parenting

Teach Kids About Relationships by Modeling Healthy Marriage

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 17th, 2016

Q: Our first child (a daughter) is just 6 months old, and my wife and I are already dreading the inevitable "birds and bees" discussions. Do you have any advice for how to handle this eventually?

Jim: Marriage and sex -- in that order -- are among the most beautiful gifts humanity has been given. Unfortunately, kids don't naturally understand that, thanks to rampant confusion in our society about sexuality and marriage. That's why it's up to Moms and Dads to teach them.

If you want your children to develop healthy attitudes toward sex, there are two things you need to do. No. 1, start talking. And No. 2, demonstrate for your kids how to honor marriage.

Let's start with talking. I'm referring to age-appropriate discussions about sex that begin in toddlerhood and continue through adolescence. Create moments of open dialogue where you can offer candid answers to your child's questions. Of course, honest conversations like this require parents secure enough in their sexuality to say, "I had those same feelings when I was your age. We all do. It's normal."

And when I speak of "honoring marriage," I mean much more than telling kids to save sex for marriage. I'm talking about preparing them for a great marriage, just as we prepare them for college or a career -- intentionally and proactively. How do you do that? By modeling a loving relationship yourself.

Kids can learn what healthy sexuality in the context of a thriving marriage looks like. But it all starts with parents who understand it themselves and model how to live together with love, loyalty and trust. We have a number of resources to help you with that at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Everyone in our house keeps a hectic schedule, and sometimes I find myself wondering: How do you create "family time" when you're simply trying to make ends meet and get through the demands of the day?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Today's marriages and families lack time -- quality and quantity -- for a number of reasons. An endless pursuit of material things requires increasing amounts of money. This translates into more hours at work. Busyness creates fatigue and deflects attention from pressing relational issues. Couples "grow apart" as their lives travel down separate but parallel tracks. Moms and Dads model a task-oriented mentality that communicates an unmistakable message to their kids: Take care of your duties and obligations first, then feel free to retreat into your own (electronic) stimulation, recreation or leisure-time activity (read: "isolation in your own room").

If you want to escape this numbing pattern, you may need to revamp your schedule. Go back to Square One. Revisit your basic values and priorities. Resolve to make some countercultural choices and decisions, if necessary. Take steps to reduce your outside commitments and block out weekly family time on the calendar.

In particular, don't worry about how it looks to other people if you limit yourselves to one or two selections from a long list of worthwhile activities. Resist the temptation to sign your kids up for numerous sports teams, music and dance lessons, social clubs and all kinds of community organizations. One activity per season per child may be more than enough.

Carve out spaces and create margins, and don't be afraid of "voids." Agree to turn off all communication devices at certain times of the day or on certain days of the week. Instead of watching TV, read together, play board games, take a walk to a local park or sit and talk. Get into your kids' space. Hang out with them and find out what excites them. This is all part of the process of turning quantity into quality time.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

'Marriage Mentors' Model Ideal Relationships for Newlyweds

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 10th, 2016

Q: I recently got married -- and my new husband and I are feeling a little overwhelmed. Even in just a few short weeks, life together isn't quite measuring up to what we anticipated. Is this normal? We both really want to make this relationship work.

Jim: Being a newlywed can be scary. No matter how strong your relationship with your spouse, the lofty expectations you had before the wedding rarely match reality after you say, "I do."

My wife, Jean, and I had a rough time early in our marriage. I had come from a broken home with no male role models, and Jean was dealing with depression. If not for counseling, prayer and help from our friends, we might have withered on the vine.

That's why it's so important for young couples to have "marriage mentors" in their lives. Quite simply, these are older couples with years of experience under their belts. They can offer wise counsel to young couples who might be feeling uncertain and overwhelmed.

Some newlyweds come from stable families, and might see their own parents as potential marriage mentors. However, parents don't always have the objectivity to offer unbiased advice. According to relationship counselors Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, a marriage mentor is not a mother or a father or a close friend. Marriage mentors are not "on call" for every crisis, they don't have perfect marriages themselves, and they aren't know-it-alls. Rather, they're friendly acquaintances who can model a healthy relationship and offer insights when needed.

