two people who happen to sleep in the same bed but lead separate and independent lives. On the contrary, marriage is best and most fulfilling when both spouses are "all in" and cast their lot together, for better or worse. The sharing of your financial assets is an important part of sharing life as a whole. And this includes the establishment of joint accounts.

In some cases, special circumstances may necessitate opening separate accounts for separate things -- a personal business venture, for instance. But for the most part, it's best to handle your finances as a team. If both of you will be working outside the home, you can put all of your earnings into one account and then agree that each of you will receive an equal share of a monthly "allowance." That's the simplest way to keep yourselves accountable to one another.

If you're uneasy with this arrangement, you need to determine why. You've given us few details about your relationship with your fiance, so we really aren't in a position to comment on this aspect of your question. We can only tell you that if two people don't feel they can trust or ought to be accountable to one another, they would be well-advised to re-evaluate their marriage plans, or at least get some serious premarital counseling. It's best to resolve issues of this nature before tying the knot.

Q: When should we talk with our son about what it means to be a responsible husband and father? He's still pretty young -- not even in his teens yet. Should we wait until after puberty? Or would it be better to hold off even longer?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: That's a good question that deserves careful consideration for many reasons. Perhaps the most significant is the tendency for today's couples to marry later in life than in the past. As a result, young adults are entering into marriage with a stronger sense of individualism and personal independence than previous generations. While a certain level of this can be healthy, it can also present challenges for a marriage relationship. Often times the more "set" two people have become -- the more time they've had to "harden" their personal routines -- the more difficult it can be for them to merge and meld in marriage.

Why mention this? Because, from a certain perspective, it underscores the need to start preparing our boys to understand the responsibilities involved with marriage and family life as early as possible. Good husbands and fathers don't just happen. We have to create them. And we create them, at least in part, by teaching and modeling for them beforehand that good marriages and strong families are built on a foundation of love, and that love often means putting aside self-interests and learning to make sacrifices for others.

With that in mind, it's wise to start talking to your son about what it means to be a good husband and father now -- before he's had a chance to form too many self-centered, potentially relationship-damaging habits. A good man anticipates what lies ahead on the journey and prepares for it. I'd encourage you to help your son get moving in that direction as soon as you can.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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