Q: My fiance and I are getting married this spring and we've run into a conflict concerning finances. Should we have joint or separate checking accounts after we're married? What are your thoughts?

Jim: Opinions on this question vary, but as I see it, a "yours and mine" mentality is not conducive to a healthy, happy marriage. A husband and wife are not two people who happen to sleep in the same bed but lead separate and independent lives. On the contrary, marriage is best and most fulfilling when both spouses are "all in" and cast their lot together, for better or worse. The sharing of your financial assets is an important part of sharing life as a whole. And this includes the establishment of joint accounts.

In some cases, special circumstances may necessitate opening separate accounts for separate things -- a personal business venture, for instance. But for the most part, it's best to handle your finances as a team. If both of you will be working outside the home, you can put all of your earnings into one account and then agree that each of you will receive an equal share of a monthly "allowance." That's the simplest way to keep yourselves accountable to one another.

If you're uneasy with this arrangement, you need to determine why. You've given us few details about your relationship with your fiance, so we really aren't in a position to comment on this aspect of your question. We can only tell you that if two people don't feel they can trust or ought to be accountable to one another, they would be well-advised to re-evaluate their marriage plans, or at least get some serious premarital counseling. It's best to resolve issues of this nature before tying the knot.

Q: When should we talk with our son about what it means to be a responsible husband and father? He's still pretty young -- not even in his teens yet. Should we wait until after puberty? Or would it be better to hold off even longer?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: That's a good question that deserves careful consideration for many reasons. Perhaps the most significant is the tendency for today's couples to marry later in life than in the past. As a result, young adults are entering into marriage with a stronger sense of individualism and personal independence than previous generations. While a certain level of this can be healthy, it can also present challenges for a marriage relationship. Often times the more "set" two people have become -- the more time they've had to "harden" their personal routines -- the more difficult it can be for them to merge and meld in marriage.

Why mention this? Because, from a certain perspective, it underscores the need to start preparing our boys to understand the responsibilities involved with marriage and family life as early as possible. Good husbands and fathers don't just happen. We have to create them. And we create them, at least in part, by teaching and modeling for them beforehand that good marriages and strong families are built on a foundation of love, and that love often means putting aside self-interests and learning to make sacrifices for others.

With that in mind, it's wise to start talking to your son about what it means to be a good husband and father now -- before he's had a chance to form too many self-centered, potentially relationship-damaging habits. A good man anticipates what lies ahead on the journey and prepares for it. I'd encourage you to help your son get moving in that direction as soon as you can.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years, and frankly, the relationship has become somewhat stale and even boring. It seems like we're basically just going through the motions. We don't want a long checklist, but do you have one suggestion for something we can do to help?

Jim: I once asked author Ted Cunningham, "What's the best advice you ever got on marriage?" His reply was short and to the point: "That's easy -- lighten up and laugh!"

Why do you suppose Ted's thoughts jumped immediately to the importance of humor and lightheartedness? It's because life in this world can be a grind. Our daily routines are rarely easy and, at times, they're even marked by tragedy. All of us need opportunities to stop for rest and refreshment along the way. Retreats and oases are absolutely indispensable to life's journey. And I firmly believe that marriage ought to be one of them.

Now, I know what you're probably thinking at this point: "My marriage? An oasis?" But this is precisely what it can be if you take the time to grease the skids with healthy doses of laughter. A couple's role is not to squash all the good moments, but to share them with each other. Remember, the two of you got married because once upon a time you actually looked forward to being together!

So if you feel like you've lost that spark, make an effort to recapture it. Fan the flames again. If you can do that -- if you can lighten up, laugh and enjoy the journey together -- you're halfway toward achieving genuine marital success. And, in the process, I predict you'll eliminate much of the monotony and boredom that have characterized your daily grind in the first place.

Q: A friend of mine regularly takes her young children with her when she attends PG-13 and R-rated movies. She doesn't seem to think twice about it. Do you think that's wise?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: One of the most baffling things to me about parenting in this day and age is the fact that many moms and dads who would take a bullet for their children don't think twice about "abusing" their kids when it comes to entertainment. I put "abusing" in quotes because culturally we don't consider it child cruelty. But I do. More specifically, I'm talking about parents who, like your friend, take their young kids to movies that could cause serious emotional and spiritual damage, and influence their children in untold negative ways.

At a recent screening of a film that I knew was going to push the envelope, I actually asked the mom next to me something along these lines, "Since you haven't seen this film, do you worry that the content will be detrimental to your child?"

Her response was telling. Instead of saying, "Oh, yes. I'm very concerned about how the messages and visuals in films might affect my child. I'm just pretty sure this isn't one of those types of movies," what I got was something very different. The mother motioned with her hand in a sweeping gesture and said, "Look at all the children here at this movie."

In other words, her justification had nothing to do with the welfare of her child, but simply the fact that she wasn't alone in her decision.

I believe responsible parenting involves being informed about what your kids might be exposed to before it happens. That's why our team at PluggedIn.com works so hard to do what we do -- provide the detailed information parents need to make entertainment choices based on what's best for their children.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I fight about money all the time. We both hate the conflict, but we feel stuck in this pattern -- especially since there never seems to be enough cash in the bank. What do you suggest?

Jim: Conflict over finances can be hard on a marriage. In fact, research shows couples who argue about money are twice as likely to divorce as those who don't. So above all, you'll want to emphasize the health of your relationship over the details of accounting. Once you're on the same team, it's easier to implement a couple of practical solutions.

The first step is deciding to live within your means. More than likely, you'll have to take a closer look at the cost of your lifestyle. Most couples struggling with debt have no clear idea how much they spend each month on groceries, car payments and entertainment. Without a willingness to live on what you earn, it's not a matter of if, but when, your finances will crash.

The second important step is to establish a budget. There are many resources available to walk you through the nuts and bolts of doing that. But, for now, understand that a plan is a crucial tool to help you live within your means and to make saving for a rainy day possible.

Why? Because budgets force you to prioritize your spending habits. It'll probably mean less of "this" and no more of "that" -- which, admittedly, are tough decisions and key reasons many folks avoid budgets altogether. But remember the goal: getting your money under control together, so you can reduce the conflict threatening your relationship. If you feel like you need more guidance in this matter, you can start with our licensed staff counselors by calling 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: Should we be concerned about a child who doesn't like to take risks? For example, our 8-year-old consistently avoids scary roller coasters. My husband thinks he should be pushed harder and forced to face his fears. I feel we should give him time to develop confidence at his own pace. What's your perspective?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: My first suggestion is that you and your husband try to come to a mutually agreeable consensus. In general -- and as my wife, Erin, and I can attest -- dads often tend to be more adventurous, while moms are naturally protective. I think there's an equitable balance to be found.

In that context, we as parents do well to remember that every child has a unique personality. Some kids are simply biologically wired to be more cautious and careful. This isn't necessarily a sign of cowardice or timidity. In some cases it may actually be a mark of prudence and maturity beyond a child's years. (Birth order can affect a child's temperament as well.)

It's also important to consider a child's age and level of development. There are a lot of elementary school kids who don't enjoy riding on gigantic "death-drop" roller coasters. The same thing can probably be said of many adults -- to a certain extent this is just a matter of personal taste and preference. Your son is still a child, and therefore he thinks and behaves as a child.

Along those lines, keep in mind that your son still has his entire life ahead of him. The process of growing up may involve all kinds of changes in his temperament. It's entirely possible for a cautious kid to turn into a thrill-seeking teenager. So my best advice for both of you, as parents, is simply to unconditionally love and support your son as he develops into the person he was created to be.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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