Q: My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years, and frankly, the relationship has become somewhat stale and even boring. It seems like we're basically just going through the motions. We don't want a long checklist, but do you have one suggestion for something we can do to help?

Jim: I once asked author Ted Cunningham, "What's the best advice you ever got on marriage?" His reply was short and to the point: "That's easy -- lighten up and laugh!"

Why do you suppose Ted's thoughts jumped immediately to the importance of humor and lightheartedness? It's because life in this world can be a grind. Our daily routines are rarely easy and, at times, they're even marked by tragedy. All of us need opportunities to stop for rest and refreshment along the way. Retreats and oases are absolutely indispensable to life's journey. And I firmly believe that marriage ought to be one of them.

Now, I know what you're probably thinking at this point: "My marriage? An oasis?" But this is precisely what it can be if you take the time to grease the skids with healthy doses of laughter. A couple's role is not to squash all the good moments, but to share them with each other. Remember, the two of you got married because once upon a time you actually looked forward to being together!

So if you feel like you've lost that spark, make an effort to recapture it. Fan the flames again. If you can do that -- if you can lighten up, laugh and enjoy the journey together -- you're halfway toward achieving genuine marital success. And, in the process, I predict you'll eliminate much of the monotony and boredom that have characterized your daily grind in the first place.

Q: A friend of mine regularly takes her young children with her when she attends PG-13 and R-rated movies. She doesn't seem to think twice about it. Do you think that's wise?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: One of the most baffling things to me about parenting in this day and age is the fact that many moms and dads who would take a bullet for their children don't think twice about "abusing" their kids when it comes to entertainment. I put "abusing" in quotes because culturally we don't consider it child cruelty. But I do. More specifically, I'm talking about parents who, like your friend, take their young kids to movies that could cause serious emotional and spiritual damage, and influence their children in untold negative ways.

At a recent screening of a film that I knew was going to push the envelope, I actually asked the mom next to me something along these lines, "Since you haven't seen this film, do you worry that the content will be detrimental to your child?"

Her response was telling. Instead of saying, "Oh, yes. I'm very concerned about how the messages and visuals in films might affect my child. I'm just pretty sure this isn't one of those types of movies," what I got was something very different. The mother motioned with her hand in a sweeping gesture and said, "Look at all the children here at this movie."

In other words, her justification had nothing to do with the welfare of her child, but simply the fact that she wasn't alone in her decision.

I believe responsible parenting involves being informed about what your kids might be exposed to before it happens. That's why our team at PluggedIn.com works so hard to do what we do -- provide the detailed information parents need to make entertainment choices based on what's best for their children.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I fight about money all the time. We both hate the conflict, but we feel stuck in this pattern -- especially since there never seems to be enough cash in the bank. What do you suggest?

Jim: Conflict over finances can be hard on a marriage. In fact, research shows couples who argue about money are twice as likely to divorce as those who don't. So above all, you'll want to emphasize the health of your relationship over the details of accounting. Once you're on the same team, it's easier to implement a couple of practical solutions.

The first step is deciding to live within your means. More than likely, you'll have to take a closer look at the cost of your lifestyle. Most couples struggling with debt have no clear idea how much they spend each month on groceries, car payments and entertainment. Without a willingness to live on what you earn, it's not a matter of if, but when, your finances will crash.

The second important step is to establish a budget. There are many resources available to walk you through the nuts and bolts of doing that. But, for now, understand that a plan is a crucial tool to help you live within your means and to make saving for a rainy day possible.

Why? Because budgets force you to prioritize your spending habits. It'll probably mean less of "this" and no more of "that" -- which, admittedly, are tough decisions and key reasons many folks avoid budgets altogether. But remember the goal: getting your money under control together, so you can reduce the conflict threatening your relationship. If you feel like you need more guidance in this matter, you can start with our licensed staff counselors by calling 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: Should we be concerned about a child who doesn't like to take risks? For example, our 8-year-old consistently avoids scary roller coasters. My husband thinks he should be pushed harder and forced to face his fears. I feel we should give him time to develop confidence at his own pace. What's your perspective?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: My first suggestion is that you and your husband try to come to a mutually agreeable consensus. In general -- and as my wife, Erin, and I can attest -- dads often tend to be more adventurous, while moms are naturally protective. I think there's an equitable balance to be found.