As a newly married couple, I hope you'll take the time to seek out marriage mentors. And a word to the "old pros" reading this -- it's worth seeking out a younger couple with whom you can share openly about the joys and challenges of a lifelong commitment. You just might learn something in the process.

Q: Do you think it's a good idea for our son to wait a year after graduating from high school before enrolling at the university? He's very responsible in a number of ways: He's in the National Honor Society and has very specific plans for his studies and the future -- but he says he wants to take some time off. We're concerned about him losing momentum. What should we do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Apparently you've done a great job of raising your son. He sounds like a thoughtful, intelligent, goal-oriented young man. Given what you've said about his level of maturity and keen sense of personal responsibility, I see no reason to be concerned about his desire to take a year off from school.

I'd even suggest that there are a number of constructive ways he can use the time. He can work in order to earn a portion of his college tuition. He can expand and build upon his formal education by traveling or getting involved with community service. He can think about life and ponder his goals and figure out what he wants to study in college. All of this can be an important part of growing up and becoming the person he was created to be. As for "losing momentum," chances are that he'll be even more motivated to dive into his studies after a yearlong break -- especially when he realizes that many career choices won't be open to him without a college degree.

Again, in light of what you've said about your son's track record to this point, I wouldn't be too concerned about his plans to take a year off. There are many successful people in the world who didn't go to college right out of high school. The most important thing at this point is to uphold your son with love, support and gentle guidance in whatever he decides to do.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

On Keeping Faith During Times of National Crisis

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 3rd, 2016

Q: It seems like every time we turn around, there's another report of a mass shooting. Do you have any thoughts on why this is happening and, more importantly, what to do about it?

Jim: Tragedies of this sort are usually the result of multiple concurring factors, of course. From moral depravity and racial or religious prejudice, to mental illness and family dysfunction, shooters -- sadly -- come in all shapes and sizes. Law enforcement officials and psychologists spend years and millions of dollars analyzing and attempting to identify the warning signs. That they fail to identify killers before they kill is not, ultimately, a sign of professional failure, but rather a symptom of a sin-filled world that fails to recognize the sacred value of human life.

For years now, we've been told that it's secularism, a freedom from that "old-time religion," that will truly liberate us. I believe the reality is quite the opposite. True freedom is not found in the absence of all restraints, but instead by living within the parameters of the natural law. For me, as a follower of Jesus Christ, this means embracing and adhering to the precepts of the Bible.

Certainly, the United States is a pluralistic nation. Our first freedom is the freedom of conscience and religion, a right protected and enshrined by the Constitution. Our Founding Fathers wanted no state religion and no spiritual litmus test, but they also didn't want government to be hostile toward people of faith.

I'm the president of one of the world's largest family-help organizations. We hear every single day from parents desperately seeking advice on how to raise their children and how to keep them safe in an increasingly unsafe and unpredictable world. Our response to the present-day darkness is to encourage young and old alike to transform the culture by shining the light of their faith in the world. In my view, the only answer is the one that points to Someone beyond this world.

Q: We've made a family resolution for this year to be more intentional about doing things together that will strengthen our relational bonds. But I'm realizing that's easier said than done; it's tough to find time for it with so much going on. Do you have any suggestions or advice?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Strong families are built on a foundation of love, which doesn't simply happen. Love takes work -- especially when the details of the day-to-day grind seem to crowd out everything else and leave you drained of energy and low on time.

When schedules are jammed with activities, it's easy to lose sight of life's little pleasures. But if you make the effort to notice those pleasures, dwell on them and bring them into focus, you'll find that you've already taken a huge step in the direction of cementing meaningful, lifelong relationships with your loved ones.

It's easy to forget that one of the most valuable investments a parent can make is the gift of time. Schedule one-on-one times with each of your children and consider these "dates" as important as any other commitment on your calendar. Take the kids along when you're running errands, making a point to talk about what they find interesting. If possible and appropriate, bring them to work with you occasionally to show them how you spend your days. And if resources allow, block out time to plan significant family vacations -- or "staycations" -- involving the whole household.

Finally, don't underestimate the power of the written word -- especially hard copies versus electronic communication. Even short hand-written notes and letters, particularly those marking special milestones, can (and often do) become treasured keepsakes.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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