In that context, we as parents do well to remember that every child has a unique personality. Some kids are simply biologically wired to be more cautious and careful. This isn't necessarily a sign of cowardice or timidity. In some cases it may actually be a mark of prudence and maturity beyond a child's years. (Birth order can affect a child's temperament as well.)

It's also important to consider a child's age and level of development. There are a lot of elementary school kids who don't enjoy riding on gigantic "death-drop" roller coasters. The same thing can probably be said of many adults -- to a certain extent this is just a matter of personal taste and preference. Your son is still a child, and therefore he thinks and behaves as a child.

Along those lines, keep in mind that your son still has his entire life ahead of him. The process of growing up may involve all kinds of changes in his temperament. It's entirely possible for a cautious kid to turn into a thrill-seeking teenager. So my best advice for both of you, as parents, is simply to unconditionally love and support your son as he develops into the person he was created to be.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our first child (a daughter) is just 6 months old, and my wife and I are already dreading the inevitable "birds and bees" discussions. Do you have any advice for how to handle this eventually?

Jim: Marriage and sex -- in that order -- are among the most beautiful gifts humanity has been given. Unfortunately, kids don't naturally understand that, thanks to rampant confusion in our society about sexuality and marriage. That's why it's up to Moms and Dads to teach them.

If you want your children to develop healthy attitudes toward sex, there are two things you need to do. No. 1, start talking. And No. 2, demonstrate for your kids how to honor marriage.

Let's start with talking. I'm referring to age-appropriate discussions about sex that begin in toddlerhood and continue through adolescence. Create moments of open dialogue where you can offer candid answers to your child's questions. Of course, honest conversations like this require parents secure enough in their sexuality to say, "I had those same feelings when I was your age. We all do. It's normal."

And when I speak of "honoring marriage," I mean much more than telling kids to save sex for marriage. I'm talking about preparing them for a great marriage, just as we prepare them for college or a career -- intentionally and proactively. How do you do that? By modeling a loving relationship yourself.

Kids can learn what healthy sexuality in the context of a thriving marriage looks like. But it all starts with parents who understand it themselves and model how to live together with love, loyalty and trust. We have a number of resources to help you with that at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Everyone in our house keeps a hectic schedule, and sometimes I find myself wondering: How do you create "family time" when you're simply trying to make ends meet and get through the demands of the day?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Today's marriages and families lack time -- quality and quantity -- for a number of reasons. An endless pursuit of material things requires increasing amounts of money. This translates into more hours at work. Busyness creates fatigue and deflects attention from pressing relational issues. Couples "grow apart" as their lives travel down separate but parallel tracks. Moms and Dads model a task-oriented mentality that communicates an unmistakable message to their kids: Take care of your duties and obligations first, then feel free to retreat into your own (electronic) stimulation, recreation or leisure-time activity (read: "isolation in your own room").

If you want to escape this numbing pattern, you may need to revamp your schedule. Go back to Square One. Revisit your basic values and priorities. Resolve to make some countercultural choices and decisions, if necessary. Take steps to reduce your outside commitments and block out weekly family time on the calendar.

In particular, don't worry about how it looks to other people if you limit yourselves to one or two selections from a long list of worthwhile activities. Resist the temptation to sign your kids up for numerous sports teams, music and dance lessons, social clubs and all kinds of community organizations. One activity per season per child may be more than enough.

Carve out spaces and create margins, and don't be afraid of "voids." Agree to turn off all communication devices at certain times of the day or on certain days of the week. Instead of watching TV, read together, play board games, take a walk to a local park or sit and talk. Get into your kids' space. Hang out with them and find out what excites them. This is all part of the process of turning quantity into quality time.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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